Posts tagged ‘Shithead Assholes’

Michele Bachmann Is So Not Full Of Rhetorical Bullshit, You Guys

By shortsshortsshorts, 22 January, 2010, 1 Comment

We do not know how Michele Bachmann continues her rein of terror across these United States, but yes, she does. After calling for a “Prosperity Bill” yesterday (a bill that would obviously instill prosperity), she is now jumping on the “Declaration of Healthcare Independence” train. This train will depart sometime next week, so we suggest you HOP ON before it’s too late.

The only issue we have is that there is no such god damn thing as a “Declaration of Healthcare Independence,” and anybody who shows up for her announced event must be lashed repeatedly. Take note, readers. YOU WILL BE LASHED.

Here is a terrible thing for you to listen to if you are into that masochism-type stuff:

The FEMA Death Camps can’t come soon enough.

Millions Of Angry Americans Take Over Wall Street: Crying and Gnashing of Teeth Becomes Normal Behavior

By shortsshortsshorts, 15 January, 2010, 2 Comments

Why are you people so angry with bankers? GET OVER IT. There is obviously something wrong with you. Obviously, as our previous post suggests, there is a natural law in how money is aggregated to citizens. Do you know about “trickle down economics?” Of course you do! That’s when the rich people get a bunch of sweet cash, and the rest of you folks just, well, sort of wait for it to come to you. Doesn’t that sound AWESOME? YES. IT MOST CERTAINLY DOES.

Reaganomics, people. That’s the idea. The more sacrifices you make for the sake of a wealthier person, the better. We get to be serfs. Sweet, right? Who doesn’t like serfing with their money? (Oh god dammit the spell check says we aren’t serfing. Wait that means subjected economic slavery? Oh Lordy this is not good.)

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Two Bad Tastes That Go Great Together

By shortsshortsshorts, 9 December, 2009, No Comment

Here is a HYBRID post, as it is two things that relate to gays, and how terrible people in the United States are about the gay community. FIRST— WATCH THIS MAN WHO IS CERTAINLY NOT GAY (*achem*). He has a “cure” for the “homosexuals.”

Do you feel violated? We hope so. That is the idea. Now the big news—

Rod Jetton, America’s Favorite violent fetish-monster, provides the Irony Bag of the Day. While he likes to choke the ladies (don’t forget to say “green balloon!”) he does not believe in what he termed in 2007, “Deviate Sexual Behavior.” Who are these “deviates?” Why, the gays, of course! BACK TO BED WITH ALL OF US.

Fox Continues War on Christmas and Everything That is Holy

By shortsshortsshorts, 23 October, 2009, No Comment

Obama, Pelosi Agree on One

Government-Run Option — Lunch

While the White House would not disclose the meal served or the topics discussed, the choice was surprising for a president whose star power sparked hope among Washington’s dining establishments that he would venture beyond downtown more than his recent predecessors.

What the hell kind of a headline is this? HEY-YO! It’s a pun/joke/something of some kind! Are you laughing? Supposedly, this article is news, NOT a column, so you would think, as anybody would think, that nothing would be taken out of context and placed on the red-eye plane to retardation— but lo, you are incorrect.

Fox continues its War on Everybody with what seems to be ever more Nixonian and ever more outrageous. Why do we feed these scum?

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By shortsshortsshorts, 15 October, 2009, 2 Comments

INSURANCE COMPANIES ON YOUR SIDE: “In an e-mail, one Guardian Life Insurance Co. executive called high-cost patients such as Mr. Pearl “dogs” that the company could ‘get rid of.’”

See! We don’t need to change anything!

Protecting Our Nation’s Youth

By shortsshortsshorts, 15 October, 2009, 4 Comments

Do you find the photo contained in this post to be TERRIFYING? You should, because there is yet another threat to the welfare of our Nation that must be recognized without any racial bias, at all. We must stop the whites and the blacks from marrying each other— otherwise 9/11 will happen to our children, forever.

What’s happening in Louisiana? PROTECTION OF THE INNOCENT is what is happening. Say nothing more.

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All In the Family

By shortsshortsshorts, 17 September, 2009, 6 Comments

oh jesus hell What usually happens when you put a group of carnivorous freaks in the same room results in a sort of “mini-Nationalism,” or as we like to call it— filthy fascism. There is no place for it in our country, and yet still we allow it. It’s a bit like the town hall mess that was forced upon us last month, but this time— it’s on the radio.

What happens when Michele Bachmann and Janet Porter go on the radio together? Well, as Right Wing Watch shows us all— it’s a nightmare.

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Hilarity

By shortsshortsshorts, 15 September, 2009, 3 Comments

“I’ll let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all’ time.”

I will teabag the conservatards in the name of LIBERTY!

By KevoTron, 9 April, 2009, 3 Comments

Oh, hi there! Maybe you’ve all heard about this new, sexy thing the cool kids are doing these days called “teafucking” or “bagsucking” or “biblehumping” or “something.” Anyways, there are big, exciting republican orgies scheduled to take place in public around the country next Wednesday.

I went to one of these recent displays of ignorance and chlamydia and HO BOY WUZ THAT FUN!!! I will be attending the upcoming Seattle festivities because of the off-chance I’ll get to hang my sack on some libertarians goatee. I will bring my camera and ask them questions. Do you have something you’d like the Hobo to ask? Leave it in the comments.

Sample question: not counting the day you were born, how many times have you been in contact with female genitalia?

“War on Terror” Finally Over— Will Now be “Overseas Contingency Operations”

By shortsshortsshorts, 25 March, 2009, 2 Comments

ALLLAAAAHHHH!H!!1!!!!1!For the last seven years, the United States has enjoyed having its civil liberties railed in the ass the “War on Terror,” which was a shapely mechanism used to describe how we would be at war, with everyone, forever.The phrase remained a highlight of the Bush administration, like “evil doer,” or “fool me once–shame on… you?”

