Yes, friends— we have received a number of tips regarding everybody’s favorite Republican National Committee Chairman, and they do not look so good. Unfortunately (and we hate to say it), Michael Steele is in a bit of a quandary. When he asked for a private jet, the answer was “no.” How could the answer be no? MICHAEL STEELE NEEDS A JET. Instead, he was given the opportunity to attend “voyeur sexy nightclubs” in Los Angeles, where apparently “bondage” is a wonderful theme embraced by all. Well done, Michael.
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ShortsandPants
Gore-Tex Quality for Political Audacity
Posts tagged ‘Sweaters’
Michael Steele Demands Jet: RNC Cannot Provide Said Jet Because They Have Absolutely No Money: Michael Steele Asks For Bondage Night-Club Party In Response— RNC Agrees
John Ensign Once Again Wins The Infamous Shorts & Pants Quote Of The Day Award
John Ensign has won many things. From his infamous love of banging loyal staffers to his new-found hate of the press, we are proud to once again concede our most treasured possession to his graceful words. Yes, dear people, John Ensign has once again won the Shorts & Pants Quote of the Day Award.
Previously John had won with this statement:
Ensign has denied any wrongdoing during the nine-month affair with Cindy Hampton, which lasted from December 2007 to August 2008.
Yes. Somebody who has an affair can indeed deny any wrongdoing. Amazing. But that’s not the point. Ensign has come out in stride with the following:
“Whether it’s Republican or Democrat, it’s about nailing somebody,” Ensign said. “So sometimes people look at something, and whether or not it’s true, they want to try to nail them on it.”
Michele Bachmann Lists Her Various Accomplishments
Like many human beings, Michele Bachmann endeavors to do what is right and true for the sustenance of her own advancement. This is just and true for the nature of the American Dream, as she is a strong proponent of advancing the causes of good for her constituency. You see, our elected leaders are obviously there to protect the interests of those they serve, and Michele is no exception to this glorious rule of thumb.
On that same vernacular, the rule of thumb exists because of people like Michele Bachmann. Not to offend our female readers, but at least you know why it exists. This is why we are very proud to announce the following headline from the Minneapolis/St. Paul City Pages.
Michele Bachmann agrees she’s sponsored no significant legislation
Oh?
I am in the deep minority in Congress and a fairly new freshman, so I don’t have substantive bills that I have passed. I would love to. The very first bill I introduced was the Health Care Freedom of Choice Act.”
CPAC Proves To Be Object Of Alternate Universe: Ron Paul To Rule Alternate Universe With Iron Fist
Oh.. Ron Paul. Two parts to a name that when joined together create a feeling of bliss and hope, like a choir of angels ejaculated into a cerebral cortex. It is right to still respect the man enough to say; “Yah! Down with the IRS, and HABEAS CORPUS FOR ALL FOREVER AND ALSO FOREVER ALSO maybe.”
We contest why Ron Paul is a favorite when it comes to this little ‘ere website. An enigma brought by scores of people wrapped in their own grip of destitution continues to breathe down the throats of the innocent shouldn’t be brought into the open flame to rape the minds of the other followers of Xenu. We must ask— how did this repugnant trolley-fucker bring himself so far out of the musk and dominate a fairly sizable portion of our population?
That is the point of today’s wonderful post. A subject you have probably already read. Ron Paul. Revolution 2012.
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BREAKING: DAVID BECKHAM DOES NOT HAVE A GIGANTIC PENIS
Why are we posting this? Who knows. It came to our inbox thing and by golly, we have a right to it.
Italian journalist Elena Di Cioccio took the soccer star by surprise as she put on a pair of rubber gloves and grabbed his manhood – to see whether or not he lived up to his nickname “Goldenballs”, the name famously given to him by his wife, Victoria Beckham.
An “Italian Journalist.” That is what “Italian Journalists” do. They grab people’s testicles.
