Posts tagged ‘Jerks’

Holy People Agree: “Let’s Just Have Lots Of Gay Sex”

By shortsshortsshorts, 5 March, 2010, 3 Comments

Ah yes, the Vatican. Home to the ages of good and just. No matter if they’ve conformed to many pagan rituals (i.e. Christmas, Halloween, etc.), they are on the just path to righteousness. Screw the casserole of sex scandals that has plagued the mighty church— we have to do to this right. It’s time for the Vatican to go ape-shit in the gayest way possible. Your Editor is a proud Catholic.

Just the other night there was a man sitting in a bar claiming that you can only take some things from the Church, and not others. This is wrong. You have to do the whole thing, apparently, and not shirk the responsibilities of certain effect. Amazingly, this is not the case for even the highest on the garb— which is a bit hilarious considering how high and mighty these fuckers claim to be.

So you have two elements— ushers really. Choir boys. And these guys are running around butt-fucking any and every element they can find. They’re worse then Ron Jeremy, if we can even call the man bad (all humans look at porn on the Internet, so we cannot blame Ron Jeremy).

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Loading Up On Gimmicks: The Only Way To Be Heard

By shortsshortsshorts, 26 January, 2010, 2 Comments

People will go to great lengths to be heard in these here United States. Tea Party people had their tea bags, Ron Paul had a blimp, and now there is an exciting new gimmick: “let’s just throw everything we can find at the gubermint.” These things include a gigantic pink pig “to symbolize a legislative pay raise” and ear phones “for the I-pods” “so they will listen.”

The coordinator of Taxpayers and Ratepayers United, Inc. brought his inflatable pink pig to the Central Dauphin School Board meeting Monday night to get the board’s attention about his concerns on the district outsourcing transportation.

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George Bush Has Had A Very Exciting First Year

By shortsshortsshorts, 21 January, 2010, 3 Comments

Your Shorts & Pants has been in existence since February 8, 2009. ALMOST ONE YEAR! There is a reason for this. LET’S GET PERSONAL.

The idea for this “blarg” came about in June of 2008. Your Editor was saying “HMM, IT WOULD BE KINDA COOL TO START A SITE WITH SOME FRIENDS” and various people were like “YAY DOOD,” and thus the process began. There was one little hang-up though— George W. Bush was still our President. There was really nothing interesting to write about as long as that sore remained in office, so we had to wait. That is why the start of this thing began with the Obama administration, as there would be more hilarious moments to write about, instead of all that depressing shit we had to think about for far too long.

Well, now that we can be depressed again, we thought it was time to break out the big guns. We really had no choice, as “chascates” filled the tips box with “Brig “Bollyhood” posts about how great President Bush was. This is why your Editor, for the first time, is going to talk about the courageous and wonderful thing we all refer to as “the Bush legacy.” Chascates is such a jerk for doing this.

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John McCain’s Petition Quest

By shortsshortsshorts, 20 January, 2010, No Comment

Hello, everyone. Are you soaking wet? You should be.

As many of you know, occasionally your Shorts & Pants receives e-mails from the Walnuts bus. (If you do not know what Walnuts means, please click here.)

Anyway, as most of the people who read this little site are well aware, Scott Brown is your new Massachusetts Overlord. This was inevitable, of course, as his adversary was a twit, but many in the libtard community still believed that there was hope for America (there isn’t).

As a result of this, John McCain thought it would be just a FANTASTIC idea to spam the hell out of everybody with his fancy new idea— he is going to petition the SHIT out of this Nation. Alright Walnuts — take it away!

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The Answer is “No.”

By shortsshortsshorts, 15 January, 2010, No Comment

Oh Look — it’s Michele Bachmann, and she’s gravitated towards a new objective. She’s going to be President.

Sarah Palin is the most visible with a new book riding the top of the bestseller list and Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is gaining ground as one of the drivers of the “tea party movement.”

Many of you may wonder why we are so obsessed with the Christian Broadcasting Network, and the answer we provide is “duh, people. We must embrace it. They are always correct about everything.”

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Pat Robertson’s Most Loyal Follower Has a Message For Haiti: “Screw You”

By shortsshortsshorts, 14 January, 2010, 2 Comments

There is a place out there where cretins go to rant. It is a place that makes your Shorts&Pants look like it ISN’T PATRIOTIC ENOUGH. That’s right. We thought we were Earth’s Most Patriotic Gun Blog, but we have finally found our competition. These people. Let’s begin with a little racism.

Oldest self-governed Negro republic is completely dependent on US handouts even without earthquakes.

