Posts tagged ‘Freaks’

CPAC Proves To Be Object Of Alternate Universe: Ron Paul To Rule Alternate Universe With Iron Fist

By shortsshortsshorts, 21 February, 2010, 5 Comments

Oh.. Ron Paul. Two parts to a name that when joined together create a feeling of bliss and hope, like a choir of angels ejaculated into a cerebral cortex. It is right to still respect the man enough to say; “Yah! Down with the IRS, and HABEAS CORPUS FOR ALL FOREVER AND ALSO FOREVER ALSO maybe.”

We contest why Ron Paul is a favorite when it comes to this little ‘ere website. An enigma brought by scores of people wrapped in their own grip of destitution continues to breathe down the throats of the innocent shouldn’t be brought into the open flame to rape the minds of the other followers of Xenu. We must ask— how did this repugnant trolley-fucker bring himself so far out of the musk and dominate a fairly sizable portion of our population?

That is the point of today’s wonderful post. A subject you have probably already read. Ron Paul. Revolution 2012.

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Finally An Opposition To “Priests For Death”

By shortsshortsshorts, 15 January, 2010, 3 Comments

We have been waiting for this movement to get started many, many years. These damn “pro-death” priests have gone too far, so it only makes sense that an organization called “priests for life” step in and fight the battle we lack the courage to fight. When will these priests stop killing and mutilating the innocent? Discuss.

Pay All Of Your Money To See A Flapping Mouth Bullshit You

By shortsshortsshorts, 7 January, 2010, 2 Comments

Get ready for the opportunity of a LIFETIME. Yes, you are in for a treat! Sarah Palin is coming to town, and she’s bringing an arsenal of “grass roots” political support with her. By grass roots, of course, we mean “$349 Grass Roots.”

“$349 you say.” Yes, reader. “For what?” To watch her speak, of course!

This morning, I asked whether Sarah Palin’s decision to speak at the Tea Party National Convention — while eschewing the much higher-profile Conservative Political Action Conference — had anything to with money. Conservative blogger Dan Riehl is reporting, based on “forwarded communications,” that Palin is making at least $75,000 and at most $100,000 for her speech. Tickets for the speech alone are going for $349

This is all alright, you see, as the $349 isn’t going to the GUBERMINT, but rather to a woman who ruined McCain’s chances of being elected, had a ghost writer, and was Governor for 18 months. Yes, it is clear. A gift from heaven comes to man.

Luckily you don’t just get the chance to watch Sarah Palin annoy you with things that make no sense, you get DINNER out of the whole thing. Do you like Roasted Wolf? How about Fillet of Polar Bear?

To anybody who plans to attend this Convention, please continue throwing money away. Thank you.

World Net Daily Has Officially Gone Over the Edge

By shortsshortsshorts, 6 January, 2010, 3 Comments

We’ve been covering Janet Porter recently for some reason or another, but this is just insane. World Net Daily, a website which, while insane, did at least RESEMBLE news for a period of time, has now lost it. Sure, you can read the sermon that was tipped to us, but let’s get to the brass tax here.

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Constitutional Warriors

By shortsshortsshorts, 5 January, 2010, 1 Comment

Do you love the Constitution? You damn well should, as it is an incredible thing. Tea Party people also love the Constitution, which is why they are on a mission of VAST importance. Let’s do away with the separation of Church and State, as that is clearly how it is phrased in the Constitution. Rex Rammell, lightning Conservative and hopeful primary challenger in the incredible race for Governor of Idaho sends word. Never mind that he suggested somebody hunt and kill the President this summer, there are other factors at play that we shan’t deny.

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The Gay Litmus Test

By shortsshortsshorts, 30 December, 2009, 3 Comments

What to do in our modern society? How do we react to these changing times? There are “gay people,” and they are Republican? How did this come about? Apparently there are a few people in the world with very little self perception. This is common. We cannot blame them for it, but we can still ridicule them — and that is the subject, good readers! Just how do you know — IF YOUR CONGRESSMAN IS GAY?

Yes, this should take some serious thought, which is why Americans For Truth will guide us through this maze of confused “sleuthing” called “outing.” It is not only imperative for America, it is binding on our future. Never Forget. Peter LaBarbera explains:

My position and that of Americans For Truth has been clear: voters have a right to know if a politician or candidate is practicing homosexuality (or any other sexual sin) or is deeply sympathetic to same.

You are either gay, or WORKING FOR THEM. Hold on, people —it gets better.

