Posts tagged ‘Things the Editor Likes’

The Rumor Post: ShortsandPants Best of 2009

By shortsshortsshorts, 30 December, 2009, 3 Comments

People, we have a lot of CRAZY things to share with you on this day. There are rumors afoot, and nobody is safe. When your ShortsandPants opted to be the Worlds Finest and Most Patriotic Gun Blog of 2009, we failed to consider that we also went for the nomination of Worlds Most Bodacious Gossip Blog. This puts us in a bit of a crux, you see. How do we delineate between the two? There is only one answer. We have to have a rumor post.

For this episode of rumors, we need to focus on only one individual —Perez Hilton. You see, he’s America’s Largest Douche. This is clear. Luckily, he’s not the only asshole we have known and loved in 2009. Your ShortsandPants will now dig through the vault to locate our favorite moments of our first year.

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Things That Are Awesome

By shortsshortsshorts, 12 December, 2009, 2 Comments

What you see in this video is a 1968 Volkswagen Karmann Ghia. The stark difference between this Karmann Ghia and others? This one runs on batteries. ShortsandPants contributor “Nato” has successfully completed an electric conversion. The car has a 50 mile range and reaches 80 miles an hour (however you will not be going 80 miles in an hour). Your Editor shot the above-video in a drunken rage last night. Here are THE GOODS:

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We Bought Another Website For You People

By shortsshortsshorts, 3 December, 2009, 5 Comments

OopsYour ShortsandPants is now the proud participant in a thing. This is not your “average” thing, as it involves an inside joke brought to us by a man named “Nato.”

You may remember Nato from a post about how we are all going to die due to particle accelerators, but we asure you he is solid. This experiment involves two elements. One of these elements involves sharing your worst nightmare on the Internet (i.e. This, This or This), and the other involves us taking it and making use of the damn thing. Your ShortsandPants is now the proud owner of the fantastic website, Cocksuckingasshole.com. This will create a lot of “that is not appropriate” speak, but we observe this importance over its non-appropriateness. Therefore, we present the brand new thing where everyone is an admin. All you have to do is type in a cocksucking asshole and CLIQUE ON THE BUTTONS.

The hope is to have a constant outrage of TeaBagger sites, Wingnut bullshit, and other semi-relating things that are ridiculous. The point is — anybody can change it at any time. The site will redirect to the cocksucker of your choice. That is what we call — freedumb.

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If Only the Sky Was Falling

By shortsshortsshorts, 2 December, 2009, No Comment

Right! So your Editor was provided this thing from “viyh” earlier today that suggests a Neighborhood Network Watch orchestrated by some strange offshoot of the DHS. While we LOVE the DHS, your Editor sent this link to about 10 people, and it was finally discovered through other resourceful means that it was a sort of satire. Why does satire hate humanity so much? We present to you this thing, for your review.
IZ A MAC As it turns out, this “shadow Neighborhood watch” is nothing more than a gang of New York artists trying to get their Grad degrees. While your ShortsandPants greatly despises higher education — or even any education for that matter — we must embrace this new thing called “satire” that all the kids are talking about these days.
Don’t worry readers, we are still the most patriotic website in the Nation. We just took a break to let these liberal bastards deceive us all. The laptop you see by going here is not a real snapshot from a God Fearing Neighbor, but rather a POWERBOOK from the same people who attempted to sway us all from the Lord’s truth by manipulating a populace into believing the Government was encouraging us all to spy on one another. Most God Fearing Neighbor’s use Windows, right? Still, it didn’t hit us until now.

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Happy Thanksgiving

By shortsshortsshorts, 26 November, 2009, 5 Comments

Your Editor is hidden in some compound in Eastern California, which is why we must impress the truth about Thanksgiving — it was all the Euro’s fault. Despite the lack of correlation between those “actual” Punic Wars and the modern thing we all refer to as “Thanksgiving,” we must all be thankful that no Americans died in this battle of ancient barbarity.