SPOT ON. Not only is that horrible, it is terribly fucking misleading. BUT WHATEVER. GO ON, Conservative Patriot:

Flash forward to 1915. The “Jewel of the Caribbean” is now a desolate cesspool, that is exporting almost no sugar. The United States decides to “take up the white man’s burden” and send the US Marine Corps to rebuild Haiti’s infrastructure and feed it’s starving population.

So why is Haiti the “white man’s burden?” Maybe we should get a more accurate idea of what really happened:

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Militant Gays Vow To Kill Innocent Christians, According To Religious Bigots

By shortsshortsshorts, 13 January, 2010, 4 Comments

The Family Research Counsel is very concerned, people. Apparently, despite a Supreme Court ruling, Judge Walker is still allowing web-casting of that little “Prop 8″ Court battle you probably have heard nothing about, ever.

Apparently, if the testimony of Prop 8 backers is exposed, gays the world over will start shooting and beating up innocent Christians.

Despite Congress passing laws protecting gays from ACTUAL militants, somehow or other a brand of violent homosexuals will run all over town with pitch forks while INDOCTRINATING our children into their way of life.

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We Are All Transsexuals Now

By shortsshortsshorts, 12 January, 2010, 1 Comment

Recently we mentioned that Obama appointed Amanda Simpson, man-turned-woman, to senior technical adviser in the Commerce Department. Well, of course, the Family Research Counsel jumped all over this one and have now released a statement that concerns us all. Soon we will either be transsexual, or we will have to kill them all off.

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Pay All Of Your Money To See A Flapping Mouth Bullshit You

By shortsshortsshorts, 7 January, 2010, 2 Comments

Get ready for the opportunity of a LIFETIME. Yes, you are in for a treat! Sarah Palin is coming to town, and she’s bringing an arsenal of “grass roots” political support with her. By grass roots, of course, we mean “$349 Grass Roots.”

“$349 you say.” Yes, reader. “For what?” To watch her speak, of course!

This morning, I asked whether Sarah Palin’s decision to speak at the Tea Party National Convention — while eschewing the much higher-profile Conservative Political Action Conference — had anything to with money. Conservative blogger Dan Riehl is reporting, based on “forwarded communications,” that Palin is making at least $75,000 and at most $100,000 for her speech. Tickets for the speech alone are going for $349

This is all alright, you see, as the $349 isn’t going to the GUBERMINT, but rather to a woman who ruined McCain’s chances of being elected, had a ghost writer, and was Governor for 18 months. Yes, it is clear. A gift from heaven comes to man.

Luckily you don’t just get the chance to watch Sarah Palin annoy you with things that make no sense, you get DINNER out of the whole thing. Do you like Roasted Wolf? How about Fillet of Polar Bear?

To anybody who plans to attend this Convention, please continue throwing money away. Thank you.

Terrible Asshats Pen Terrible Thing About Terrible Terrorism

By shortsshortsshorts, 6 January, 2010, 3 Comments

Here you are just minding your own business about various matters when you all of a sudden STUMBLE UPON this horrible headline that is absolutely nonsensical in every way. Ready?

Consequence of Obama: Terrorism Is Back

Does it matter that Obama adopted most of Bush’s policies in regards to terrorism? NAH. You know why? Of course you know why. Obama is a Democrat, correct? Democrats just LOVE THE TERROR. They thrive off of it.

To test the credibility of the above-headline your Editor stumbled upon another NewsMax article that was not only DEAD-ON but additionally STUNNING.

The Coming War With Iran:
6 Days in Hell!


Why does NewsMax hate America so much? Why do they want us to be entrenched in no less then 10 wars? Finally, dear readers, why do they thrive on the news of a near terrorist attack? We can only hope Guantanamo has room for the entire NewsMax staff.

John McCain: “Screw It — Let’s Just Bomb Everyone”

By shortsshortsshorts, 5 January, 2010, 5 Comments

As the entire Nation understands it, John McCain makes a valid point that must be regarded as absolutely necessary and true:

“We cannot allow Yemen to be a base for al-Qaida to mount attacks on other countries in the region as well as the United States,” said McCain, the Republican presidential candidate in 2008.

We must bomb the hell out of Yeman. Not only that, we have to bomb other countries where there are suspected terrorists — like Europe, China, the United States, Cuba, much of Africa and most certainly Russia…

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Pat Robertson Warns America: “The End Of Financial Days Comes Near To Us”

By shortsshortsshorts, 5 January, 2010, 4 Comments

Pat Robertson is a terrorist. We know this much. Just three years ago he predicted that a massive terrorist attack would kill all humans, and now he’s taken that moronic anti-American prediction and BLOWN IT UP. This should be the best 2010, ever.

