Posts tagged ‘Hopeless Endeavors’

CPAC Proves To Be Object Of Alternate Universe: Ron Paul To Rule Alternate Universe With Iron Fist

By shortsshortsshorts, 21 February, 2010, 5 Comments

Oh.. Ron Paul. Two parts to a name that when joined together create a feeling of bliss and hope, like a choir of angels ejaculated into a cerebral cortex. It is right to still respect the man enough to say; “Yah! Down with the IRS, and HABEAS CORPUS FOR ALL FOREVER AND ALSO FOREVER ALSO maybe.”

We contest why Ron Paul is a favorite when it comes to this little ‘ere website. An enigma brought by scores of people wrapped in their own grip of destitution continues to breathe down the throats of the innocent shouldn’t be brought into the open flame to rape the minds of the other followers of Xenu. We must ask— how did this repugnant trolley-fucker bring himself so far out of the musk and dominate a fairly sizable portion of our population?

That is the point of today’s wonderful post. A subject you have probably already read. Ron Paul. Revolution 2012.

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And Osama Got Away…

By shortsshortsshorts, 30 November, 2009, 2 Comments

Donald Rumsfeld, a man we all remember with great admiration, did his very best to catch this “Osama” figure in 2001. That is what he did. NO QUESTIONS.

Apparently the liberals in the “Senate” have endeavored to refute this truth. They are releasing “reports” that Osama was allowed to escape because the United States in its infinite message of war decided not to bomb something for one reason or another — Tora Bora.

“Osama bin Laden’s demise would not have erased the worldwide threat from extremists,” it concludes. “But the failure to kill or capture him has allowed Bin Laden to exert a malign influence over events in the region.”

Oh whatever, Democratically-controlled Senate. Everyone knows that Osama is 800 feet tall and continues to be immune to nuclear attack — so we should probably just give up on capturing him and focus on the real issues, such as bombing the hell out of the country he wasn’t in.

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“Reformed” Pothead Pens Anti-Marijuana Article— Officials Believe Wife Demanded Intervention

By shortsshortsshorts, 30 November, 2009, 1 Comment

George Will! We love him. He is always the person with the answers. While George Will has spent a life of failure running around from useless syndicate to other useless syndicate, he’s picked up a few pointers along the way! Isn’t that exciting? He may still suck at this thing the rest of us refer to as “life,” but now he’s taking a different angle. This makes him better than You, Jeebus and the Amish combined.

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Joe the Plumber Never Went Away and Isn’t Back— We Just Thought You Should Know

By shortsshortsshorts, 21 November, 2009, 4 Comments

Do you remember America’s Other Hero, Joe the _____? He is still breathing! Not only is he still breathing, he is making noises. He is making many, many noises. His most recent noise wasn’t heard by very many “people,” but you can be assured that he did it with the American Spirit in mind. We will let Joe do the talking. You see, Joe has been hanging out in Utah stumping for Cherilyn Eagar, who is vehemently conservative and steadfast against such tarnishing to the Constitution as the Equal Rights Amendment of 1972 (?) and of course the ever prominent Gay Abortion agenda. Joe just HAD to throw his hat into this thing to help Eager, so he came up with a few words. While your ShortsandPants does not advocate giving this guy a second 15 minutes of fame, we will very happily give YOU about 3 seconds of it.

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“Without A Long Term Food Solution Many Americans Could Starve.”

By shortsshortsshorts, 20 November, 2009, 5 Comments

Sarah Palin, Ron Paul, and Alex Jones’ demographic is quite worried for your future. We are certainly entering a period of famine, correct? That is why you need to be prepared. Luckily you need only to look to “Survival Seeds” for all of your end of days farming needs. All you need is an acre of land (who can afford that?) and the will to continue living when Jesus takes away the righteous, just as Left Behind warned us would inevitably happen.

Yes, there is hope for you. Just look at this very exciting list of bullet points!

* WorldNet Daily cites strong evidence that some government agencies are stockpiling huge amounts of canned food.
* Jim Randas, former U.S. Intelligence officer, appeared on ABC telling Americans to start stockpiling food.
* Grocery store prices are rising faster than any time in U.S. history.
* Worldwide grain stocks are dropping precipitously as bio-fuels consume inventories…and on and on and on.

