Posts tagged ‘Failure’

George Bush Has Had A Very Exciting First Year

By shortsshortsshorts, 21 January, 2010, 3 Comments

Your Shorts & Pants has been in existence since February 8, 2009. ALMOST ONE YEAR! There is a reason for this. LET’S GET PERSONAL.

The idea for this “blarg” came about in June of 2008. Your Editor was saying “HMM, IT WOULD BE KINDA COOL TO START A SITE WITH SOME FRIENDS” and various people were like “YAY DOOD,” and thus the process began. There was one little hang-up though— George W. Bush was still our President. There was really nothing interesting to write about as long as that sore remained in office, so we had to wait. That is why the start of this thing began with the Obama administration, as there would be more hilarious moments to write about, instead of all that depressing shit we had to think about for far too long.

Well, now that we can be depressed again, we thought it was time to break out the big guns. We really had no choice, as “chascates” filled the tips box with “Brig “Bollyhood” posts about how great President Bush was. This is why your Editor, for the first time, is going to talk about the courageous and wonderful thing we all refer to as “the Bush legacy.” Chascates is such a jerk for doing this.

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“Your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy”

By AustinJunkie, 18 January, 2010, 4 Comments

Let’s face facts. Your Shorts&Pants correspondent is a red diaper baby. A commie born and bred. Every evening before he goes to bed he turns on all the lights in his house and sings L’Internationale (in the original French) at the top of his lungs.

When times are tough he prays to the Red Gods, Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, for deliverance.

There’s nothing finer than a May Day parade on Red Square, except for maybe interrogating an enemy of the revolution.

Mankind has been freed by the miracle of scientific communism! Say goodbye to hunger, unemployment and capitalist running dogs. And consumer goods. And fresh fruit. And privacy. But whatever.

As S&P’s resident revolutionary, there’s no one more qualified to review President Obama’s first year in office.

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Millions Of Angry Americans Take Over Wall Street: Crying and Gnashing of Teeth Becomes Normal Behavior

By shortsshortsshorts, 15 January, 2010, 2 Comments

Why are you people so angry with bankers? GET OVER IT. There is obviously something wrong with you. Obviously, as our previous post suggests, there is a natural law in how money is aggregated to citizens. Do you know about “trickle down economics?” Of course you do! That’s when the rich people get a bunch of sweet cash, and the rest of you folks just, well, sort of wait for it to come to you. Doesn’t that sound AWESOME? YES. IT MOST CERTAINLY DOES.

Reaganomics, people. That’s the idea. The more sacrifices you make for the sake of a wealthier person, the better. We get to be serfs. Sweet, right? Who doesn’t like serfing with their money? (Oh god dammit the spell check says we aren’t serfing. Wait that means subjected economic slavery? Oh Lordy this is not good.)

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Had This Critical Information Been Shared…

By AustinJunkie, 30 December, 2009, 8 Comments

Our responsibility at the Department of Homeland Security is equally clear…we must create new ways to share information and intelligence both vertically, between governments, and horizontally, across agencies and jurisdictions.

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge
October 2003

“Our infrastructure to protect aircraft passengers, crews, and cargo from terrorist acts has never been stronger than it is today. The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) workforce, comprised of tens of thousands of professional screeners, has been deployed at the 429 commercial airports across the Nation.”

The more than 7,000 new screening devices currently in use ensure that the latest technology is helping to keep dangerous weapons off aircraft. Federal Air Marshals are protecting tens of thousands of air passengers in aircraft cabins each day…Enhanced intelligence and tracking efforts throughout DHS are keeping high-risk passengers off aircraft and out of the country.”

Bringing 22 federal agencies under the DHS umbrella will improve air travel security, they said. Hiring thousands of “professional screeners” will “protect our nation from dangerous people,” they said.

How’s that working out for the brainiacs entrusted with our security when we fly?

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TSA To America: “We Have No Idea What the Hell Is Going On Right Now — So Neither Can You”

By shortsshortsshorts, 29 December, 2009, 4 Comments

Did you enjoy your Holiday traveling? If you haven’t had to fly this season, you are one lucky dog. IT IS HORRIBLE. However, being that our TSA people are now all over this issue, you can be assured it is going to get a helluva lot worse. Get excited, America:

Confused? So were scores of passengers who flew Monday on one of the busiest travel days of the year. On some flights, passengers were told to keep their hands visible and not to listen to iPods. Even babies were frisked. But on other planes, security appeared no tighter than usual.

