Posts tagged ‘wingnuts’

Loading Up On Gimmicks: The Only Way To Be Heard

By shortsshortsshorts, 26 January, 2010, 2 Comments

People will go to great lengths to be heard in these here United States. Tea Party people had their tea bags, Ron Paul had a blimp, and now there is an exciting new gimmick: “let’s just throw everything we can find at the gubermint.” These things include a gigantic pink pig “to symbolize a legislative pay raise” and ear phones “for the I-pods” “so they will listen.”

The coordinator of Taxpayers and Ratepayers United, Inc. brought his inflatable pink pig to the Central Dauphin School Board meeting Monday night to get the board’s attention about his concerns on the district outsourcing transportation.

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World’s Greatest Conspiracy Theory Video Of All Time

By shortsshortsshorts, 19 January, 2010, 2 Comments

You must know at this point that your Shorts & Pants just loves conspiracy videos, as they are always beyond the scope of the “normal person” imagination. Our quest to find the very best one has finally come to a head, and we would like to share with you the above information.

SUMMARY:
1. Draw as many lines on a map of the United States and desperately try to form an altered pentagon.
2. State that Miami is the next venue for a terrorist attack.
3. ??????
4. THE TRUTH IS REVEALED.

This thing ends with a bunch of bible verses that have nothing to do with anything at all. ENJOY.

The Answer is “No.”

By shortsshortsshorts, 15 January, 2010, No Comment

Oh Look — it’s Michele Bachmann, and she’s gravitated towards a new objective. She’s going to be President.

Sarah Palin is the most visible with a new book riding the top of the bestseller list and Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is gaining ground as one of the drivers of the “tea party movement.”

Many of you may wonder why we are so obsessed with the Christian Broadcasting Network, and the answer we provide is “duh, people. We must embrace it. They are always correct about everything.”

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Website Reviews

By shortsshortsshorts, 14 January, 2010, 4 Comments

We are very excited to introduce to you a thing that is both awe-inspiring and apt in these changing times. Yes, ladies and gentlemen — roll up your socks and get ready for the ride into “ResistNet,” a website devoted to one thing or other. LET’S EXPLORE.

ResistNet is a bit like Facebook for wingnuts. This brings us great joy. It contains all the elements of insanity sprinkled with a dash of ALL CAPS and a Social Networking interface. Joy of joys? Yes. Yes it is.

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World Net Daily Special: “GOD SAVE US ALL”

By shortsshortsshorts, 30 December, 2009, 3 Comments

Never mind the above banner-ad screen shot from the post. We have other matters to attend to.

Some people are taking The Fight (whatever the hell that is) TO THE EXTREME:

Janet Porter is being VERY SERIOUS with you. Let’s explore.

I wanted to e-mail my editor and tell him I’m taking the week off. My preference? Play in the snow with my niece and nephew and spend time by the fireplace with family. But too much is at stake to give up now – or even to take a much needed break.

The Senate rammed through socialized medicine, complete with forced abortion funding, and we have to stop it in the House.

So now it’s time for a PRAYERATHON. Especially since, if we enable health care reform, we are essentially “killing God.”

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WING NUT UPDATE!!!

By shortsshortsshorts, 29 December, 2009, 2 Comments

Oh the things your Shorts and Pants missed while away from the helm— the insanity burns through our eyes. For instance— did you know that Kwanzaa is the “Scientology version of Christmas?” Yes, according to Human Events— it is the bastard son of a convicted new-Marxist black-nationalist felon. This is, by the way, in no way connected to Jesus’ conviction for heresy.

What do both Kwanzaa and Scientology have in common? They are fraudulent products of post-modern culture given legitimacy by a press hell bent on diminishing the Judeo-Christian heritage in the United States.

BOOM — said.

But on a different note — we need to reiterate our previous statement on Erick Erickson being ALLEGEDLY into the males with the following:

C’mon Erick. Out with it.

Pregnant G.I.s To Be Imprisoned/Lashed

By shortsshortsshorts, 21 December, 2009, 1 Comment

Up until this year, pregnancy was considered to be a normal part of a woman’s life. Baby-making used to be encouraged, and the joys of parenthood felt by many middle to upper class Americans.

However, there is a RIFT. It appears that if you’re a GI serving under General Cucolo in Northern Iraq, you best not have any buns in the oven. If you do, you will be court marshaled and sent to a gulag.