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What Will YOU Get the President For Christmas?

By shortsshortsshorts, 22 December, 2009, 1 Comment

World Net Daily asks the tough questions, everyone. Not all the options are below, but you may wish to CONSIDER what is provided. Should we deport Obama or Tea Bag his face?

Your Editor is working on getting our President “a different country to destroy,” as Bush did a fairly bang-up job on this particular one.

HAPPY TUESDAY.

‘Even though Christmas is less than a week away, we are literally in a battle for our lives and our freedom,’ States Faith2Action President Janet Porter

By shortsshortsshorts, 18 December, 2009, 2 Comments

Faith2Action is currently wetting their pants over health care. The issues of Climate Change and Health Care Reform have caused them to call for a “fast.” The idea of this “fast” would be that Jesus would listen and start influencing world leaders to tell Satan to GET BEHIND THEM. This borders on “insane,” but we will toe the line and call it “INCREDIBLY PATRIOTIC AND SMART.”

“All I want for Christmas is my life and my freedom. But it’s going to take prayer, fasting, and action to achieve that.” Porter emphasized. “Even when you’re standing in line at the mall, use that time to pray, and put the Capitol Switchboard number on speed dial: 202-224-3121.”

Liberals must counter this by praying to Satan and calling the same number to explain to Congress that, even though a minority of psychos are derailing Health Care Reform, they are exactly that — a “minority of psychos.”

Arguably Despotic Leaders Chime In On Climate Change — Various Quotes of the Day Ensue

By shortsshortsshorts, 18 December, 2009, No Comment

(DISCLAIMER: THERE IS A LINK TO JONAH GOLDBERG IN THIS POST. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)

Robert Mugabe! He is one crazy mother-shut ‘yo mouth, correct? Mugabe likes to take the center stage whenever possible. Along with Hugo Chavez, Ms. Kim Johg Il, and Mahmoud Achma*(@&#@#$, you are assured years of hilarity to come.

Take Copenhagen for example. It’s all about climate change this week, and world leaders are getting together to have their voices heard. Share with us, Mr. Mugabe, what the effects of climate change are in your eyes:

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Experienced Adulterer Passes Down Wisdom to Tiger Woods

By shortsshortsshorts, 16 December, 2009, 5 Comments

Your ShortsandPants has avoided the gauntlet of bullshit brought down by the ranks of fapping, media-frenzied whores whose ambitions range from $$$ to $$$$$$$$$ surrounding all this Tiger Woods NAUGHTINESS that has suddenly taken him from bright angel to disheveled, manifest demon.

We have no interest in exploiting the non-politico types, because that isn’t our game, right? Our game is to trash Republicans for tragically endeavoring to harp on the first piece of boy-flesh they can get their hands on, among others — but we thought now is the time to bring this to you.

We have been avoiding the 11 GAZILLION tips about various aspects of Tiger Woods’ extra-marital affairs with the resilience of Michael J. Fox’s limbs to his failed commands, but it is time, readers. Rudy Guiliani — better known as “9/11 9/11 9/11″ has thrown his wee-little hat into the ring regarding Tiger Woods’ recent “troubles,” which is about the equivalent of reformed Sex Addicts Anonymous members promoting the use of provocativeness in condom commercials — literally tons of naked women swamping the Tee Vee screen. WHATEVER. It is happening, right now.

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Moonie Times Poll: ‘Do You Want Barack Obama To Eat Your Money?’

By shortsshortsshorts, 14 December, 2009, No Comment

Sun Myong Moon has asked a question of great relevance. He is truly to be revered. What does the Washington Times bring to us, this day?

“Should President Obama sign the $1.1 trillion spending bill?” HMMM??? Excellent question, dear overlords. How will the People respond?

Response Percent Votes
Yes 1% 168 votes
No 97% 13961 votes
Undecided 0% 30 votes
Other 0% 139 votes
14298 total votes

Yes— everybody in the United States (minus a hundred or so) firmly object to any sort of “spending” by the Federal Government. The old saying goes “As goes the Washington Times, so goes the Nation,” correct?

But that’s not the only part of this information that must be quickly bestowed on all mankind. There are comments that require your immediate attention, dear reader.

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PrayerCast To Ruin Health Care Reform With Direct Action From God Himself

By shortsshortsshorts, 14 December, 2009, 1 Comment

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Wingnuts are tired of the conventional means in which our Nation is addressing health care. After all, mankind has failed to deliver a bill that is fitting to Conservative Jesus. As a number of matters continue to be ignored, it is time to break out the nuclear option— Jesus.