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Pay All Of Your Money To See A Flapping Mouth Bullshit You
Get ready for the opportunity of a LIFETIME. Yes, you are in for a treat! Sarah Palin is coming to town, and she’s bringing an arsenal of “grass roots” political support with her. By grass roots, of course, we mean “$349 Grass Roots.”
“$349 you say.” Yes, reader. “For what?” To watch her speak, of course!
This morning, I asked whether Sarah Palin’s decision to speak at the Tea Party National Convention — while eschewing the much higher-profile Conservative Political Action Conference — had anything to with money. Conservative blogger Dan Riehl is reporting, based on “forwarded communications,” that Palin is making at least $75,000 and at most $100,000 for her speech. Tickets for the speech alone are going for $349
This is all alright, you see, as the $349 isn’t going to the GUBERMINT, but rather to a woman who ruined McCain’s chances of being elected, had a ghost writer, and was Governor for 18 months. Yes, it is clear. A gift from heaven comes to man.
Luckily you don’t just get the chance to watch Sarah Palin annoy you with things that make no sense, you get DINNER out of the whole thing. Do you like Roasted Wolf? How about Fillet of Polar Bear?
To anybody who plans to attend this Convention, please continue throwing money away. Thank you.
Constitutional Warriors
Do you love the Constitution? You damn well should, as it is an incredible thing. Tea Party people also love the Constitution, which is why they are on a mission of VAST importance. Let’s do away with the separation of Church and State, as that is clearly how it is phrased in the Constitution. Rex Rammell, lightning Conservative and hopeful primary challenger in the incredible race for Governor of Idaho sends word. Never mind that he suggested somebody hunt and kill the President this summer, there are other factors at play that we shan’t deny.
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World Net Daily Pink Slips Stack As High As Anything You Have Ever Seen Or Heard Of
Yes, World Net Daily has really outdone themselves. You may remember when they announced an exciting campaign to “Pink Slip” Congress for being so audacious as to work bills through committees and frequently make public appearances, but that’s all over now. World Net Daily has done the impossible — they lied about things.
Right now they claim that they have sold no less then 8 MILLION pink slips at the price of something like $25.00. This is not true. If it was true, that means any given audience at Fox — all three million of them — shelled out almost $75.00 to stick it to the man on behalf of a wingnut website. Yes — they are lying.
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If Only the Sky Was Falling
Right! So your Editor was provided this thing from “viyh” earlier today that suggests a Neighborhood Network Watch orchestrated by some strange offshoot of the DHS. While we LOVE the DHS, your Editor sent this link to about 10 people, and it was finally discovered through other resourceful means that it was a sort of satire. Why does satire hate humanity so much? We present to you this thing, for your review.
As it turns out, this “shadow Neighborhood watch” is nothing more than a gang of New York artists trying to get their Grad degrees. While your ShortsandPants greatly despises higher education — or even any education for that matter — we must embrace this new thing called “satire” that all the kids are talking about these days.
Don’t worry readers, we are still the most patriotic website in the Nation. We just took a break to let these liberal bastards deceive us all. The laptop you see by going here is not a real snapshot from a God Fearing Neighbor, but rather a POWERBOOK from the same people who attempted to sway us all from the Lord’s truth by manipulating a populace into believing the Government was encouraging us all to spy on one another. Most God Fearing Neighbor’s use Windows, right? Still, it didn’t hit us until now.
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And Osama Got Away…
Donald Rumsfeld, a man we all remember with great admiration, did his very best to catch this “Osama” figure in 2001. That is what he did. NO QUESTIONS.
Apparently the liberals in the “Senate” have endeavored to refute this truth. They are releasing “reports” that Osama was allowed to escape because the United States in its infinite message of war decided not to bomb something for one reason or another — Tora Bora.
“Osama bin Laden’s demise would not have erased the worldwide threat from extremists,” it concludes. “But the failure to kill or capture him has allowed Bin Laden to exert a malign influence over events in the region.”
