The Day of Rebellion is upon us. BE STEADFAST, brave wingnuts. You will soon have your moment. Tea Party Patriots, a movement controlled by the wonderful arm of “FreedomWorks,” is sending out a blast e-mail with the intention of scaring the hell out of Congress. The plan? SIT IN THEIR OFFICES. Genius, yes?
Here is the headline:
Tea Party Patriots to Storm Senate Offices
BOO YA. Carnage! We just love carnage, right? Let’s go over the game plan:
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But… but… KITTENS? Anything but KITTENS!
The Republican Study Committee has a very important message for you:
Every day, over 6 billion humans and an untold number of puppies, kittens, and other animals produce large quantities of this ubiquitous gas. Should they be required to stop breathing? And every day, trees, flowers, shrubs, and other flora use carbon dioxide to sustain their own existence. Liberals are supposedly more plant-friendly than the rest of us, so why would they try to limit a gas that is essential for plant life? If the rainforests could speak, would they be stunned by this betrayal?
Ruminate on this, readers. The rain forest will be destroyed by efforts to save the environment, and of course the puppies and kittens will be massacred— daily.
Remember when, even if you were not alive yet, that the Pledge of Allegiance was a required daily activity in the school room? Yes, it was our patriotic duty to raise our hands to our hearts and spew out the only words a child can remember at 7:45 in the morning. Well— if you are a conservative by the same logic, that makes you a Nazi!
“We had prayer in school before we started class, and after class,” said Werthmann. “One day I came into the classroom and the crucifix was gone, and there was Hitler’s picture, and the Nazi flag on either side. And our teacher said, ‘Today we don’t pray anymore. We sing ‘Deutschland, Deutschland Uber Alles.’”
Truer words have never been… wait what?
We here at ShortsandPants like great news as much as the next ass-clown. So today, GREAT NEWS! China is going to destroy the United States of America! With money!
This has been a long-time coming for people who gave a shit and actually read beyond what their precious stock was doing for the next hour, but nobody knew that China, our potential overlord, would actually begin the process. It is a very exciting time for everyone:
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Remember two weeks ago when AIG was saying that the money going to executives was a “contractual obligation” and they had no choice but to pay it? Surely they were being honest. After all, AIG is just as concerned as anyone else about fiscal responsibility in these trying economic times.
Well, it turns out that was all bullshit.
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Sometimes the irony is just too much. Literally, overwhelming. Just when public relations over at AIG could not have gotten any more SWIMMINGLY, the New York Times goes and publishes an article that makes AIG look worse than John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dommer, Dick Cheney and any number of Catholic popes, COMBINED:
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“Bush joked that he’d need more such engagements to pay for the house his wife, Laura, bought without him seeing it. “I actually paid for a house last fall,” he told the crowd. ‘I think I’m the only American to have bought a house in the fall of 2008.’”
(LA Times)
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES HE IS STILL BREATHING.
Dick Cheney decided that Sunday would be a good day to come outside. After all, too much water boarding in the basement can get a bit unhealthy.
Where would his travels bring him, however? Would he go to the White House to check out his death laser? Would he beat up a child and take candy from said child? Naw, he prefers rambling on John King about MILITARY DICTATOR and Socialist-Fascist Muslim, Barack HUSSAIN Obama:
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Exciting news for all of you ammunition-hording American Patriots! In less than one hour two of our Nation’s finest brains–Glen Beck and Chuck Norris–will unload some seriously Spicy Meat all over the television-tubes. They’re calling it We Surround Them, and all that is known about it so far is that it calls for coast to coast destruction and will somehow make Chuck Norris the Supreme Grand Wizard President of Texas. So make sure to tune in, at 5PM Eastern, for what will surely be the most violent hour of televised hate-speech since yesterday’s Glen Beck show.
We Surround Them FRIDAY! (Beck Talks)
This is just a short post inviting folks to join in on the commenting going on over here, as it is insane. The editor has enjoyed trolling over there for a while. Stop on by and sit down! We’ll start the coffee for you.
Do you like the environment? Are you the type of person who, for one reason or another, doesn’t want it to be fucked with? Yes? Good for you! Also, go to hell, because SWEET CRUDE and GUNS kick ASS:
…and there were no survivors.
Sup yo. How are your conservative homies, gangsta?
Have you had to pull out your nine this week to cap some punk-bitch? Yes? WELL THAN YOU ARE A REPUBLICAN:
Alas! A new meme has crawled from the dusty man-orifice that is CPAC, but it didn’t come from a man! It came from Michelle Bachmann:
