Posts tagged ‘Fox News’

Glenn Beck: “I Am Currently Feasting On Paint Chips”

By shortsshortsshorts, 9 March, 2010, 4 Comments

Look at the GIGANTIC photo to the left. He is pointing at you and laughing, readers. Glenn Beck hates you, you see— but you shouldn’t worry about it. Anybody who says the following is obviously desperate for attention.

“I beg you, look for the words ’social justice’ or ‘economic justice’ on your church Web site. If you find it, run as fast as you can. Social justice and economic justice, they are code words. Now, am I advising people to leave their church? Yes!”

SOCIAL JUSTICE=COMMUNIST FASCISM. Yes. It is clear. The sheer idea of going against the grain of every normal human inclination is no match for Glenn Beck’s niche. Yes— true grit, that one. Who would be inclined to believe that Christian programs promoting “social justice” could be so evil? Well, friends, they are.

STOP GOING TO CHURCH, as Christians are filthy Communist bastards. The Lord Beck has spoken. You must worship him.

Fox News To America: “I AM A FILTHY LIBERAL.” America to Fox News President: “You are Lying, You Bastard.”

By shortsshortsshorts, 2 March, 2010, No Comment

Something is delectably uncertain with America’s favorite news outlet, and we do not know where to place responsiblity. On the one hand you have a Rupert Murdoch scorning the lands of hope with Agent Orange, and on the other you have a strange character by the name of Roger Ailes, who is a man more full of gusto and true grit than the Augusto Pinochet. As President of Fox News he has scoured the spirit of free will and raped the souls of those who have yet to see God’s Green Earth. Roger is a corporate warrior. This isn’t your average can of soup. While Fox was running around screaming about lapel pins, Roger failed to get the memo. HE’S ACTUALLY A LIBERAL? What?

Not that it’s actually possible. The world is well aware that Roger is a hell-bent neo-con consuming the vast reaches of good that surround the typical human spirit, but he’s on a new kick, now. Like Shep Smith, he’s going AWOL in all ways Fox News. By even bringing up any contempt for the network he runs, there is not really the hope of vindicating his awful legacy, but getting more viewers. We can only assume this is the case, because Roger Ailes is no fucking liberal. He’s a fucking fascist. No human can deny this raging, poignant fact. Speculation went on vacation a long time ago and doesn’t appear to be returning anytime soon.

Take Rupert in the last few days. Everybody’s favorite dwarf fucker decided it would be a great idea to tear into the New York Times by saying it’s— unavailable in Mexico?

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George Bush Does Not Care About Penis

By AustinJunkie, 2 February, 2010, 8 Comments

The New York Times top story headline, “Huge Penis Deficit May Alter U.S. Politics and Global Power,” contains this opening paragraph:

Projections suggest there is virtually no room over the next decade for new penis initiatives for President Obama or his successors.

Indeed, there is no room. Probably. Who knows. Ten-year penis projections are about as useful, and accurate, as a two-week weather forecast.

Apart from the NO SHIT, DUMBASS obviousness of the assertion, the problem with this story, and others like it, is what it leaves out, implying that, one year in, the penis deficit is now OBAMA’S PROBLEM.

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United States To Become Fascist-Conservative Regime

By shortsshortsshorts, 22 January, 2010, 25 Comments

When you do a Google Image search for “fascist,” a vast majority of your results involve Barack Obama. Is this a TELLING SIGN? Yes, but not what one would think. What it means is that our Nation is full of mad-slobbering knuckle-dragging morons (YOUR EDITOR IS ONE OF THEM). Given that, we would like to discuss a Fox News thing:

Are We Witnessing the Death of Liberalism?

COMMENTS!

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Fox News Commentary Discussions: “When Should Scott Brown Be Sworn In?”

By shortsshortsshorts, 20 January, 2010, 2 Comments

It’s that time of the millennium, again. We are very excited about it. HERE COME THE FOX COMMENTS:

When Should the New Mass. Senator Be Sworn

In?

You probably know where this is going.

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There Still Is But One News Outlet That Cares About Tea Baggers

By shortsshortsshorts, 8 January, 2010, 6 Comments

Unfortunately no one else on planet “earth” agrees with FoxNews’ very ACCURATE prediction for 2010. Somewhere, in some alternate universe, there are Tea Baggers winning elections. Hope springs eternal.

Michael Steele Admits Drinking Problem Is Getting Out Of Hand: Begins 12 Step Program

By shortsshortsshorts, 5 January, 2010, 4 Comments

Frequent contributor “Butch” stumbled across something of vast importance this morning. We say “stumbled” because that is apparently what Michael Steele and Sean Hannity have been doing for far too long. Why does Michael Steele only admit this information now?

STEELE: That’s the first step to getting well. And it occurred to me that this really is a step-by-step process. It is taking some baby steps initially. But it really starts with taking your head out of your navel and paying ahead and looking to the…

HANNITY: Some people might use another term.

As you can see— Hannity is still in a bit of denial. Luckily, however, Michael Steele will admit his plight:

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Do Not Fornicate Until There Is Health Care Reform

By shortsshortsshorts, 22 December, 2009, No Comment

The verdict is still out on the effectiveness of this.

“We pledge ourselves to the health and liberty of young Americans and to government for the people … and to never f—ing you if you are against us,” the team of actors in the video says.

INTERESTING. You see, there are videos, on the Internet, that are entertaining. According to Fox, this is similar to another situation involving Obama Girl from last year:

The video was produced by comedy site FunnyorDie.com, the site that promoted “Obama Girl” and her raunchy videos in support of Barack Obama during the 2008 presidential campaign.

RAUNCHY, eh? Anyway— if you are between 12 and 21 years old, you will find great value to this website. ENJOY.

Fox News: “If We Brought Back Slavery — Jobs Would Return In Vast Abundance”

By shortsshortsshorts, 15 December, 2009, 2 Comments

Yes, the writing is on the wall. The above compilation is downright GENIUS. FOX News, while not “advocating” a position of lowering the Federal Minimum Wage, is simply bringing the idea up every 10 minutes. Lowering the minimum wage is a topic as frequent as your local weather forecast on the Weather Channel at this point.

But why blame them? Everybody knows the minimum wage is FAR TOO HIGH. At $7.25 an hour, it is clear that slaves are working too little, for far too much. Let’s break out the calculator.

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Bill O’Reilly: ‘I Will Murder All Illegal Immigrants’

By shortsshortsshorts, 11 December, 2009, 4 Comments

Bill-O is very angry with Law and Order: SVU, a show that nobody under the age of 70 has watched for years. Bill-O, however, is a frequent viewer. The latest episode? “What happens when illegal immigrant children are murdered?” Bill’s answer: AN ANGEL GETS ITS WINGS.

Bill’s beef is with a particular character who said the following:

“Limbaugh, Beck, O’Reilly, all of ‘em, they are like a cancer spreading ignorance and hate…They’ve convinced folks that immigrants are the problem, not corporations that fail to pay a living wage or a broken health care system…”

THIS ANGERS THE BILL. Thus, illegal Messicans will now experience the sheer power of Bill O’Reilly’s Mortars of Freedom.

Glenn Beck to America: ‘I Am Hitler’

By Dana, 9 December, 2009, 2 Comments

We have finally found UNEQUIVOCAL PROOF that Glenn Beck, America’s Prince, feels that he and only he is the rightful heir to Adolf Hitler’s Nazi throne.  What is this proof you ask?  Well, it’s complicated.

You see, Mr. Beck has been slandering people for some time now, in the name of justice, but this afternoon it seems as though he tipped his hand to the American people, by FLAGRANTLY MISPRONOUNCING A POLISH PERSON’S NAME.

The Piast Institute noted that Schakowsky’s name “is only three syllables long,” and that “its original spelling was altered to make it easy for English speakers to say.” And yet, the Michigan-based group adds, Beck “made a hash of pronouncing the surname.”

Beck’s seething hatred for the Poles is blindingly obvious.  Indeed, who since Mr. Beck has shown such disdain for the Polish people?  Oh, I don’t know, maybe it was Glenn Beck’s Official Spiritual Advisor (?) WHOSE NAME IS ADOLF HITLER!!!

And there’s your proof.

(HuffPo)

Journalism!!!

By Dana, 9 December, 2009, No Comment

obamawoods

From, der, The Fox Nation.

We Endorse Glenn Beck’s Controversial Endorsement of Various Stupid Products

By shortsshortsshorts, 8 December, 2009, No Comment

We are entering a wonderful time in media— or rather returning to a wonderful time.

Yes, there were days when news anchors could incorporate a product into a story. For instance, if say, there is a robbery and the victim successfully defends his/her self, the anchor could say “yes, folks— the crime was avoided with America’s Most Reliable pistol, the ______ (insert gun here).”

Glenn Beck is now the poster child for this sort of advertising, and we embrace it. Let’s talk about “Goldline.”

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Numbers Have An Inherent Liberal Bias— Or Do They?

By shortsshortsshorts, 8 December, 2009, 1 Comment

Fox News is very concerned about clarity when it comes to scientific facts. Their primary concern is to protect the tax payer and ensure equal governance. When it comes to climate change, for instance, various numbers must be scrutinized for the sake of “liberty” and “justice.” The strongest and most recent example of this? 120% of the American people are QUESTIONING the alleged “facts” that culminate into global warming— as scientists are known for their lies and trickery.

We have seen this steadfast and noble reporting on statistics from Fox before. They are the only “Honest Abes” left in the political arena. Let’ s have a look at the ACTUAL poll from Rasmussen:

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Your Afternoon Fox Nation Commenter Fiesta

By Dana, 7 December, 2009, 1 Comment

The Fox Nation woke up this morning in a vicious rage.  They collectively fired up their generators and logged onto AOL, and then BLAM!! OUTRAGE!! It seems like one Mister B. Hussein Obama is using his bully pulpit to give America all kinds of fingers!  Let’s take a look at the shocking video, and see what the level headed Patriots of the Fox Nation had to say about it.

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The Dream Ticket

By shortsshortsshorts, 19 November, 2009, 5 Comments

If you are a wingnut and hate your own party— you should be ELATED over this news:

Palin-Beck 2012?

COULD IT BE? Yes, there are rumors afoot as Sarah Palin opened up that wide berth of hers and sprayed spit and words out at some innocent person:

Sarah Palin has suggested Fox News firebrand Glenn Beck could be someone she’d consider as a running mate if she makes a bid for the White House in two years.

Do not adjust your Internets— what you have just read actually happened. We know not what this means, but we can interpret in a few ways.

1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
2. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
3. What the fuck?

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You Adore Me

By AustinJunkie, 18 November, 2009, 2 Comments

Woof!Do you adore Sarah Palin? Of course you do. You can’t get enough of her! Which is why the recent media blackout of Sarah Palin is hitting us all so hard. It’s almost impossible to find news about the girl. It’s like she fell off the side of the earth she believes is 6000-years-old and flat.

But just when you thought you’d never hear from Sarah Palin again, a person possibly named Nicole Coulter fashions a love letter, in the form of a comprehensive website, for the Sarah Palin stalker in all of us – Adoring Palin.

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Shocker: Right-wing Media Watchdog Finds FOX News Fair & Balanced

By AustinJunkie, 17 November, 2009, 1 Comment

The newstastic news-gathers at Newsbusters published a shocking revelation today. The revelation is so shocking that if you aren’t already sitting down when you read this, this Newsbusters revelation will knock you on your ass, when you read it. In fact, this Newsbusters revelation is so newsbustingly newsworthy and newsalicious that it will bust your mouth and rearrange your front teeth if you don’t close your mouth, when you read it.Walter weeps

So sit down and shut your mouth. Because Newsbusters has a revelation for you. Newsbusters has learned that if you commission a study by a former fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, a man who was also once a FOX News contributor, and who now works for a research institute that receives the vast majority of its funding from conservative sources, then that study will, shockingly, find that FOX News is the most fair and balanced news-gathering organization in all the land and never once ever was unfair to that horrible Kenyan usurper, Barack Osama or whatever.

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