Posts tagged ‘epic fail’

Millions Of Angry Americans Take Over Wall Street: Crying and Gnashing of Teeth Becomes Normal Behavior

By shortsshortsshorts, 15 January, 2010, 2 Comments

Why are you people so angry with bankers? GET OVER IT. There is obviously something wrong with you. Obviously, as our previous post suggests, there is a natural law in how money is aggregated to citizens. Do you know about “trickle down economics?” Of course you do! That’s when the rich people get a bunch of sweet cash, and the rest of you folks just, well, sort of wait for it to come to you. Doesn’t that sound AWESOME? YES. IT MOST CERTAINLY DOES.

Reaganomics, people. That’s the idea. The more sacrifices you make for the sake of a wealthier person, the better. We get to be serfs. Sweet, right? Who doesn’t like serfing with their money? (Oh god dammit the spell check says we aren’t serfing. Wait that means subjected economic slavery? Oh Lordy this is not good.)

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Congressional Loser Withdraws ‘Quitsies’, Announces ‘Takey Backies’

By Dana, 16 November, 2009, 8 Comments

Remember the recent congressional race in New York’s 23rd district?  The one where the Republican candidate wasn’t backwards enough so Doug Hoffman–a very backwards candidate from the ‘Conservative Party’–entered the race and subsequently lost to the Democratic candidate Bill Owens.  Well, he just announced that he would be ‘unconceding’ the election that he already lost, because why the hell not?

Oh, and he announced it on Glenn Beck’s radio show.  So there’s that.

(Huffington Post)

GOP Website— Finally Operational— Only $1.4 Million to Build!

By shortsshortsshorts, 27 October, 2009, 2 Comments

Websites are typically cheap to build and operate— even the most premium of web developers charges $150-$300/ hour to get a fancy site up and running. Take your ShortsandPants, for instance. It was designed by human hamsters for free, but at least we got the thing up and running— unlike the GOP. Their website was $1.4 MILLION, and the thing barely functioned from the very beginning. Here is your Editor’s favorite part of the broken site:

And when the GOP’s graphics-laden product was unveiled, many of the main sections appeared missing or broken, including one advertised as listing future party leaders, which showed up blank.

CONGRATULATIONS, future GOP leaders!

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Los Angeles Does Its Very Best to Encourage Paranoia

By shortsshortsshorts, 26 October, 2009, 4 Comments

What you will watch above is possibly one of the creepiest things that has ever been placed before the eyes of a grueling and desperate populace. In it, Los Angeles County endeavors to turn man-against-man with a surveillance effort unmatched by any known civilization since the Soviet Union decided to fall in 1989. This is an insane mantra with an ongoing theme— WATCH YOUR NEIGHBORS. The program is titled “iwatch,” as in a place to encourage citizens to freak out at any particularly unusual behavior that may or may not be happening in their own towns. It is absolutely incredulous and terrible. Now we can all watch each other and hope to be a part of the solution— that being turning in the woman a few doors down that makes you jealous and uncomfortable inside. Call her in! She’s a fucking terrorist!

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Stunning Business Seminars

By shortsshortsshorts, 21 October, 2009, 3 Comments

October 26, 2009— it may seem like a normal day to you. You wake up, walk your albino dragon, eat a hearty agrarian breakfast and shower under a crown of thorns. Yes— just another day. You have no idea that somewhere in this Nation a band of fools is coming together to poison the minds of the innocent, with “business talk.” You must understand, this is not “business talk” between average Joes. This is the cream of the crop of utter failure, with George W. Bush at the helm. This is the GET MOTIVATED BUSINESS SEMINAR in Fort Worth, and it is all sorts of bad.

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The Corpse

By shortsshortsshorts, 2 October, 2009, 1 Comment

There is a lot of complaining that has taken place in our modern economic nightmare— and this is fully justified. We Americans have grown used to the creature comforts of Fat Cat society. Almost everyone has a car that is less then 15 years of age and runs relatively well (as this is the law of the land), and most can heat their homes. Our shelves are stocked with everything ranging from cans of soup to goat cheese. Our children attend schools that, while not exactly perfect in any way, still far transcend that of say— Nairobi (haha just kidding)(maybe) but we continue to live well— despite the efforts of a small group of elites who have done everything in their power to destroy our way of life (why did they do that, anyway?).

The American Dream isn’t something that can be easily explained, but despite our hardships as of late, we continue to climb the ladder of responsibility (whatever that means). Productivity in this Nation is at an all-time high, because despite statements by so-called empty suits that the economy is just dandy, job loss is all too real.

Now, more then ever in our modern times, we are living out The Leviathan on a daily basis. Where it used to be a battle for who gets in line first for the DMV, now it is a matter of life or death on the job market— some sort of sick “piggy” game in which few will be winners. But, despite all of this, we carry on better than most in this world. Our social infrastructure is arguably not inherent selfishness and greed.

But what about Wayne County, Michigan?

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8,000,000,000 People Protest in Washington D.C. on 9/12

By shortsshortsshorts, 15 September, 2009, 6 Comments

What brand of insane must one person be to exaggerate a number by almost 2 million people? What kind of person operates under the almost certain psychosis equating to an elapsed operation of brain and heart— to the point where it appears millions of people are surrounding their cause? Is this a self-obsessed delusion, or a blatant lie? If you are Michelle Malkin, billions upon trillions of people showed up on September 12, 2009 to celebrate the day after September 11, just to make some shitty, distorted point.

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PUMAs Continue to Live— Breath

By shortsshortsshorts, 10 September, 2009, 4 Comments

Do you remember that election we had back in November of 2008? The one where Barack Obama became our first Kenyan President? Well that’s over now.

Perhaps you recall when the primary ended— over a year ago? Yes. That’s long over too. BUT WE HAVE NEWS! The PUMA pack, which means Putrid Uighur Maternal Ass-swine, is still in full swing! This is the happiest thing we can share with you, America. They haven’t given up the cause of moaning and complaining at almost anything that exists, IF IT IS BARACK OBAMA, that is. Yes, the fun never starts.

Let’s share some headlines, straight from Murphy, the proclaimed leader of a once-not-recognized-and-still-vastly-unrecognized movement.

UPDATED: You know what— fuck the PUMAs. After going through the entire terrible website, your Editor couldn’t even find anything worth making fun of. That is how sad they are. So, so sad.

Star Date: May 6, 2009— Subject? Those Naughty Videos

By shortsshortsshorts, 6 May, 2009, 20 Comments

Ladies and gentlemen:

For your consideration.

“Certain uhh, videos, of me, on the internet, uhhh, naughty videos, uhh explanation? Me being drunk?”

What are these videos? How about spanking yourself while wearing your briefs?

The man is actually holding his video game controller.

FINALLY: NOTE TO ALL OF US— never clarify your perverted postings by explaining them to the “YouTube” universe, as it is pretty much like destroying your credibility, forever.

UPDATE: This is what happens when you spend too much time on the internet:

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By shortsshortsshorts, 4 May, 2009, 10 Comments

EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENTS: This morning your editor e-mailed National Hero and Georgia gubernatorial candidate Neal Horsley about scheduling an interview.

Guess what? He wrote back and agreed to it. We will be interviewing him some time in the next week or so. Email us or comment on any questions you would like answered by our future-guest.

GOD SPEED TO NEAL.