Pat Robertson says God has told him that the U.S. is under a cloud of divine wrath and is headed for financial ruin. The Christian broadcaster announced his 2010 predictions on Monday’s broadcast of The 700 Club.

It must be nice to have “God” talk to you about various matters. Why is Pat Robertson the only human being with this ability? Whatever, Pat. We are all listening.

Pat Robertson: Economist.

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Senator Jim Demint Enjoys Lying Unabashedly On Major News Outlets

By shortsshortsshorts, 5 January, 2010, No Comment

If you look at the photo to the left, you will see one of America’s Most Beloved Bullshitters. Yes — Jim Demint is a real catch, ladies and gentlemen. While we typically avoid covering anything that nears the caliber of noble that Demint represents, we thought today would be a wonderful chance to address this amazing beast of lies.

So the man goes on CNN and actually has the chutzpa to claim that Obama has NEVER EVER said the word terrorism, as it is probably our President’s prerogative that all United States citizens die a horrible, tragic, and therefore fulfilling death for our Muslim, Kenyan, Hawaiian-born, Chicagoan world leader.

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Lloyd Blankfein — Goldman Sachs CEO Wins “Person Of The Year” Award

By shortsshortsshorts, 29 December, 2009, 4 Comments

EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE FINANCIAL TIMES!

They hate you, America. Lloyd Blankfein has won “Person of the Year,” which means next year Charles Manson is sure to take the same. Wilson Edgar offers his analysis:

Now, steady…before you bitching about how this little fuck almost single-handedly destroyed America you must remember that:

a) Lloyd is only doing God’s work (a clear reference to the end of the world prophecy)
b) Who da fuck reads Financial Times?

Apparently as it were, Wilson is not the only person who shares this sentiment. As the Guardian explains, Zombies have taken over the Financial Times. This is unfortunate.

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Bush Protestors= Unemployed Jerks/ Obama Protestors= Hard Working Americans, According To Jerk Off

By shortsshortsshorts, 17 December, 2009, No Comment

Steve King is an asshole. Yes, we all know this. Did you also know one of his favorite things to do is lie, all the time? Yes, people, Steve King just LOVES to lie. It is comical at this point.

For instance, Steve went on Wingnut Radio to say that a lot of non-working Americans had defacted during the Bush age, turning them into protesters as knuckle-dragging as cretinous, Alex Jones loving slobs. This is while Tea Baggers are “hard working, god fearing— and not to mention totally awesome, dudes.”

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Irreconcilable Tragedies

By shortsshortsshorts, 16 December, 2009, 3 Comments

Never again will your Christmas be Merry. Never again will you make sweet love under the mistletoe. All of your hopes, dreams and ambitions will cease. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. This is the end of days.

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Joe Lieberman: ‘I am the Victim— So Screw You, America’

By shortsshortsshorts, 16 December, 2009, 4 Comments

Does anybody know what to do with this wart? Doctors have done their very best to alleviate it— but the wart remains. Your ShortsandPants thinks warts are simply disgusting and un-American.

In the above-video, the wart explains his supposed “schism” with the Democratic party, his “maverickiness” as being an “independent,” and the possibility of running as a Republican. While your Editor has spent many good days in Connecticut, this negates every one of those. For every hour Lieberman remains Senator, Connecticut shall receive 5 lashings. FIVE, we tell you. If our Muslim President doesn’t make this happen, it will only get worse. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, America.

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“Leftist Elites” From “Leftifornia” Continue “Leftisizing” “Leftuania”

By shortsshortsshorts, 30 November, 2009, 2 Comments

Nevermind the picture of John McCain saying “GRRR” to the left of these words— the point is that angry Republicans exist, and they have a million new ways of describing Liberals.

In a well-crafted bit of word play, failed Director John Nolte pens his finest screed for ShortsandPants’ secret lover, Big Hollywood.

John Nolte is a real intellectual here, people. He directed “BEAUTIFUL LOSER,” which is something Nolte is not. We would call him “UGLIEST WINNER,” but that wouldn’t befall him properly either.

You see, John broke out his Thesaurus and searched for “Liberal” the other day, and this makes us glad. He took his findings and presented them in the future-blockbuster-film-producing blog post— Leftist Elites Trash Sarah Palin For…Being Kind.

Here is the thing John is talking about:

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