Oh whatever, Democratically-controlled Senate. Everyone knows that Osama is 800 feet tall and continues to be immune to nuclear attack — so we should probably just give up on capturing him and focus on the real issues, such as bombing the hell out of the country he wasn’t in.
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The Important Issues
There is something magical about British tabloid editorials, isn’t there? We are mystified.
Joe the Plumber Never Went Away and Isn’t Back— We Just Thought You Should Know
Do you remember America’s Other Hero, Joe the _____? He is still breathing! Not only is he still breathing, he is making noises. He is making many, many noises. His most recent noise wasn’t heard by very many “people,” but you can be assured that he did it with the American Spirit in mind. We will let Joe do the talking. You see, Joe has been hanging out in Utah stumping for Cherilyn Eagar, who is vehemently conservative and steadfast against such tarnishing to the Constitution as the Equal Rights Amendment of 1972 (?) and of course the ever prominent Gay Abortion agenda. Joe just HAD to throw his hat into this thing to help Eager, so he came up with a few words. While your ShortsandPants does not advocate giving this guy a second 15 minutes of fame, we will very happily give YOU about 3 seconds of it.
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This Here is Los Angeles
This evil Los Angeles. Run down low life strip malls spread on and on between ethnic enclaves.
Youthful spirit and ignorance.
Pools upon backyard pools, while the desert sun spreads more youth through the holy trinity- yoga, plastic surgery, and pills – for all ages, at the end of the holy pilgrimage, manifest destiny for the soul, for the heart of America, for spreading our ways, our loves, our ideals across the US one blockbuster at a time, spreading our wars, our guns, and our babes across the whole world, reflecting a nation’s mad desires, spitting into the abyss of self-ignorance, passing off responsibility to the notions of freedom, enchanting the playboys with ford models, addicts with the streets, the border, the sex, the allure, the depression,
the grind of beauty against the axe of different modes of distribution, mass marketing appeal of the few who make the trek, who drink the water, who survive in the bungalows of Hollywood, or those who flee to the protection of the valley, from the wealth of Beverly Hills, the Huntington railroads, the giant octopus wrapping its beak around the face of diversity, happiness, and originality drinking the blood of the innocent like Vlad Dracula, the destroyer and invader of central Europe,
come one come all to the firework display of the red sun setting in fire to the million dollar trailer parks of Malibu, from blinking red lights of brakes upon brakes, 10 million folk sharing nothing, fighting for nothing, building nothing but impermanence in a desert of dreams.
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Huffington Post Skirts the Truth About Southern Obesity
A study was done about fat bastards! It turns out they are numerous, and that 80% of them are in the South and Appalachian Mountains. What does that say about southerners, according to the Huffington Post? Let’s take a gander:
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Dykes, Tomaytos and Tomahtos
From Brendan M.: “It is mostly a bunch of closet-case, right-wing Evangelical Christianists (Republicans) talking about how much they “love” queers and want to kill and oppress them, out of said love, and just hardcore begging to be arrested for it. Their whole argument against hate-crimes legislation is that it will curtail free religious speech, so this whole rally actually disproves everything they’ve been saying. Assholes.
One of the highlights is this “cured” lesbian citing Luke 13:13: “And he laid his hands on her: and immediately she was made straight, and glorified God.” This is actually about a crippled lady being healed, but, you know, cripple, dyke, tomayto, tomahto.”
Sounds like a REAL BARN BURNER.
Lying Liars Who Love to Lie (Newt Gingrich, et al.)
It is commonplace in our Nation to appoint “Judges” to various Courts. In fact, for the last 225 years this process has gone relatively unabated. BUT THINGS CAN CHANGE!
For some reason the GOP loves to bitch and whine— that’s why your Editor got an e-mail from “Tom Phillips” about the appointment of David Hamilton. If you believe what the e-mail says, you will secede from the Union. Luckily, it is full of lies.
Here is the e-mail, UNEDITED, as it is both terribly formatted and just generally insane:
Fox Nation Comment Orgy
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