THE GOVERNMENT IS STOCKING UP ON CANNED FOOOOOD!!!!11! GROCERY STORES ARE ‘SPLODING! GRAIN IS GONE…JUST GONE! OVER!

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Hoffman: “Everyone Is Out to Get Me”

By shortsshortsshorts, 19 November, 2009, 1 Comment

Why are you following Douglas Hoffman? WHY DO YOU HATE HIM SO MUCH? You bastards are making him paranoid, and that’s just cruel. Hoffman did nothing to you, right? So why the animosity? Why the black helicopters? Why the strange clicks during phone calls and the white van down the street? You need to cut this out, America. Doug has enough on his mind. He doesn’t need you coming into his home and changing his clocks, poisoning his coffee with anthrax, or having members of the New World Order convene in his basement every 3 weeks. The FBI should certainly stop sending Lizard People over to Hoffman’s home to convince him that none of this is happening, and Xenu is damned to hell if he keeps sending pamphlets trying to explain these occurrences. What we’re trying to say is, Doug Hoffman is being screwed over by every entity, government or not, that has ever roamed the land.

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It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like the War On Christmas

By shortsshortsshorts, 18 November, 2009, 8 Comments

It’s that time of the year, again! The time when the American Family Association, in conjunction with Fox News, makes all of their sweet cash dollars! It’s around Christmas time, after all, that the AFA gets most of their donations. The reason? THE LIBERALS HATE THE CHRISTMAS. Now, we’ve talked about this impending doom before — and have of course done the same for other pagan holidays that are somehow intertwined with Jude0-Christian beliefs, but we would still like to check in with our friends at the AFA just to see how the efforts on the ground are going for them. Our findings have concluded — they’re screwing the pooch.

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Subscribe to Gavin Newsom’s Terrible Campaign!

By shortsshortsshorts, 14 October, 2009, 3 Comments

The man in the video above is running for Governor of California. We have to ask Mr. Newsom two questions.

1. Why the hell do you want to be Governor of this mess?
2. Are you aware that Jerry Brown is going to wipe the floor with you in the primary?

Granted— your Editor LIKES Newsom— kind of— but the idea of him running for a statewide office after coming from San Francisco is a bit like Bob Dole attending a High School Dance. Does. Not. Compute. Anyway— Gavin sends word.

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This is Our Thousandth Post

By shortsshortsshorts, 14 October, 2009, 3 Comments

CELEBRATE WITH US! It has only been since mid-February of this year and ALREADY your Editor, with the help of many “friends” and “Internet People” has come up with this— your ShortsandPants Thousandth Post Commemorative Issue. IT IS MORE SPECIAL THAN ANY OTHER POST! Do you know why? NUMBERS, of course! So we will celebrate this holy and fateful post with everybody’s favorite bummer— Afghanistan!

First— a brief history of Afghanistan.

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Taser of Wisdom: “GOP ENNUI” EDITION

By Sparky Satori, 7 October, 2009, 3 Comments

 Cartoon-GOP-Blowback                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 (Well, it’s Wednesday, so – like clockwork – Sparky Satori must be grumpy about… something.)

Your humble scribe has repeatedly kicked the GOP in the shins over the past few months. Not just because it’s fun to finally kick ‘em when they’re down, but to check for any kind of reflexive knee-jerk reaction. And why not? Knee-jerk reactionary rhetoric was once their stock in trade, but lately seems to have lost all its potency and flavor. Now it’s a matter of checking for a pulse.

The nation might need health care desperately, but the GOP needs it even more. Not that long ago, the GOP was a disciplined party, crafting and cleaving to a central talking-point message with a ruthless, goose-stepping efficiency. Now, the cadaver that was once the GOP is being fed upon by opportunistic vultures, leaving many – yours truly included – to wonder WTF is going on inside the hive-mind that once fancied itself the only recourse for rational self-interested voters.

The current picture ain’t pretty, and grows more grotesque by the day. What would happen if they threw a war party and nobody came? What hope is there for the future of the nation if the last bastion protecting us from Commie-Nazi-Socialist-Islamofascist hordes withers into impotence incurable by even all of Bob Dole’s little blue pills? And with all this talk of a “public option,” what option will the public have as we slide further toward a one-party state?