The point of all of this is that Your Editor will be out of commission as your ShortsandPants bequests to find the meaning of it all. Sacrifices will be made in the sake of this Great Holiday, and for that, we thank the…pilgrims?

EAT YOUR TURKEY. Did we mention guns and war?

Editorial Conversations

By shortsshortsshorts, 24 November, 2009, 2 Comments

The CIA was recently outed for building secret prisons in Lithuania— on HORSE FARMS, of all things. You can understand their thinking by reading the article, here.

Two of your Editors decided to exchange in a discourse on this very subject, which your ShortsandPants has posted, below.

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Angry Screeds

By shortsshortsshorts, 19 November, 2009, 1 Comment

From Wilson Edgar:

I’m sorry.

“I’m Sorry for fucking you in the ass, over and over and over and over again. I really am sorry”.

“This is basically what Goldman Sachs sack of shit valiant CEO wants you to know, because he thinks about you all the time and really feels bad about gambling and whoring with your money. Now, I know this doesn’t mean much to you godless sodomites but I expect nothing else from someone who’s doing God’s work right here, on earth.

You see, this is kind of hypocrisy that America needs and this is the sort of free market ideology that GOP so hardly fights for.

Of course there are some real dicks out there who want to destroy the fabric of democracy with their so called investigative journalism, communist bastards.”

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One Way to Get the Hell Out of Afghanistan

By God, 17 November, 2009, 4 Comments

Chascates— ShortsandPants’ worst enemy (HE HATES THIS WEBSITE SO VERY MUCH)— submits a solution that will make most Conservatives immediately diabetic. Seizures all round. It may involve “logic,” which is far too much for many of us to bear — but let’s give it a shot.

“Since we can’t kill all the Muslims and the generals in charge suggest working with them a free market approach might be in order. The average Afghan makes about $700 per year. The average G.I. costs us $1 million a year (support, overhead, paybacks to contractors, etc.)

Our intelligence estimates 100 al Qaeda left in Afghanistan/Pakistan. They’re pretty much bottled up in caves. There are about 25,000 Taliban, but many of these are merely opportunistic tribesmen (Hell, they are ALL tribes of one sort or another rather than peoples with a national identity) who would change sides if paid. Our ’surge’ in Iraq was helped mainly by the ‘Sunni Awakening’ which was brought about by paying former militants to lay down their arms.

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Health Care Protests

By shortsshortsshorts, 28 October, 2009, 5 Comments

1028090840 Your Editor went to a protest this morning! It was a great deal of crazy, especially because the topic was everybody’s favorite— HEALTH CARE.

Never mind the photo above. Your ShortsandPants took it on the way to “work” after said protest. There are pictures, and a VIDEO. Truly this was a spectacular morning (the fuckers started at 7:45 a.m.). Let’s get crackin’ on the action.

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The Hodge-Podge of Fuckery

By shortsshortsshorts, 16 October, 2009, 6 Comments

HERE IT IS! An account of the protests of October 15, 2009.

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There are moments in anybody’s life where you walk the line between the sane and insane — where putting yourself into a situation so full of bullshit might actually drag you into a less-then-noble cause that you didn’t even see coming. Imagine being surrounded by so many diametrically opposed view points that it’s hard to distinguish which side ANY of them were really on.

Many Tea Parties have been exactly that — “Tea Parties,” but as your Editor and his humble but genius friend experienced on that fateful evening of October 15, this is not always the case.

These people are fucking cannibals. They are nothing short of man-flesh-eating wombats sent from the Mayans to initiate the end of days. We dealt with more crazies than should ever be allotted to anybody for any period of time — and survived.

Any asshole with a mouth on their face had no problem telling you all about their cause. It is the most compelling argument against Freedom of Assembly that has ever been made.

