We don’t know how Sarah Palin finds the time to read any and all newspapers and then turn around and know any and all of our Nation’s Founding Fathers, but it is true. If you see the video, above, please note that as we may talk about Sarah negatively sometimes, it is only because of our intellectual inferiority. Thank you.
ShortsandPants
Gore-Tex Quality for Political Audacity
Posts tagged ‘Republicans’
Michael Steele Admits Drinking Problem Is Getting Out Of Hand: Begins 12 Step Program
Frequent contributor “Butch” stumbled across something of vast importance this morning. We say “stumbled” because that is apparently what Michael Steele and Sean Hannity have been doing for far too long. Why does Michael Steele only admit this information now?
STEELE: That’s the first step to getting well. And it occurred to me that this really is a step-by-step process. It is taking some baby steps initially. But it really starts with taking your head out of your navel and paying ahead and looking to the…
HANNITY: Some people might use another term.
As you can see— Hannity is still in a bit of denial. Luckily, however, Michael Steele will admit his plight:
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Poor GOP Done On One Side— To Be Turned Over and Grilled Repeatedly
Great news for Republicans! NOBODY LIKES YOU. This is a sad day, for America. You see, in a recent Rasmussen poll it became evident that almost nobody in their right mind plans on voting for any GOP candidate, ever. While you may say this is an overstatement (which it is), let’s all look at the exciting report. As it turns out— Tea Party minions would actually beat GOP candidates if an election was held right now— which incidentally means within days the GOP will become a third party, and half of our glorious congressional chamber will be mouth-breathing cretins who don’t even understand the concept of the Public Option. Take it away, Rasmussen!
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Dozens of Americans Realize They Despise Any Other Race
This video is a real winner, ladies and gentlemen. You could take it as a message of “were not racist,” but let’s get to the brass tax here— it’s pretty hilarious that so many people can say “I guess I’m a racist.”
For example— if you are ever on public transit, try saying it out loud. “I GUESS I’M A RACIST.” Try “I AM RACIST.” That one should work wonders for you.
Stupid E-Mails From John McWalnuts
John McCain has figured out how to use an “e-mail” service. This should be the breaking news, but THERE IS MORE! His horrible amendment to the health care plan — the one where “Medicaid doesn’t get affected” is getting a vote today!
We are all well aware that Walnuts is doing all of this for money (sweet lobbyist buttsecks dollars, probably), so the amendment unlike many other lobbyist buttsecks amendments, will probably fail horribly. BUT IT DOES SEND A MESSAGE, right? HHHEENNNGHHH?? Anyway — the e-mail — right.
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Dykes, Tomaytos and Tomahtos
From Brendan M.: “It is mostly a bunch of closet-case, right-wing Evangelical Christianists (Republicans) talking about how much they “love” queers and want to kill and oppress them, out of said love, and just hardcore begging to be arrested for it. Their whole argument against hate-crimes legislation is that it will curtail free religious speech, so this whole rally actually disproves everything they’ve been saying. Assholes.
One of the highlights is this “cured” lesbian citing Luke 13:13: “And he laid his hands on her: and immediately she was made straight, and glorified God.” This is actually about a crippled lady being healed, but, you know, cripple, dyke, tomayto, tomahto.”
Sounds like a REAL BARN BURNER.
Questionable Journalism
There is nothing more refreshing then unsubstatiated claims from unreliable sources to start your day off right— and Anne Leary, the writer for “Backyard Conservative” understands this. It is, after all, a stunningly accurate news source that contains headlines such as Will Obama Deny Bill Ayers’ Accusation? and Palin is Tweaking You, Lefties. Clearly there is absolutely no reason for somebody like “Anne Leary” to fudge a conversation with Bill Ayers that she had in some lonely airport in D.C. where Bill Ayers allegedly claimed he wrote “Dreams From My Father,” a terrible book written by our Socialist President.
This woman’s lies are gathering tread, of course, as they are now ruining the minds of the many in such places as HotAir and Lucianne— two of the most reliable websites known to mankind.
Here is how the tip came to us, from David.
Taser of Wisdom: “GOP ENNUI” EDITION
(Well, it’s Wednesday, so – like clockwork – Sparky Satori must be grumpy about… something.)
Your humble scribe has repeatedly kicked the GOP in the shins over the past few months. Not just because it’s fun to finally kick ‘em when they’re down, but to check for any kind of reflexive knee-jerk reaction. And why not? Knee-jerk reactionary rhetoric was once their stock in trade, but lately seems to have lost all its potency and flavor. Now it’s a matter of checking for a pulse.
