Good afternoon Internet! I’m sitting here in my small, DIY studio (late rent) listening to depressing economic news on the Public Radio and I’m feeling a little inspired. In between reading funnies, obsessively checking my Facebook news feed and re-lighting cigarettes I’m also venturing into the deepest, darkest, muskiest tubes that comprise the internet. I’m talking about www.michellemalkin.com.
I’ll give you the dirty details below the fold.
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Pop quiz, sheeple! Who wrote this thoughtful and realistic critique of the California GOP?
George Will’s latest column on the sagging economy of California and the upcoming slate of massive tax-hike initiatives on the ballot only scratches the surface of what’s rotten in the formerly Golden State.
The state GOP is a basket case. The party establishment epitomizes everything that is wrong with the Republican Party nationally: Cronyism, arrogance, waste, and leadership out of touch with its base.
The surprising answer, after the jump!
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There are some great stories on Shelley Malkin’s website today, but I’m not writing about any of them. This is because I’m going to take the time today to concentrate on a man whose views, when placed next to Shelley’s, seem downright moderate.
This is the story of a man who cares about America; a patriot who will fight like hell to support his country; a true American who will save the Republican party and will lead them back to a majority in 2010.
Who is this man, this moderate, this savior of the Republican Party? Is it Bobby Jindall? No. Is it Jeb Bush? Not on your life. How about Michael Steele? Dream on. This new leader—the face of true “compassionate conservatism” in 2010 and beyond—is none other than Neal Horsley. Let’s explore the website of a true winning candidate whose views represent inalienable truths.
It’s Friday, FRIDAY FRIDAY! We’ve gotten through our first week of “Your Daily Malkin,” and this blog still has some readers left! Thanks, America, for your support.
Today we’re going to talk about bluffs. So let’s begin.
Racism, it’s an American tradition!
Today in Malkintown, U.S.A., we will discuss one of the wingnuts’ favorite retorts: “Just because I don’t like Obama,” they say, “doesn’t mean that I’m RAAACIST!” Their reasons, they insist, have more to do with their dislike of Obama’s economic policies, his stance on national security, or his handling of the financial crisis.
This would be all well and good if it wasn’t—and I’ll bet you didn’t see this coming!—a complete crock of shit.
Hmmmmm! Either your on again/off again girlfriend Shelley Malkin has been reading Wonkette lately or she’s spent a little too much time hanging out with the teabaggers! Either way, her focus has turned from liberal conspiracies to “low-hanging fruit,” as evidenced by the title of a “post” on her free porn site!
Senate confirms low-balling HHS Secretary
Fap, fap, fap, sheeple!
Oh, wait. Sorry. I just actually read the post, and it turns out that it’s not about the confirmation of a Health and Human Services Secretary who’s hung like a donkey. It’s about the confirmation of a Health and Human Services Secretary who KILLS BABIEZ.
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Hi ho! How’s everyone doing today? I thought I might have caught a bit of the swine flu, but it’s only allergies! I think! Oink, oink!
Speaking of pigs, let’s see what Shelley Malkin is up to today. What? What’s that you say, Shelley? Did you say, through the mouthpiece of one of your “staff writers,” that Barack Obama set up his New York photo shoot to freak out New Yorkers still living in the shadow of 9/11? You did? How great!
In a recent post on Shelley’s website, SelfLoathingIgnorantPrincess.com, some guy named Doug Powers wonders who exactly President Obama THINKS HE IS for organizing a photo shoot of a low-flying plane near the Statue of Liberty, even though Obama himself hadn’t actually organized the photo shoot and even though it had been cleared through the FAA and all other pertinent federal and local government offices and officials beforehand. None of that matters to Doug, of course, because WE ARE ALL NEW YORKERS 9/11 NEVER FORGET.
Like most of Shelley’s posts—whether they be written by Shelley or by one of her white slaves—this one is an ice-cream sundae made up of angry, sarcastic bitchiness and sprinkled with the jimmies of evil; a diatribe written on the papyrus of Sodom with the Crayola of…of…
Hi, everyone! Did you enjoy your weekend? Good! Because you won’t live to see another one!
As you may have read or seen on FOX News, a public health emergency was declared this weekend due to several swine flu outbreaks across the country. The symptoms of swine flu are very similar to the symptoms of “regular” flu, but obviously swinier. Although it is very difficult to catch swine flu, and very little is known about the ways in which the virus is spread from human to human, this still has the ability to become a significant health risk, especially for the elderly, small children, and those with weakened immune systems YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
Fortunately, though, America’s wingnuts have come up with a solution to this problem. No, silly—their solution isn’t to provide more money to the National Institute of Health or the Centers for Disease Control so that we can find out what causes swine flu and how to cure it. Don’t be ridiculous! (In fact, Republicans fought $900 million in pandemic preparedness in this year’s emergency stimulus bill!) It is also not to prosecute Michelle Malkin who, as you can see from the picture above, is obviously singlehandedly responsible for the current swine flu outbreak (with a little help from Bacon Salt). No, their solution is so simple—yet so effective—that it’s hard to believe that America’s public health officials haven’t thought of it already:
KILL ALL THE BROWN PEOPLE.
Yesterday was the first installment of “Your Daily Malkin,” wherein I, your fearless S&P contributor, scour Shelley Malkin’s Corner o’ Crazy so you don’t have to. Unfortunately, some douchebag commenter had a problem with the picture I posted in which Shelley “strikes a pose” in a dormitory hallway (Liberty University, perhaps?) wearing an R-rated bikini. So are you happier with today’s picture, assmonkey? It’s of a fucking cute-as-shit baby panda holding his paws up as if to say, “No, Shelley Malkin! Don’t murder me with your laser eyes!”
Anyway.
I visited Shelley’s site today to find out whether or not she was continuing to ask her followers to remain sane and not to resort to conspiracy theories regarding the death of (former) Freddie Mac CEO David Kellerman. “Look,” Shelley said yesterday, “I know that Bill Clinton had Vince Foster killed, but please! Let’s withhold our judgments until all available information is in hand!” I know that I, like you, breathed a sigh of relief: perhaps our girl has finally decided to cast aside the shackles of wingnuttery and join us here in Reality, 90210!
Not fucking likely.
Hello, Shorts and Pants readers! It’s pantspantspants (aka Ben), your least favorite commenter from Wonkette, the website that makes the Internet smarter. I don’t mean to “toot my own tooter” or anything, but I was a “star commenter” over there—well, at least I was back in the day when Wonkette was owned by Gawker and its editors ate foie gras and filet mignon three meals a day!
Unfortunately, due to the recession and our MUSLIN President, website editors worldwide are overdosing on Ramen noodles and dirty river water and are having trouble making ends meet. I include my editors in this generalization, of course, which is why I have volunteered to write for this website. (Actually, I forced myself upon it like a Republican Senator on a male page, but who needs the truth to get in the way?)
I can’t predict what gems of wisdom I will contribute to the diamond tiara of snarky political blogs. In the meantime, I’m proud to announce my newest idea to generate millions of (Zimbabwean) dollars’ worth of revenue for Shorts and Pants: Your Daily Malkin.
Yes, that’s right: every day, or whenever, I will scour Primo Wingnut Michelle “Shelly” Malkin’s website searching for words of wisdom and gathering those words into a pile of ping-pong balls of GENIUS. Below the fold, please see today’s installment.