Under General Cucolo’s order, troops also are prohibited from “sexual contact of any kind” with Iraqi nationals. And they cannot spend the night with a member of the opposite sex, unless married or expressly permitted to do so.

So keep those lady-bits away from those male-bits — if you know what’s good for you — army folk.

Bush Protestors= Unemployed Jerks/ Obama Protestors= Hard Working Americans, According To Jerk Off

By shortsshortsshorts, 17 December, 2009, No Comment

Steve King is an asshole. Yes, we all know this. Did you also know one of his favorite things to do is lie, all the time? Yes, people, Steve King just LOVES to lie. It is comical at this point.

For instance, Steve went on Wingnut Radio to say that a lot of non-working Americans had defacted during the Bush age, turning them into protesters as knuckle-dragging as cretinous, Alex Jones loving slobs. This is while Tea Baggers are “hard working, god fearing— and not to mention totally awesome, dudes.”

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MORNING NEWS FLASH

By shortsshortsshorts, 17 December, 2009, 1 Comment

This War on Christmas is GOING ROGUE:

“Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office
Joe Arpaio, Sheriff
News Brief

And the Beat Goes On…

Despite a series of lawsuits and grievances filed by inmates to stop it, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has ordered that Christmas music by played throughout his jail system through the holiday season.

The music is played in all jails, all day to the approximate 8000 people incarcerated.  Holiday music from all countries and faiths are included in the play list from Latin America to the Middle East, Arpaio says.

Inmates have filed six (6) lawsuits over the Sheriff’s policy to play Christmas music in the last two years. Grievances center on cruel and unusual punishment claims as well as forcing inmates to participate in religious celebrations. To date, four (4) of the six suits have been dismissed and the two (2) remaining are expected to be dismissed by the courts.”

So Merry Christmas, Maricopa County Jail inmates! Clearly, if you had accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior, you wouldn’t be incarcerated in the first place, right? YOU WILL LIKE YOUR CHRISTMAS SONGS. YOU WILL EMBRACE THEM.

Hot Air’s Mitch Berg Must Be Waterboarded Over and Over Again

By shortsshortsshorts, 4 December, 2009, 3 Comments

Your ShortsandPants is a pacifist website. We seek peace in all things. We wish to meet our quotas and be favored by the Politburo. If we satisfy the supreme leader, we are doing good works. While we toil in the fields, we know that we contribute to the needs of our brothers in arms. We do not complain when our bounty is thin, because we know the homeland will provide for us. We have no issue setting aside our capitalist desires, as they are merely empty and full of greed.

There is a disturbance to our values, however. A detractor is in our midst. His enlightenment may cause a stir in our happy, humble lives. We must send him to the gulag.

Mitch Berg is the type of person who finds value in calling people Dick “Turban” Durbin, because that makes TOTAL SENSE! HE’S FULL OF HUMOR YOU SEE.

One time, at band camp, Dick Durbin compared Gitmo interrogators as “Nazis,” which is probably accurate— but who cares. That’s not the point. Mitch Berg must be water-boarded for more reason than we can list, but his latest “column” takes the cake.

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Today is Screen Grab Day

By shortsshortsshorts, 2 December, 2009, No Comment

NICE HAIRCUT Yes— that is Jesse Ventura. He has decided to bring his “theories” to life, on TruTV, every week. His “show” appears this evening, and WE ARE ALL VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT. By the way, you can blame Dana for all of these screen grabs, as he was linking Your Editor to all kinds of horrible things last night that just had to be shared. Back to our irregularly scheduled programming.

However, compare the photo above with the Jesse Ventura, below.

We refer to this as a “vast improvement.” Let’s hope he still has the craziness, however. Otherwise this new show is really going to suck— like a lot. OKAY OKAY it is probably going to suck. Whatever— we warned you.

DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO

By shortsshortsshorts, 1 December, 2009, 3 Comments

Brendan M. sent us an awful turd of a thing last night that we would just LOVE for you to not watch. Luckily, Kevin K from Rumproast watched the horrible, mind-blowing wretch of a thing below. Take it away, World Net Daily!

Alright. A huge pile of moronic nonsense, really. We’re just going to use Rumproast’s description— because this is too much for us right now.

