Why are you following Douglas Hoffman? WHY DO YOU HATE HIM SO MUCH? You bastards are making him paranoid, and that’s just cruel. Hoffman did nothing to you, right? So why the animosity? Why the black helicopters? Why the strange clicks during phone calls and the white van down the street? You need to cut this out, America. Doug has enough on his mind. He doesn’t need you coming into his home and changing his clocks, poisoning his coffee with anthrax, or having members of the New World Order convene in his basement every 3 weeks. The FBI should certainly stop sending Lizard People over to Hoffman’s home to convince him that none of this is happening, and Xenu is damned to hell if he keeps sending pamphlets trying to explain these occurrences. What we’re trying to say is, Doug Hoffman is being screwed over by every entity, government or not, that has ever roamed the land.
ShortsandPants
Posts tagged ‘Doug Hoffman’
Hoffman: “Everyone Is Out to Get Me”
The Club For Growth (Not the Erectile Disfunction Kind)
The miraculous movement started in 1999 to destroy the Republican Party, somehow, has gained quite a bit of tread in the last year. This is an unexplainable anomaly, as The Club For Growth believes essentially the same thing as the GOP. The difference? THEY ARE THE NEW, IMPROVED GOP. Just look at what they did for Doug Hoffman! He was actually the “front-runner” of the right in New York’s 23rd Congressional District election, all because of The Club For Growth.
Congressional Loser Withdraws ‘Quitsies’, Announces ‘Takey Backies’
Remember the recent congressional race in New York’s 23rd district? The one where the Republican candidate wasn’t backwards enough so Doug Hoffman–a very backwards candidate from the ‘Conservative Party’–entered the race and subsequently lost to the Democratic candidate Bill Owens. Well, he just announced that he would be ‘unconceding’ the election that he already lost, because why the hell not?
Oh, and he announced it on Glenn Beck’s radio show. So there’s that.
TASER OF WISDOM: “GOP VACUUM” EDITION
Newt Gingrich manned up and echoed your humble scribe recently. Pointing out something so hideously obvious that only Republicans don’t get it, Newt threatened to take the party hostage in 2012. By running for the White House. Because there’s a “vacuum.” And Newt abhors that nearly as much as nature itself.
“Callista and I are going to think about this in February 2011. And we are going to reach out to all of our friends around the country. And we’ll decide, if there’s a requirement as citizens that we run, I suspect we probably will. And if there’s not a requirement, if other people have filled the vaccum, I suspect we won’t.” (Yes, that’s how Political Wire spells “vacuum.”)
Did Newt take the time to let Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin, Tim Pawlenty, Bobby Jindal, Michele Bachmann, and Rick Santorum know they’re all non-entities, invisible parts of a vacuum? Because they think they’re headed toward the Oval Office in ’12, each and every giddily self-absorbed, reality-ignoring one of ‘em.
Which is really weird, considering half of them won’t even be in what’s left of the GOP by then. And what’s left of the GOP by then will only be able to get into the White House by taking a tour.
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