This was a 5 tier protest. You had the Freepers (obviously) garbed with signs reading simply amazing things — but they were far from alone. Down the block, some even intermingled, were the anti-war people. They even had a band! (No I did not get a photo of that). All in all they were insane.

BUT WE CANNOT STOP THERE! Behind the anti-war protesters were the Global Warming folks. They were all wearing red tee-shirts and were honestly the laziest demonstrators your Editor has ever seen. They just stood around in a circle with their signs stating “STOP GLOBAL WARMING” strewn together against a concrete divide. It was sad.

Around the bend from the Global Warming people were the BEST 9/11 TRUTHERS EVER, covered with microphones and screaming things that sounded about as insanely powerful as The Battle Hymn of the Republic. Not only were they loud, they were armed with pamphlets and pandering like mad homeless dogs. Sound like fun? WELL HERE ARE THE PHOTOS (taken with a cell phone, of course.)

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Join the Lemon Party

By shortsshortsshorts, 16 September, 2009, 8 Comments

We will leave you to figure this out.

He didn’t rape and murder that girl in 1990, but he still hasn’t denied the allegations, either.

Going to the Values Voters Summit Next Weekend?

By shortsshortsshorts, 11 September, 2009, 1 Comment

Strapping young man? Ladies and gentleman— we have an announcement. This website will be paying the bill and going into the Values Voters Summit, starting September 18. I picked a ‘gal named Amanda out of the lot of you who so kindly offered services to cover the damn thing, because she sounded like a winner over the phone. (There were no writing samples asked for— and no actual application process. Your Editor just made some arbitrary decision that does not reflect on any of you.)

At any rate, we will be there, on the ground, live blogging the whole damn thing. If you haven’t seen it yet, read about it. It’s going to be a rare breed of insanity and chomping at the bit— so ShortsandPants should fit in just fine. Be sure to come around next weekend. EVERYONE on the “staff,” (all umm, 8,000 of us) will be writing up Amanda’s findings. AND GOD SPEED TO HER. This could get ugly.

Random Book Reviews

By shortsshortsshorts, 25 March, 2009, No Comment

THESE ANTENNAS TRANSMIT TO A SECRET BASE IN CUBAHello, Atheists and non-believers, you heathen scum. Hello also to the Christians WHO WISH TO UNDERSTAND THE UNBELIEVERS…

There is a book out that actually explains what “teh” Atheists believe in a way that is not Bill Meyer insane. It’s called Then Why Do I Have Toenails?: How to be the best Atheist you can be, and it’s on sale, at Amazon! Normally the editor doesn’t read “books,” as they are products of the liberal media and therefore evil, but this one is worth a HOLLA, or something. The writer, Thom Phelps, explores religion with research, not over-arching and annoying opinion. While it is bias, it isn’t ridiculous. Even better, it’s entertaining. So check out this link and read some of the reviews on communist “Amazon.com,” as it is worth a look, even TWO looks.

Then Why Do I Have Toenails?: How to be the best Atheist you can be.

Hobo recipes! Yummy and only half-rotten!

By KevoTron, 24 March, 2009, 6 Comments

I used to hang with these cats back in the day.Oh, hi there everybody! Your Hobo in Resident is getting a little groggy from job hunting. I just brewed a fresh pot of coffee and I’m on the mend! I’d like to share some wonderfully cheap and healthy meals I’ve discovered/invented in the last few weeks. Grab yer eatin’ spoon and yer sittin’ bucket and come on over cause I just threw some fresh garbage on the barrel fire!

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Raging Drunken President Jumps on the Water Wagon— but Only for Tonight

By shortsshortsshorts, 24 February, 2009, No Comment

Hmmmm…. the headline from the AP is not very encouraging:

“Obama aims for sober honesty, optimism in address”

Should be an interesting speech. It’s hard to believe that he made it this long without being noticed. GET HIM TO REHAB. I MEAN, this is getting a tad over the line.

Obama Aims for Sober Honesty, Optimism in Address (AP)