What indeed?

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Learn All About the Movement— Run For Your Lives

By shortsshortsshorts, 30 September, 2009, 5 Comments

The National Tea Party Coalition presents to you— INSANITY! Get your tin-foil hat out, because these “radicals” will stop at nothing to spread the word. Introducing the Conservative Radical University, a group founded by everybody’s favorite sore, Michael Patrick Leahy.

We should have seen this coming. One would think the ideas behind the ridiculous tea party platform would be fairly easy to grasp. For example:

1. Scream a lot.

2. Wave a sign in the air and shake your fist.

3. Make sure the sign says something like “GO BACK TO AFRICA,” and

4. Buy Michael Patrick Leahy’s book.

Easy enough, right?

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Bad Guesses

By shortsshortsshorts, 22 September, 2009, 3 Comments

Do you love gambling? Even better— do you like gambling to lose? Wall Street sure as hell does! Obviously we all know this, because the system, as it is set up, is doomed to fail.

This is old news, even to the laymen. Everybody, whether on the right or left, ran around all over the place holding signs high in the air and screaming loudly for no reason at all. At least we thought we had a reason though, as that is all that matters to our generally dim-witted way of life. No matter what we all believed to be true, the system didn’t change— and it deserves a little overview. Let’s explore, one and all! Make sure you break out the bourbon. This is a depressing picture.

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Never Forget

By shortsshortsshorts, 11 September, 2009, 6 Comments

HEY EVERYONE! It’s the commemorative 9/11 remembrance post! Wasn’t that a shitty day? Yes. It was. And it led to a few shitty years, right? Yes. It did. So today we will remember 9/11 in the same regard as the Health and Human Services Department of Obama’s administration— by reminding us all that Pig AIDS (swine flu) is just like 9/11!

Now you may ask, and rightfully so— what the hell are they talking about?

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The Real Austin Teabagging Party

By AustinJunkie, 5 July, 2009, 4 Comments

The Real Austin Teabagger’s Party, held July 3, 2009, blew out of the water the silly, commercialized version held the next day at the state capitol building.

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I will teabag the conservatards in the name of LIBERTY!

By KevoTron, 9 April, 2009, 3 Comments

Oh, hi there! Maybe you’ve all heard about this new, sexy thing the cool kids are doing these days called “teafucking” or “bagsucking” or “biblehumping” or “something.” Anyways, there are big, exciting republican orgies scheduled to take place in public around the country next Wednesday.

I went to one of these recent displays of ignorance and chlamydia and HO BOY WUZ THAT FUN!!! I will be attending the upcoming Seattle festivities because of the off-chance I’ll get to hang my sack on some libertarians goatee. I will bring my camera and ask them questions. Do you have something you’d like the Hobo to ask? Leave it in the comments.

Sample question: not counting the day you were born, how many times have you been in contact with female genitalia?

“War on Terror” Finally Over— Will Now be “Overseas Contingency Operations”

By shortsshortsshorts, 25 March, 2009, 2 Comments

ALLLAAAAHHHH!H!!1!!!!1!For the last seven years, the United States has enjoyed having its civil liberties railed in the ass the “War on Terror,” which was a shapely mechanism used to describe how we would be at war, with everyone, forever.The phrase remained a highlight of the Bush administration, like “evil doer,” or “fool me once–shame on… you?”

Apparently the phrase has stepped outside its scope of use, however, and will now be retired. THIS MEANS THE WAR IS OVER. HOORAY!!!!!1!

There’s a new phrase in town, and it is both MIGHTY and POWERFUL (or at least logistically feasible). It’s “overseas contingency operations,” and it’s coming to a middle eastern country (not) near you, so don’t even worry about it!

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Meghan McCain Invents New Political Party

By shortsshortsshorts, 24 March, 2009, 4 Comments

MoronIf someone can tell us what the hell a “Progressive Republican” is and make sense of it, you are truly an American hero. Thanks Meghan for all the LAFFS.

UPDATE: The Editor still hasn’t figured out how to screen-grab successfully, because of a SHADOW GOVERNMENT, most likely.

UPDATE TWO: /Fixed!

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