The nation might need health care desperately, but the GOP needs it even more. Not that long ago, the GOP was a disciplined party, crafting and cleaving to a central talking-point message with a ruthless, goose-stepping efficiency. Now, the cadaver that was once the GOP is being fed upon by opportunistic vultures, leaving many – yours truly included – to wonder WTF is going on inside the hive-mind that once fancied itself the only recourse for rational self-interested voters.
The current picture ain’t pretty, and grows more grotesque by the day. What would happen if they threw a war party and nobody came? What hope is there for the future of the nation if the last bastion protecting us from Commie-Nazi-Socialist-Islamofascist hordes withers into impotence incurable by even all of Bob Dole’s little blue pills? And with all this talk of a “public option,” what option will the public have as we slide further toward a one-party state?
What indeed?
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All In the Family
What usually happens when you put a group of carnivorous freaks in the same room results in a sort of “mini-Nationalism,” or as we like to call it— filthy fascism. There is no place for it in our country, and yet still we allow it. It’s a bit like the town hall mess that was forced upon us last month, but this time— it’s on the radio.
What happens when Michele Bachmann and Janet Porter go on the radio together? Well, as Right Wing Watch shows us all— it’s a nightmare.
Norm Coleman’s Retarded Face
It is very hard to be retarded, and as we have seen in the past, Norm Coleman is certainly that. But now he has a new kind of retarded— the face variety. DON’T MAKE JOKES.
Norm Coleman confirms he has Bell’s Palsy
TRAGEDY. Bell’s Palsy makes you unable to move a part of your body— in Norm’s case, the face. It is probably punishment for his 8 month battle with Al Franken.
Luckily his retarded face will only last a matter of weeks, as the Bell’s Palsy is only a temporary issue. We will still say, however, that Norm Coleman has a retarded face. And in some evil way, this brings us joy. GET WELL SOON, Norm.
The Real Austin Teabagging Party
The Real Austin Teabagger’s Party, held July 3, 2009, blew out of the water the silly, commercialized version held the next day at the state capitol building.
Michele Bachmann Asserts Her Views on Hate Crimes Legislation
OH HEY! We haven’t done this feature in a week. This is because Michele Bachmann has started making total sense. She is a seer, a doer, and a believer of TRUTHS, like how gays don’t deserve to be protected under the law, because they are pedophiles!
But who would be protected? A pedophile, someone who considers themselves gay, someone who considers themselves transgender, someone who considers
themselves a cross-dresser? That is who is protected.Read More →
Chuck Norris is Literate— Barely
Chuck Norris is one mad mother *shut ‘yo mouth*. It is getting more apparent by the hour that he plans a run for Texas governor, as evidenced by his latest MASTERPIECE on the “World Net Daily” website, which is wholly and utterly influenced by “ol’ Buckley” and Ronald Reagan, from space. But how will Chuck pander to his future constituents today? Who would have guessed— illegal immigration.
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And Here is America’s Best Comedian, George W. Bush, Making Another Funny!
“Bush joked that he’d need more such engagements to pay for the house his wife, Laura, bought without him seeing it. “I actually paid for a house last fall,” he told the crowd. ‘I think I’m the only American to have bought a house in the fall of 2008.’”
(LA Times)
John McCain Conducts “Twitter” Interview— Destroys Journalism
Twitter is an exciting new “social mechanism” that everyone who said they were never, ever going to use it are, now, using it. Even ShortsandPants has entered the realm of “tweets,” but not before John “Walnuts” McCain managed to do right after the inauguration of our first Communist Muslim President. And now? He “tweets” LIKE A FIEND. HE IS EVERYWHERE. He is even coming up with new ways to conduct interviews in 140 characters or less, which is surely the beginning of the end for journalism. HOORAY! FINALLY!
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Sarah Palin—Brightest Republican EVA
First it was Joe the Plumber, than it was John Boehner, than it was Bobby Jindal, than it was Rush Limbaugh, but the truth is, nobody actually leads the Republican party. There are no “bright, upcoming” candidates to speak of, and they are most certainly, without question, doomed.
To illustrate this point, Sarah Palin will be leading the GOP Senate-House dinner, as its keynote speaker!
Rep. Pete Sessions, R-Texas, called it “a pleasure to announce one of the brightest rising stars in the Republican Party” and said he’s awaiting “the inspirational address our Party needs, as it rebuilds and prepares for a victorious election cycle.”
This is all just a veil over the fact that Trig Palin will be President in 2032. Get excited.
American Heroes Deserve their Proper Treatment
This is just a short post inviting folks to join in on the commenting going on over here, as it is insane. The editor has enjoyed trolling over there for a while. Stop on by and sit down! We’ll start the coffee for you.
