Posts tagged ‘No Wonder The GOP Is Fucked!’

Michael Steele Admits Drinking Problem Is Getting Out Of Hand: Begins 12 Step Program

By , 5 January, 2010, 4 Comments

Frequent contributor “Butch” stumbled across something of vast importance this morning. We say “stumbled” because that is apparently what Michael Steele and Sean Hannity have been doing for far too long. Why does Michael Steele only admit this information now?

STEELE: That’s the first step to getting well. And it occurred to me that this really is a step-by-step process. It is taking some baby steps initially. But it really starts with taking your head out of your navel and paying ahead and looking to the…

HANNITY: Some people might use another term.

As you can see— Hannity is still in a bit of denial. Luckily, however, Michael Steele will admit his plight:

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Michele Bachman To America: ‘I Hate the Socialists— But Am One’

By , 22 December, 2009, 3 Comments

If you had a certain distaste for Michele Bachmann in the past— you must stop that. Michele is as true to her word as all of the Founding Fathers, combined. She is a scarlet of many wisdoms. Like, for example, her hate of Federal spending.

We at ShortsandPants feel no need to link you to the THOUSANDS of posts we have done on the topic of Bachmann’s hate of “Socialism” and “Federal Spending Dollars” and HORRIBLE subsidies that all the welfare queens of the world gobble up every year, for sport. No, sir, there is no need. Michele has been on an everlasting tirade, and nobody, so far, has been spared. This is why it gives your Editor GREAT JOY to share the news from the home-front and what not.

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Sen. Jim Inhofe To Speak His Cause: “Screw You — Copenhagen”

By , 21 December, 2009, 2 Comments

Jim Inhofe threw on his Superman cape and rushed to Copenhagen. His intention was clear: convince 191 countries that global warming is a hoax. THIS SHOULD TURN OUT WELL.

As you can imagine, the cause wasn’t met with a very “warm reception,” with one German reporter even saying “you’re ridiculous.” Why does the world not worship and praise Jim Inhofe?

“We in the United States owe it to the 191 countries to be well-informed and know what the intentions of the United States are. The United States is not going to pass a cap and trade,” he said. “It’s just not going to happen.”

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The Ladies’ Man

By , 16 December, 2009, 4 Comments

Brett Mecum likes fast cars and even faster ladies. He’s the Executive Director of Arizona’s State GOP, so you just KNOW that’s the truth. After being busted back in April for going 109 MPH in a 65 while driving a 2008 Ford Mustang (built to… last?) it has come out that Brett has been using a Republican voter database to stalk some nice college girls.

CLASSY!

The affidavit, filed last month with the local sheriff’s office, alleges that Mecum “is using Voter Vault to stalk.” Voter Vault is used by the Republican Party to micro-target the party’s message and to canvas specific demographics. The complainant was celebrating her acceptance into an East Coast graduate school on August 29 at her home when Mecum showed up uninvited.

You see— no means “Yes,” and “Yes” means “More.”

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TASER OF WISDOM: “GOP MATH = LESS IS MORE!” EDITION

By , 1 December, 2009, 2 Comments

But If Bopp Means Masturbate, and Masturbation Is Murder, Then My Very Name Advocates Murder, Meaning I Cannot Be A Member Of A Pro-Life Party....Hey, remember in 2000 and 2004 when the GOP Presidential candidate won fewer popular votes than his Democratic rivals, but through chicanery and Supreme Court chit-calling syphoned electoral college votes and became the President anyway?

Well, now the GOP has once again decided the best way to win political office in the future is to earn fewer votes. On the heels of the decisive victory in NY-23′s special election – in which GOP conservatives like Erick Redstate and Rush Limbaugh were thrilled to defeat a Republican who failed their personal litmus test, by electing a Democrat – some within the Republican braintrust are militating to roll that same program out nationally. In time for 2010 and beyond.

Here’s the skinny on the secret plot in which the GOP steals the Jonas Brothers’ purity ring shtick:

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GOP Website— Finally Operational— Only $1.4 Million to Build!

By , 27 October, 2009, 2 Comments

Websites are typically cheap to build and operate— even the most premium of web developers charges $150-$300/ hour to get a fancy site up and running. Take your ShortsandPants, for instance. It was designed by human hamsters for free, but at least we got the thing up and running— unlike the GOP. Their website was $1.4 MILLION, and the thing barely functioned from the very beginning. Here is your Editor’s favorite part of the broken site:

And when the GOP’s graphics-laden product was unveiled, many of the main sections appeared missing or broken, including one advertised as listing future party leaders, which showed up blank.

CONGRATULATIONS, future GOP leaders!

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“Scientists are on the verge of cloning humans, injecting them with diseases and studying them, then killing them.”

By , 6 October, 2009, 1 Comment

When did science start this deplorable practice?

The woman who said this was Cathie Adams — the enraged wing nut from Texas. She was speaking of the evils of a plan backed by Governor Perry and even President Bush that would give $30 million to fund cancer research. But, as Cathie shares with us, cancer research is inherently evil. What else say you, Cathie?

“While many question Barak Hussein Obama’s ‘religion’…, the more important question is whether he has a ‘relationship’ with Jesus Christ because that is the only HOPE that any of us have to obtain eternal life. I personally see NO evidence that Obama has that kind of ‘saving faith.’”

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Taser of Wisdom: “Mad Men” Edition

By , 23 September, 2009, 3 Comments

 Righteous Weeper Makes TIME                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Wow, another night of Emmy glory for a stylized retro TV series that feels like an endless movie, reveling in existential angst and meticulous attention to cultural and jet-set scenery details. Why, it is almost as though USAmerica has some taste, and the cojones to celebrate it.

The obvious disconnect – between the way things were and now are – is part of the show’s appeal. Smoking was omnipresent, drinking almost mandatory, material acquisitiveness the central drive – stoked by advertising – even while the characters who pursue that American Dream are revealed as empty and unfulfilled. The women are in bondage, and not just the girdles and corsets used to render them voluptuous. The men are all the same color, look alike, dress alike, and act alike, save for the one guy who sports a beard and doesn’t balk at hanging out with Negroes.

What is it about this show that draws so few viewers, yet sets the bar so high for achievement that it is annually judged the best TV drama? Is it a history lesson? A cautionary tale? A Biblical parable? A Shakespearean tragedy? A chance to review our collective past through a prism both overly rosy and foreboding?

And, most important: what does it tell us about Glenn Beck?

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