Posts tagged ‘Fail’

TSA To America: “We Have No Idea What the Hell Is Going On Right Now — So Neither Can You”

By shortsshortsshorts, 29 December, 2009, 4 Comments

Did you enjoy your Holiday traveling? If you haven’t had to fly this season, you are one lucky dog. IT IS HORRIBLE. However, being that our TSA people are now all over this issue, you can be assured it is going to get a helluva lot worse. Get excited, America:

Confused? So were scores of passengers who flew Monday on one of the busiest travel days of the year. On some flights, passengers were told to keep their hands visible and not to listen to iPods. Even babies were frisked. But on other planes, security appeared no tighter than usual.

You see, ever since the failed plot by the dude from Yemen, we are doomed to another year of hilariously ineffective and absolutely baffling security protocols. Soon you will remove your shoes not once, but twice. Then you will put one shoe on, and then you will stand on the foot that is still bare. This in the name of security.

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Michele Bachman To America: ‘I Hate the Socialists— But Am One’

By shortsshortsshorts, 22 December, 2009, 3 Comments

If you had a certain distaste for Michele Bachmann in the past— you must stop that. Michele is as true to her word as all of the Founding Fathers, combined. She is a scarlet of many wisdoms. Like, for example, her hate of Federal spending.

We at ShortsandPants feel no need to link you to the THOUSANDS of posts we have done on the topic of Bachmann’s hate of “Socialism” and “Federal Spending Dollars” and HORRIBLE subsidies that all the welfare queens of the world gobble up every year, for sport. No, sir, there is no need. Michele has been on an everlasting tirade, and nobody, so far, has been spared. This is why it gives your Editor GREAT JOY to share the news from the home-front and what not.

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Politico Claims To Have ‘Exclusive’

By shortsshortsshorts, 22 December, 2009, No Comment

untitled IT IS EXCLUSIVE! NO OTHER NEWS OUTLET OR BLOG HAS THE ABOVE INFORMATION. DO NOT CHECK HERE.

Numbers Have An Inherent Liberal Bias— Or Do They?

By shortsshortsshorts, 8 December, 2009, 1 Comment

Fox News is very concerned about clarity when it comes to scientific facts. Their primary concern is to protect the tax payer and ensure equal governance. When it comes to climate change, for instance, various numbers must be scrutinized for the sake of “liberty” and “justice.” The strongest and most recent example of this? 120% of the American people are QUESTIONING the alleged “facts” that culminate into global warming— as scientists are known for their lies and trickery.

We have seen this steadfast and noble reporting on statistics from Fox before. They are the only “Honest Abes” left in the political arena. Let’ s have a look at the ACTUAL poll from Rasmussen:

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Charlie Crist’s Pedo Bear Sex Phone

By shortsshortsshorts, 4 December, 2009, 1 Comment

Are you a hot young stud seeking health care for your sick kin? You know— the kind of guy that cares for his kids, and also enjoys phone sex? If this is the case, you should consider the hottest phone conversation you will ever have— KidCare.

Florida has always been known for its vast amount of sex offenders and the like— but it’s just too much to bear when Government is encouraging this behavior. To wit:

“You can apply at www.flkidcare.org or by calling (number),” the recording says.

Simple enough, right? JUST GO TO THE WEBSITE, or call the phone number. Either way— this is not a complicated task, unless KidCare=Sex Line— which it does.

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Your Sometimes Daily WTF

By WilsonEdgar, 20 November, 2009, 7 Comments

From Wilson Edgar: “(Okay, again, not funny… but it could be a good starting point)

This thing starts with:

Citing the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s call to civil disobedience,
I mean how cute is that?? Funny thing is that while MLK was fighting for the rights of blacks these same people would come up with gems such as “If God intended people of different races to marry He would have not put them in different continents”.. but now interracial marriage is fine, Negroes can have the fat and the ugly (Meg I’m talking to you, come to daddy), it’s okay for them to cite MLK.

Hoffman: “Everyone Is Out to Get Me”

By shortsshortsshorts, 19 November, 2009, 1 Comment

Why are you following Douglas Hoffman? WHY DO YOU HATE HIM SO MUCH? You bastards are making him paranoid, and that’s just cruel. Hoffman did nothing to you, right? So why the animosity? Why the black helicopters? Why the strange clicks during phone calls and the white van down the street? You need to cut this out, America. Doug has enough on his mind. He doesn’t need you coming into his home and changing his clocks, poisoning his coffee with anthrax, or having members of the New World Order convene in his basement every 3 weeks. The FBI should certainly stop sending Lizard People over to Hoffman’s home to convince him that none of this is happening, and Xenu is damned to hell if he keeps sending pamphlets trying to explain these occurrences. What we’re trying to say is, Doug Hoffman is being screwed over by every entity, government or not, that has ever roamed the land.

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FOX Points Out Gay Schools With All of Their Gay Books

By shortsshortsshorts, 22 October, 2009, 2 Comments

There is persecution amok in our thriving public libraries. You see, according to FOX, straight people are being discriminated against— again. The militant gays just keep getting their way and hurting our great Nation. What can we even do to stop them?

