Posts tagged ‘Jesus’

New Not-Not Christian Movie To Convert Millions To Not-Not Christianity

By shortsshortsshorts, 13 January, 2010, 3 Comments

Do you have a Jesus complex? OF COURSE YOU DO. We are all a little Jesus-like, correct? Unfortunately, we are not nearly as versed in the ways of Magic Flying Jesus then Bruce Marchiano, who embodies the Christ in every way, ever.

Bruce has a “ministry.” In this ministry, Bruce plays Jesus and shows his films to various human beings around the world. It’s a bit like the Christian Broadcasting Network, only very few of the people at CBN actually play Jesus in every movie they have ever been in.

Anyway, he’s got a NEW MOVIE about the Gospel of John — and it’s a hoot. Let us explain WHY this post is here instead of rambling on about people with God complexes:

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Roll Tide

By AustinJunkie, 7 January, 2010, 3 Comments

Your Shorts & Pants just loves us some football. Especially college football.

Nothing makes our pants tighter than young men dressing up in uniforms and pads, tackling each other and then patting their teammates on the butt.

We’re positively salivating in our shorts in anticipation of tonight’s fake championship snoozefest featuring “student athletes” from Texas and Alabama on ABC at 8:30pm Eastern.

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Are We Not Rhinoceroses?

By AustinJunkie, 10 November, 2009, 7 Comments

Once upon a time, Newt Gingrich was “a politician who in his private life [was] a seriously religious man but who [did] not make religious belief an upfront part of his political platform.” Well, thank the fuckin’ Lord those days are over!

Newt's in porcine form

Neut has apparently decided that his chances of becoming the Republican nominee for president are as slim as the those of Neut’s wife not being cheated on, by Neut, unless he starts banging the drum for The Lard and wearing his faith in Jesus on his sleeve.

And not only is Neut now a card-carrying member of the Jesus Brigade, he’s on a crusade to convince the world that Jesus caused the Berlin Wall and communism to crumble.  He even bored the pants off his acolytes Monday night by fatuously mumbling a speech he called “The Victory of the Cross: How Spiritual Renewal Helped Topple the Berlin Wall.” Yawn, right?

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God On the Field

By shortsshortsshorts, 1 October, 2009, 2 Comments

The finely screwed up balance between church and state is something that continues to plague Small Town America. It is the hottest issue since coat-hanger abortions became legalized in 1994 and marijuana prescriptions began for 5 year-old children in 1998. Now there is a different beast ruining our society — religious signs and chants during a high school football game.

Now, your ShortsandPants has talked about this sort of thing before. It is almost an anomaly at this point — BUT when the bullshit is thrown, it is our job to catch it. Here comes the funcooker!

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Jim Cramer Succeeds in Failing— CEO of his Website Resigns

By shortsshortsshorts, 13 March, 2009, 1 Comment

The Last Known Asset of Jim CramerThings haven’t been going well for this “Jim Cramer” fellow. Apparently amid all of the bad news he’s received (which in no way is a backlash to his terrible investment advice) has put him in a bigger pickle, as theStreet.com, a website that has been running since the internets was invented by Al Gore, or whatever, is now trading at about the same price as a small coke at a movie theater, down from its previous price, which was hovering around movie-ticket status. This, in turn, is beginning to play out like the apocalypse will when Obama announces he is the anti-Christ in 2012:

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Current Economic Hardship Can be Blamed on One Thing— SIN

By shortsshortsshorts, 6 March, 2009, 2 Comments

REPENTHello, fellow Evangelicals! Great news from the front lines! Finally there is a comprehensive diagnosis and a substantive cure for the ailment of “utterly failed economics,” and it isn’t the bailout, stupid! It’s JESUS.

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