You see, ever since the failed plot by the dude from Yemen, we are doomed to another year of hilariously ineffective and absolutely baffling security protocols. Soon you will remove your shoes not once, but twice. Then you will put one shoe on, and then you will stand on the foot that is still bare. This in the name of security.

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Politico Claims To Have ‘Exclusive’

By shortsshortsshorts, 22 December, 2009, No Comment

IT IS EXCLUSIVE! NO OTHER NEWS OUTLET OR BLOG HAS THE ABOVE INFORMATION. DO NOT CHECK HERE.

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Glenn Beck: International Sensation

By shortsshortsshorts, 4 December, 2009, 2 Comments

Glenn Beck unites all people. Many flock to see his wisdom. He is not a serial murderer or rapist— but rather a commentator on society that is unmatched by his peers. He is “peerless,” you might say.

On this same canvas we must point out that Mr. Beck wrote a book. It is called “I pissed my sweater.” In it, he talks about growing up and family and what not. In his book, he probably recalls the first time he tied his testicles tightly together and applied hot coals to his buttocks. We are not sure, as we did not read it. HOWEVER, like everybody else on Earth, we are very excited to give you the following information!

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Stupid E-Mails From John McWalnuts

By shortsshortsshorts, 3 December, 2009, 1 Comment

John McCain has figured out how to use an “e-mail” service. This should be the breaking news, but THERE IS MORE! His horrible amendment to the health care plan — the one where “Medicaid doesn’t get affected” is getting a vote today!

We are all well aware that Walnuts is doing all of this for money (sweet lobbyist buttsecks dollars, probably), so the amendment unlike many other lobbyist buttsecks amendments, will probably fail horribly. BUT IT DOES SEND A MESSAGE, right? HHHEENNNGHHH?? Anyway — the e-mail — right.

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TASER OF WISDOM: “GOP MATH = LESS IS MORE!” EDITION

By Sparky Satori, 1 December, 2009, 2 Comments

But If Bopp Means Masturbate, and Masturbation Is Murder, Then My Very Name Advocates Murder, Meaning I Cannot Be A Member Of A Pro-Life Party.... Hey, remember in 2000 and 2004 when the GOP Presidential candidate won fewer popular votes than his Democratic rivals, but through chicanery and Supreme Court chit-calling syphoned electoral college votes and became the President anyway?

Well, now the GOP has once again decided the best way to win political office in the future is to earn fewer votes. On the heels of the decisive victory in NY-23’s special election – in which GOP conservatives like Erick Redstate and Rush Limbaugh were thrilled to defeat a Republican who failed their personal litmus test, by electing a Democrat – some within the Republican braintrust are militating to roll that same program out nationally. In time for 2010 and beyond.

Here’s the skinny on the secret plot in which the GOP steals the Jonas Brothers’ purity ring shtick:

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“Leftist Elites” From “Leftifornia” Continue “Leftisizing” “Leftuania”

By shortsshortsshorts, 30 November, 2009, 2 Comments

Nevermind the picture of John McCain saying “GRRR” to the left of these words— the point is that angry Republicans exist, and they have a million new ways of describing Liberals.

In a well-crafted bit of word play, failed Director John Nolte pens his finest screed for ShortsandPants’ secret lover, Big Hollywood.

John Nolte is a real intellectual here, people. He directed “BEAUTIFUL LOSER,” which is something Nolte is not. We would call him “UGLIEST WINNER,” but that wouldn’t befall him properly either.

You see, John broke out his Thesaurus and searched for “Liberal” the other day, and this makes us glad. He took his findings and presented them in the future-blockbuster-film-producing blog post— Leftist Elites Trash Sarah Palin For…Being Kind.

Here is the thing John is talking about:

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Hoffman: “Everyone Is Out to Get Me”

By shortsshortsshorts, 19 November, 2009, 1 Comment

Why are you following Douglas Hoffman? WHY DO YOU HATE HIM SO MUCH? You bastards are making him paranoid, and that’s just cruel. Hoffman did nothing to you, right? So why the animosity? Why the black helicopters? Why the strange clicks during phone calls and the white van down the street? You need to cut this out, America. Doug has enough on his mind. He doesn’t need you coming into his home and changing his clocks, poisoning his coffee with anthrax, or having members of the New World Order convene in his basement every 3 weeks. The FBI should certainly stop sending Lizard People over to Hoffman’s home to convince him that none of this is happening, and Xenu is damned to hell if he keeps sending pamphlets trying to explain these occurrences. What we’re trying to say is, Doug Hoffman is being screwed over by every entity, government or not, that has ever roamed the land.