FOX is fed up with every shelf in the school library being covered in books about how great it is to be gay. They are tired of gay pornography being forced into the minds of our once-innocent youth. They contest the further truth that books telling children how not to be gay are being banned from our society— just like Huckleberry Finn once was. SAVE US, JEEBUS!

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Stunning Business Seminars

By shortsshortsshorts, 21 October, 2009, 3 Comments

October 26, 2009— it may seem like a normal day to you. You wake up, walk your albino dragon, eat a hearty agrarian breakfast and shower under a crown of thorns. Yes— just another day. You have no idea that somewhere in this Nation a band of fools is coming together to poison the minds of the innocent, with “business talk.” You must understand, this is not “business talk” between average Joes. This is the cream of the crop of utter failure, with George W. Bush at the helm. This is the GET MOTIVATED BUSINESS SEMINAR in Fort Worth, and it is all sorts of bad.

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PUMAs Continue to Live— Breath

By shortsshortsshorts, 10 September, 2009, 4 Comments

Do you remember that election we had back in November of 2008? The one where Barack Obama became our first Kenyan President? Well that’s over now.

Perhaps you recall when the primary ended— over a year ago? Yes. That’s long over too. BUT WE HAVE NEWS! The PUMA pack, which means Putrid Uighur Maternal Ass-swine, is still in full swing! This is the happiest thing we can share with you, America. They haven’t given up the cause of moaning and complaining at almost anything that exists, IF IT IS BARACK OBAMA, that is. Yes, the fun never starts.

Let’s share some headlines, straight from Murphy, the proclaimed leader of a once-not-recognized-and-still-vastly-unrecognized movement.

UPDATED: You know what— fuck the PUMAs. After going through the entire terrible website, your Editor couldn’t even find anything worth making fun of. That is how sad they are. So, so sad.

The Real Austin Teabagging Party

By AustinJunkie, 5 July, 2009, 4 Comments

The Real Austin Teabagger’s Party, held July 3, 2009, blew out of the water the silly, commercialized version held the next day at the state capitol building.

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Visionary New Tank Top to Take U.S. by Storm

By shortsshortsshorts, 5 May, 2009, 2 Comments

Iz creative, nos?Not only is it the sexiest thing ever, but it will soon be the most important political event in history.

(MovieBlog)

URGENT: Call To Arms

By viyh, 3 May, 2009, 12 Comments

If you haven’t already (or even if you have), go vote at the RTP website in our bid to get Neal Horsley elected, as explained in the previous post. We are currently competing for a top 10 spot. Also, upvote it on reddit and digg!

UPDATE: And if you need more convincing, this youtube video should win you over!

Worried About Car Payments? Just set your car ON FIRE!

By shortsshortsshorts, 25 March, 2009, 2 Comments

Vote? What vote?Hey everybody! There’s a hot new trend sweaping the nation, and all the kids are doing it!

Next month when your car payment is due, don’t bother paying for it— just drive your car outside of the city and watch it BURN:

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Obama SLAMS the Special Olympics— Will not Extend Bailout to the Retarded

By shortsshortsshorts, 19 March, 2009, 2 Comments

a

Superman 4OH NOS! The President is a MENTALIST.

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“Diebold” Admits they Royally Screwed Up— Change Name to “Premier Election Solutions”

By shortsshortsshorts, 18 March, 2009, 3 Comments

OopsWell here’s a bit of GOLD that the liberal MAIN STREAM MEDIA refuses to expose— Diebold Fail.

Re-branding has become the popular thing in these times of economic TURMOIL or whatever, but when you control the outcome of National, State and Local elections, it’s probably a good idea to not get yourself in that position in the first place. Diebold, which is famous for making George Bush President, twice (allegedly), changed their name to Premier Election Solutions. Many may consider this to be a normal thing for a company to do, but not when you hear why:

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John McCain Conducts “Twitter” Interview— Destroys Journalism

By shortsshortsshorts, 17 March, 2009, No Comment

"I CAN'T RESIST THE URGE"Twitter is an exciting new “social mechanism” that everyone who said they were never, ever going to use it are, now, using it. Even ShortsandPants has entered the realm of “tweets,” but not before John “Walnuts” McCain managed to do right after the inauguration of our first Communist Muslim President. And now? He “tweets” LIKE A FIEND. HE IS EVERYWHERE. He is even coming up with new ways to conduct interviews in 140 characters or less, which is surely the beginning of the end for journalism. HOORAY! FINALLY!

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Bush v. Gore is Back— and Better than Ever

By shortsshortsshorts, 17 March, 2009, 2 Comments

The Nazi-Chipmunk FaceGood news! Bush v. Gore is legitimate case law! And it’s being used by Coleman! YAY!

Coleman is obviously very happy about this, especially after having to shut down his Internet donation thing because some MEANIE decided to screw with it.

Anyway, the never-ending legal cluster fuck between Norm Coleman and Al Franken continues to show that it really, truly will never end. While Harry Reid exudes a confidence  rarely scene in Reid about the situation by saying things like “He’s lost the election. What he should do is save the people of Minnesota a lot of money and allow them to have a representative here,” or in regards to Franken, “he won’t lose,” the silver bullet of Bush v. Gore trumps all, maybe:

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