Jesus will be showing up at exactly 8:30 p.m. on Wednesday, December 16, 2009. He will probably be armed heavily, so be weary of this. Jesus only has so much time to kill the liberals and their awful health care initiatives. Who will he be present with? Why, all of his closest followers, of course. Here is a list of people who will be conferring directly with the Lord Almighty in anticipation of the coming slaughter:

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Religious Indoctrination Is All The “Hip” These Days

By shortsshortsshorts, 11 December, 2009, 2 Comments

Alright, religious people— enough is enough. We’ve been poking fun about this Christmas stuff for awhile, but you are getting a little bit insane. Are Christians experiencing a rare sort of paranoia? Everything is “THEY ARE TRYING TO GET US” and “BEING CHRISTIAN IS LIKE BEING BLACK.” Now it’s “if you don’t indoctrinate children to sing Christmas carols in schools, you are not only Satan— but will be given a hefty fine for being Satan.”

Yes, this new initiative is a real hoot, and it’s all being organized by a nice lady named Merry Hyatt. We do not know what else Merry has done— but she sure is Merry (CHRISTMAS, THAT IS).

Hyatt, who moved to Redding four months ago, said she joined the Redding Tea Party Patriots and recruited several members to help her collect the 433,971 signatures needed by March 29.

Good for you, Merry! Just why are you gathering these signatures?

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Tea Party Convention Kicks Ass and Chews Bubblegum— But Is All Out of Gum

By shortsshortsshorts, 11 December, 2009, 2 Comments

Hello, Tea Party Heroes. Are you fed up with not being emergency prepared? TEA BAG IT. That’s the plan for everything, isn’t it?

There is an exciting convention coming up. This will be a turning moment for all mankind. We will embrace our third party friends and exalt them to overlord status. It is written.

Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska (2006-2009) and the 2008 Republican Vice Presidential Nominee will be the guest of honor and keynote speaker.

WELL TICKLE ME SIDEWAYS, Tea Baggers. Sarah Palin is your unofficial leader. How about the TOPICS of this AMAZING convention?

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HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

By shortsshortsshorts, 8 December, 2009, No Comment

Sometimes we get some real humdingers.

Post-Abortion Pain May be Driving Attacks on Pro-Life Stalwart Sarah Palin


YES! That is what it is! Thank you, Life News.

In a nation that has lost more than 50 million children to abortion, we have millions of women who have these repressed feelings. Many have suffered silently from these negative consequences since their abortion.

You see, Sarah Palin is a result of millions of women’s repressed feelings. May the facts be known. LifeNews suggests that failure begets hate upon the white-washed innocence of the Palin— who incidentally isn’t much of a pro-life hawk herself— BUT WHATEVER.

Michele Bachmann Graces 700 Club With Her Presence

By shortsshortsshorts, 3 December, 2009, 5 Comments

Pat Robertson is one evil motherfucker. That is an a priori to this post. If you do not believe this fact, stop reading from here.

MICHELE BACHMAN ON THE TEE VEE:


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World Net Daily Pink Slips Stack As High As Anything You Have Ever Seen Or Heard Of

By shortsshortsshorts, 3 December, 2009, 3 Comments

Yes, World Net Daily has really outdone themselves. You may remember when they announced an exciting campaign to “Pink Slip” Congress for being so audacious as to work bills through committees and frequently make public appearances, but that’s all over now. World Net Daily has done the impossible — they lied about things.

Right now they claim that they have sold no less then 8 MILLION pink slips at the price of something like $25.00. This is not true. If it was true, that means any given audience at Fox — all three million of them — shelled out almost $75.00 to stick it to the man on behalf of a wingnut website. Yes — they are lying.

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Today is Screen Grab Day

By shortsshortsshorts, 2 December, 2009, No Comment

NICE HAIRCUT Yes— that is Jesse Ventura. He has decided to bring his “theories” to life, on TruTV, every week. His “show” appears this evening, and WE ARE ALL VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT. By the way, you can blame Dana for all of these screen grabs, as he was linking Your Editor to all kinds of horrible things last night that just had to be shared. Back to our irregularly scheduled programming.

However, compare the photo above with the Jesse Ventura, below.

We refer to this as a “vast improvement.” Let’s hope he still has the craziness, however. Otherwise this new show is really going to suck— like a lot. OKAY OKAY it is probably going to suck. Whatever— we warned you.

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