CELEBRATE WITH US! It has only been since mid-February of this year and ALREADY your Editor, with the help of many “friends” and “Internet People” has come up with this— your ShortsandPants Thousandth Post Commemorative Issue. IT IS MORE SPECIAL THAN ANY OTHER POST! Do you know why? NUMBERS, of course! So we will celebrate this holy and fateful post with everybody’s favorite bummer— Afghanistan!
First— a brief history of Afghanistan.
Do you love gambling? Even better— do you like gambling to lose? Wall Street sure as hell does! Obviously we all know this, because the system, as it is set up, is doomed to fail.
This is old news, even to the laymen. Everybody, whether on the right or left, ran around all over the place holding signs high in the air and screaming loudly for no reason at all. At least we thought we had a reason though, as that is all that matters to our generally dim-witted way of life. No matter what we all believed to be true, the system didn’t change— and it deserves a little overview. Let’s explore, one and all! Make sure you break out the bourbon. This is a depressing picture.
HEY EVERYONE! It’s the commemorative 9/11 remembrance post! Wasn’t that a shitty day? Yes. It was. And it led to a few shitty years, right? Yes. It did. So today we will remember 9/11 in the same regard as the Health and Human Services Department of Obama’s administration— by reminding us all that Pig AIDS (swine flu) is just like 9/11!
Now you may ask, and rightfully so— what the hell are they talking about?
On March 3rd, Barry, the Sultan of Dollars, said, “buying stocks is a potentially good deal if you’ve got a long term perspective (i.e. Now may be a good time to buy stocks).”
Did you listen?
The markets sure have.
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FBI agents are currently searching the offices of the D.C. Office of the Chief Technology Officer, and have arrested Yusef Acar, an information systems security officer. Acar used to work under Vivek Kundra, D.C.’s former Chief Technology Officer who was appointed as Federal CTO for the Obama Administration.
It is unclear what the FBI is looking for and the only real source of information about it is some guy on Twitter, but it can be assumed that “Vivek Kundra” is the hacker pseudonym that Keanu Reeves uses, and that Obama has appointed him to unravel The Matrix. Stay Tuned.
You know what’s brilliant? Re-branding. For instance, you could call it a bailout package, which implies the ship is sinking. Or you can call it a rescue plan. Re-branding is an effective way of boosting public perception and morale – and the Feds could take a lesson or two from the private sector.
A recently re-branded corporation is Xe. Xe? (Pronounced Zeeeeee – how uplifting! ) Sounds like some sort of tech start up from China. Surely it cannot be associated with anything American at all really, much less the deaths of innocent Iraqi civilians and Bush era wartime corruption.
Anyhoo, here is Xe:
Remember how Obama was going to single-handedly turn America from some kind of Pseudo-Fascist Imperial Oligarchy into some kind of Really Cultured and Dignified Disney World immediately upon becoming President? Well, that isn’t happening, so my sincere apologies to anyone who bought a t-shirt.
What the new President has done is commit to closing Guantanamo, which is very nice of him. The problem is that, uhm, that is kind of all he has done in terms of changing American foreign policy. And now the Europeans are getting a bit pissy about the fact that Obama has not decided to stop the use of Extraordinary Rendition, which is to say, Kidnapping And Flying People Who May Have Done Nothing Wrong To Other Countries So That They Can Be Tortured.
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ALERT HOMELAND SECURITY TO THE NEW BLACK DOG IN THE WHITEHOUSE.
Yes that was horrible and racist.
Portugese’ Waterhound: Obama’s new Puppy (Huffington Post)
Thinking about retirement at some point? THINK AGAIN. YOU WILL NEVER RETIRE. While many human American types have believed that their “401K” or “IRA” thing would be enough to carry all to the happy reaches of “Pleasent Hill Retirement Community” or maybe the coveted “Crested View Convolescent Hospital,” hope and change need not apply:
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Hmmmm…. the headline from the AP is not very encouraging:
Should be an interesting speech. It’s hard to believe that he made it this long without being noticed. GET HIM TO REHAB. I MEAN, this is getting a tad over the line.
