Posts tagged ‘Sweet cash dollars’

Senator Rambo Whitehouse

By , 22 December, 2009, 1 Comment

Today your ShortsandPants pays homage to a member of the United States Senate. This is not a common occurrence, but this place gives credit where credit is due.

Sheldon Whitehouse is a relatively UNKNOWN Senator from Rhode Island, which is a relatively UNKNOWN State next to Connecticut or something. WHO CARES, right? Anyway, within the borders of Rhode Island resides a vicious man-bear-pig, clawing out the eyes of his contemporaries. Let’s look at Sheldon’s background for a moment.

Sheldon worked for Judge Richard F. Neely in the Supreme Court of Appeals of West Virginia from 1982 to 1983. There are rumors that during his tenure he once threw a man 80 yards, nailing a grizzly bear in the neck. With the meat begotten by both man and beast, Sheldon fed a community of 80 beautiful women for 30 days. During this time he made constant, sweet love to said women— all while working on his incredible physique.

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We Endorse Glenn Beck’s Controversial Endorsement of Various Stupid Products

By , 8 December, 2009, No Comment

We are entering a wonderful time in media— or rather returning to a wonderful time.

Yes, there were days when news anchors could incorporate a product into a story. For instance, if say, there is a robbery and the victim successfully defends his/her self, the anchor could say “yes, folks— the crime was avoided with America’s Most Reliable pistol, the ______ (insert gun here).”

Glenn Beck is now the poster child for this sort of advertising, and we embrace it. Let’s talk about “Goldline.”

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Sarah Palin Will Not Have Any of This “Complaining” Nonsense

By , 16 November, 2009, 3 Comments

Sarah Palin’s quest to teach us the basic value of her character and moral virtue comes in various forms in her terrible book WHICH SHAN’T BE NAMED HERE. Basically, she lies. We do not believe she is aware of said lies, because she didn’t really write the book, but she may have wanted to read it before it went to copy.

Come jump on the Inconsistency Express, now leaving Wasilla Station! Media Matters sheds light on this awful mess.

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“Give to the Lord What the Lord Requires— and Give to Goldman as Goldman Requests”

By , 5 November, 2009, 2 Comments

Jesus said the headline, above. As stated by a certain Barclays Executive:

Barclays Plc Chief Executive Officer John Varley stood at the wooden lectern in St. Martin-in-the- Fields on London’s Trafalgar Square last night and told the packed pews of the church that “profit is not satanic.”

Verily I say unto thee — Jesus promoteth thy self-interest:

“The injunction of Jesus to love others as ourselves is an endorsement of self-interest,” Goldman’s Griffiths said Oct. 20, his voice echoing around the gold-mosaic walls of St. Paul’s Cathedral, whose 365-feet-high dome towers over the City, London’s financial district. “We have to tolerate the inequality as a way to achieving greater prosperity and opportunity for all.”

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The Best Tip We Have Ever Received

By , 27 October, 2009, 5 Comments

Are you Amish? Well then abandon all hope— all ye who enter here. Thank you to Wilson Edgar for a tip with enough crazy to float a container ship, and enough failure to sink it.

Hopefully this place will greatly improve your Tuesday.

ALASKA!

By , 22 October, 2009, 2 Comments

Alaska— a State founded on Democratic principles in late August of 2008, when Sarah Palin became Vice Presidential candidate and the place shot into significance. You see, nobody really cared about Alaska before last year, but now it appears to be a hotbed of politics and information that wasn’t possible to foresee. Scores of readers have flocked to Alaskan newspapers, and scores more hail the sweet underbelly of Palin thunder that rages through every American household. We love Alaska now— and all because of America’s Greatest Sweetheart.

Never mind that she may be a sociopath. This is GOOD FOR THE STATE. Before Palin, only Ted Stevens held any credit, or perhaps that moron from Into the Wild— but he is dead, so there.

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