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Los Angeles Does Its Very Best to Encourage Paranoia

By shortsshortsshorts, 26 October, 2009, 4 Comments

What you will watch above is possibly one of the creepiest things that has ever been placed before the eyes of a grueling and desperate populace. In it, Los Angeles County endeavors to turn man-against-man with a surveillance effort unmatched by any known civilization since the Soviet Union decided to fall in 1989. This is an insane mantra with an ongoing theme— WATCH YOUR NEIGHBORS. The program is titled “iwatch,” as in a place to encourage citizens to freak out at any particularly unusual behavior that may or may not be happening in their own towns. It is absolutely incredulous and terrible. Now we can all watch each other and hope to be a part of the solution— that being turning in the woman a few doors down that makes you jealous and uncomfortable inside. Call her in! She’s a fucking terrorist!

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Stunning Business Seminars

By shortsshortsshorts, 21 October, 2009, 3 Comments

October 26, 2009— it may seem like a normal day to you. You wake up, walk your albino dragon, eat a hearty agrarian breakfast and shower under a crown of thorns. Yes— just another day. You have no idea that somewhere in this Nation a band of fools is coming together to poison the minds of the innocent, with “business talk.” You must understand, this is not “business talk” between average Joes. This is the cream of the crop of utter failure, with George W. Bush at the helm. This is the GET MOTIVATED BUSINESS SEMINAR in Fort Worth, and it is all sorts of bad.

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Taser of Wisdom: “GOP ENNUI” EDITION

By Sparky Satori, 7 October, 2009, 3 Comments

(Well, it’s Wednesday, so – like clockwork – Sparky Satori must be grumpy about… something.)

Your humble scribe has repeatedly kicked the GOP in the shins over the past few months. Not just because it’s fun to finally kick ‘em when they’re down, but to check for any kind of reflexive knee-jerk reaction. And why not? Knee-jerk reactionary rhetoric was once their stock in trade, but lately seems to have lost all its potency and flavor. Now it’s a matter of checking for a pulse.

The nation might need health care desperately, but the GOP needs it even more. Not that long ago, the GOP was a disciplined party, crafting and cleaving to a central talking-point message with a ruthless, goose-stepping efficiency. Now, the cadaver that was once the GOP is being fed upon by opportunistic vultures, leaving many – yours truly included – to wonder WTF is going on inside the hive-mind that once fancied itself the only recourse for rational self-interested voters.

The current picture ain’t pretty, and grows more grotesque by the day. What would happen if they threw a war party and nobody came? What hope is there for the future of the nation if the last bastion protecting us from Commie-Nazi-Socialist-Islamofascist hordes withers into impotence incurable by even all of Bob Dole’s little blue pills? And with all this talk of a “public option,” what option will the public have as we slide further toward a one-party state?

What indeed?

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PUMAs Continue to Live— Breath

By shortsshortsshorts, 10 September, 2009, 4 Comments

Do you remember that election we had back in November of 2008? The one where Barack Obama became our first Kenyan President? Well that’s over now.

Perhaps you recall when the primary ended— over a year ago? Yes. That’s long over too. BUT WE HAVE NEWS! The PUMA pack, which means Putrid Uighur Maternal Ass-swine, is still in full swing! This is the happiest thing we can share with you, America. They haven’t given up the cause of moaning and complaining at almost anything that exists, IF IT IS BARACK OBAMA, that is. Yes, the fun never starts.

Let’s share some headlines, straight from Murphy, the proclaimed leader of a once-not-recognized-and-still-vastly-unrecognized movement.

UPDATED: You know what— fuck the PUMAs. After going through the entire terrible website, your Editor couldn’t even find anything worth making fun of. That is how sad they are. So, so sad.

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The Real Austin Teabagging Party

By AustinJunkie, 5 July, 2009, 4 Comments

The Real Austin Teabagger’s Party, held July 3, 2009, blew out of the water the silly, commercialized version held the next day at the state capitol building.

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Worried About Car Payments? Just set your car ON FIRE!

By shortsshortsshorts, 25 March, 2009, 2 Comments

Hey everybody! There’s a hot new trend sweaping the nation, and all the kids are doing it!

Next month when your car payment is due, don’t bother paying for it— just drive your car outside of the city and watch it BURN:

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An Entire County of Kentucky Rednecks Arrested for Voter Fraud

By shortsshortsshorts, 20 March, 2009, 1 Comment

Well boy howdy! How are you today, Clay County Kentucky? Corrupt? We thought so.

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