Apparently the phrase has stepped outside its scope of use, however, and will now be retired. THIS MEANS THE WAR IS OVER. HOORAY!!!!!1!

There’s a new phrase in town, and it is both MIGHTY and POWERFUL (or at least logistically feasible). It’s “overseas contingency operations,” and it’s coming to a middle eastern country (not) near you, so don’t even worry about it!

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BLAGO on the Radio— Tries to Sell Two Hour Spot on WLS

By shortsshortsshorts, 25 March, 2009, No Comment

TAINT TAINT TAINTDid you miss Blago as much as the rest of us? No? Well that is because YOU SUPPORT AN INCOME TAX INCREASE AND WISH TO HURT SMALL BUSINESS.

That’s right. He’s back, but only for a little while, as Federal corruption charges are expected to come his way in a matter of 1 to 2 weeks, because his seat was HIJACKED, by his own party, clearly.

Blago made a wonderful and fulfilling two hour appearance on WLS, which is some radio station in Chicago. He spoke to the people about his hate of taxes, and probably sought to sell his radio appearance to the highest bidder. After all, you don’t just “give something like that away,” right?

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Financial Sector Proves that it is Evil— Threaten to Sue Federal Government

By shortsshortsshorts, 23 March, 2009, 2 Comments

moneyRemember two weeks ago when AIG was saying that the money going to executives was a “contractual obligation” and they had no choice but to pay it? Surely they were being honest. After all, AIG is just as concerned as anyone else about fiscal responsibility in these trying economic times.

Well, it turns out that was all bullshit.

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Fox News Informs Everyone of “EVIL-DOER” Opportunity, in Canada!

By shortsshortsshorts, 22 March, 2009, 2 Comments

Well here is something ludicrous and insane! It’s the show “Red Eye,” on Fox! And what do they have to share with us?

Canada is thinking about shutting down their military for re-organization! According to Fox, this is because they want to do “yoga” and “walk on the beach in their gorgeous white Capri pants.” You see, Fox News understands the truth about Canada, you can tell from the quote below:

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Twenty-three Companies Benefitting from TARP Have not Paid Taxes, Probably Because Ron Paul Said “Don’t”

By shortsshortsshorts, 19 March, 2009, 1 Comment

Thanks FED!There is nothing to justify it, and probably nothing to encumber an absence of criminal liability from the appearance, but it is true— many of the companies receiving bailout money look at their taxes with DISTRUST OF A CENTRALIZED GOVERNMENT THAT WILL SPEND IT ON, umm, them.

The scheme is simple- there is a Republican administration that thinks (wholeheartedly) that taxes cripple the ability for any company (ESPECIALLY FINANCE!!! YAY! ) to make money. Therefore, you cannot make them pay taxes, because that would be unconstitutional or something:

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I watch way too much daytime television.

By KevoTron, 18 March, 2009, No Comment

The cold face of television justiceOh hi there! KevoTron the hobo has been quite a busy guy lately. I had a fantastic weekend on the cheap thanks to some very generous friends. I’ve tried to occupy my time with job searching, helping a friend move other types of nonsense but I can’t avoid the goddamned television.

It’s terrible and vapid. I suffer from a strange form of mental illness. I cannot eat food alone without the television on. As a result I’m forced to watch daytime television for as much as an hour everyday. I have become an authority on TeeVee Judge shows in the last month. I’d like to talk about this for a while. Join me below the jump!

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“Diebold” Admits they Royally Screwed Up— Change Name to “Premier Election Solutions”

By shortsshortsshorts, 18 March, 2009, 3 Comments

OopsWell here’s a bit of GOLD that the liberal MAIN STREAM MEDIA refuses to expose— Diebold Fail.

Re-branding has become the popular thing in these times of economic TURMOIL or whatever, but when you control the outcome of National, State and Local elections, it’s probably a good idea to not get yourself in that position in the first place. Diebold, which is famous for making George Bush President, twice (allegedly), changed their name to Premier Election Solutions. Many may consider this to be a normal thing for a company to do, but not when you hear why:

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John McCain Conducts “Twitter” Interview— Destroys Journalism

By shortsshortsshorts, 17 March, 2009, No Comment

"I CAN'T RESIST THE URGE"Twitter is an exciting new “social mechanism” that everyone who said they were never, ever going to use it are, now, using it. Even ShortsandPants has entered the realm of “tweets,” but not before John “Walnuts” McCain managed to do right after the inauguration of our first Communist Muslim President. And now? He “tweets” LIKE A FIEND. HE IS EVERYWHERE. He is even coming up with new ways to conduct interviews in 140 characters or less, which is surely the beginning of the end for journalism. HOORAY! FINALLY!

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Bush v. Gore is Back— and Better than Ever

By shortsshortsshorts, 17 March, 2009, 2 Comments

The Nazi-Chipmunk FaceGood news! Bush v. Gore is legitimate case law! And it’s being used by Coleman! YAY!

Coleman is obviously very happy about this, especially after having to shut down his Internet donation thing because some MEANIE decided to screw with it.

Anyway, the never-ending legal cluster fuck between Norm Coleman and Al Franken continues to show that it really, truly will never end. While Harry Reid exudes a confidence  rarely scene in Reid about the situation by saying things like “He’s lost the election. What he should do is save the people of Minnesota a lot of money and allow them to have a representative here,” or in regards to Franken, “he won’t lose,” the silver bullet of Bush v. Gore trumps all, maybe:

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