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Michele Bachmann Has Brief Moment of Sanity, Immediately Refutes It

By Dana, 24 November, 2009, No Comment

Listen people, Michelle Bachmann KNOWS the shit that comes out of her mouth sounds crazy, okay?  But it only seems crazy because the LIBERAL MEDIA unfairly shuns the views of insane people, and that is fascism.  The end.

Q: A lot has been made of some of your statements — the “gangster government” comment, the “anti-American” comment. Is there anything you’ve said that you regret?

A: Oh, gosh, absolutely. Of course, I wish I could be more artful in the way that I say things. But the other thing I’ve noticed that is kind of interesting is it seems like there’s also a double standard and bias in the mainstream media.

Polls today say that the American people more than ever think the mainstream media is biased in favor of the liberal position. And so conservatives, especially conservative women, are held to a completely different standard than liberals.

(Politico)

“Without A Long Term Food Solution Many Americans Could Starve.”

By shortsshortsshorts, 20 November, 2009, 5 Comments

Sarah Palin, Ron Paul, and Alex Jones’ demographic is quite worried for your future. We are certainly entering a period of famine, correct? That is why you need to be prepared. Luckily you need only to look to “Survival Seeds” for all of your end of days farming needs. All you need is an acre of land (who can afford that?) and the will to continue living when Jesus takes away the righteous, just as Left Behind warned us would inevitably happen.

Yes, there is hope for you. Just look at this very exciting list of bullet points!

* WorldNet Daily cites strong evidence that some government agencies are stockpiling huge amounts of canned food.
* Jim Randas, former U.S. Intelligence officer, appeared on ABC telling Americans to start stockpiling food.
* Grocery store prices are rising faster than any time in U.S. history.
* Worldwide grain stocks are dropping precipitously as bio-fuels consume inventories…and on and on and on.

THE GOVERNMENT IS STOCKING UP ON CANNED FOOOOOD!!!!11! GROCERY STORES ARE ‘SPLODING! GRAIN IS GONE…JUST GONE! OVER!

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It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like the War On Christmas

By shortsshortsshorts, 18 November, 2009, 8 Comments

It’s that time of the year, again! The time when the American Family Association, in conjunction with Fox News, makes all of their sweet cash dollars! It’s around Christmas time, after all, that the AFA gets most of their donations. The reason? THE LIBERALS HATE THE CHRISTMAS. Now, we’ve talked about this impending doom before — and have of course done the same for other pagan holidays that are somehow intertwined with Jude0-Christian beliefs, but we would still like to check in with our friends at the AFA just to see how the efforts on the ground are going for them. Our findings have concluded — they’re screwing the pooch.

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Fox Nation Comment Orgy

By Dana, 17 November, 2009, 4 Comments

We’ve known for a while now that Fox Nation is one of the foremost sources of crazy right-wing OUTRAGE on the internets.  So what happens when a two sentence story about some kid who wants the gays to get married appears on the Fox Nation?  What happens is the citizens of the Fox Nation go fucking apeshit and spew bile all over the place.  Let’s sift through some of that bile, shall we?

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The Club For Growth (Not the Erectile Disfunction Kind)

By shortsshortsshorts, 17 November, 2009, 9 Comments

The miraculous movement started in 1999 to destroy the Republican Party, somehow, has gained quite a bit of tread in the last year. This is an unexplainable anomaly, as The Club For Growth believes essentially the same thing as the GOP. The difference? THEY ARE THE NEW, IMPROVED GOP. Just look at what they did for Doug Hoffman! He was actually the “front-runner” of the right in New York’s 23rd Congressional District election, all because of The Club For Growth.

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Unification Church Deity Ceases to Protect Washington Times— Extra Security Becomes Necessity

By shortsshortsshorts, 10 November, 2009, 5 Comments

It appears that even though Sun Myung Moon continues to protect the rest of us in his quest to prove his holiness, his glorious bit of propaganda is experiencing some sort of security risk. You would think Moon would protect his flock, but even HE believes in free will.

To wit:

Employees at first couldn’t use the elevators for the three-story building. An additional guard has been spotted in the lobby, standing next to the regular security guard who is there during business hours. Sources aren’t sure whether the guard remaining on site today is armed.

OH, GREAT MOON. What say you? Brendan M., who tipped this little tidbit, adds the following:

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