Posts tagged ‘Conservatives’

United States To Become Fascist-Conservative Regime

By , 22 January, 2010, 26 Comments

When you do a Google Image search for “fascist,” a vast majority of your results involve Barack Obama. Is this a TELLING SIGN? Yes, but not what one would think. What it means is that our Nation is full of mad-slobbering knuckle-dragging morons (YOUR EDITOR IS ONE OF THEM). Given that, we would like to discuss a Fox News thing:

Are We Witnessing the Death of Liberalism?

COMMENTS!

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Pat Robertson’s Most Loyal Follower Has a Message For Haiti: “Screw You”

By , 14 January, 2010, 3 Comments

There is a place out there where cretins go to rant. It is a place that makes your Shorts&Pants look like it ISN’T PATRIOTIC ENOUGH. That’s right. We thought we were Earth’s Most Patriotic Gun Blog, but we have finally found our competition. These people. Let’s begin with a little racism.

Oldest self-governed Negro republic is completely dependent on US handouts even without earthquakes.

SPOT ON. Not only is that horrible, it is terribly fucking misleading. BUT WHATEVER. GO ON, Conservative Patriot:

Flash forward to 1915. The “Jewel of the Caribbean” is now a desolate cesspool, that is exporting almost no sugar. The United States decides to “take up the white man’s burden” and send the US Marine Corps to rebuild Haiti’s infrastructure and feed it’s starving population.

So why is Haiti the “white man’s burden?” Maybe we should get a more accurate idea of what really happened:

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A Children’s Treasury of Twitter Comments Aimed At Your ShortsandPants

By , 7 December, 2009, 4 Comments

Here at ShortsandPants, we just love feed back! Here is an exciting list of positive comments and constructive criticism that your ShortsandPants is very grateful for. We will not include the names of people who commented, as we aren’t nearly as bad as the world thinks we are, apparently. OR ARE WE? These are all very… umm… interesting. It is nice to see that so many people have caught on to our CONSERVATIVE VALUES, and such.

Have a peak!

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The Sky Is Blue

By , 1 December, 2009, No Comment

Do you ever wonder if Sarah Palin is popular among Republicans? How about if Sarah Palin is popular among people who watch Glenn Beck and listen to Rush Limbaugh? Do you ever wonder if Sarah Palin is disliked by independents? You know, people who aren’t fringe whacko fundamentalist Christian nutburgers?Pongo says what?

Me neither. But the Washington Post, ever clueless about the land beyond the DC Beltway, does wonder about these things that primates from baboons on up figured out long ago.

Yes Sarah Palin is popular among Republicans, and (gasp) even more popular among Beck and Limbaugh fans. “The former Alaska governor appeals strongly to the “very conservative,” to regular churchgoers and to white evangelical Protestants,” while independents despise Palin and think she’s “out of touch with normal people.”

We don’t know how much money the Post burned through to reach these startling conclusions, but we do know they keep a stable full of dead horses and every now again, like today for example, they take one out and give it the beating of a fucking lifetime.

Hoffman: “Everyone Is Out to Get Me”

By , 19 November, 2009, 1 Comment

Why are you following Douglas Hoffman? WHY DO YOU HATE HIM SO MUCH? You bastards are making him paranoid, and that’s just cruel. Hoffman did nothing to you, right? So why the animosity? Why the black helicopters? Why the strange clicks during phone calls and the white van down the street? You need to cut this out, America. Doug has enough on his mind. He doesn’t need you coming into his home and changing his clocks, poisoning his coffee with anthrax, or having members of the New World Order convene in his basement every 3 weeks. The FBI should certainly stop sending Lizard People over to Hoffman’s home to convince him that none of this is happening, and Xenu is damned to hell if he keeps sending pamphlets trying to explain these occurrences. What we’re trying to say is, Doug Hoffman is being screwed over by every entity, government or not, that has ever roamed the land.

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All Hail the Great Moon

By , 19 November, 2009, 2 Comments

It is quite true that we bask in his righteousness. We hail his undying word, and we love him whether or not he forgives our sins against the Word, but some wish to detract us. These detractors wish us great harm, and you shant listen to their lies. We must uphold our savior, the Rev. Sun Myung Moon. We must behold his awesome powers and bequeath his journalistic endeavors. All of us are connected— UNIFIED, if you will, to stand under the great power and grace that shall inherit all nations.

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Ribbit?

By , 24 September, 2009, No Comment

HEAR THE RALLYING CRIES OF THE DEAD FROG, because of umm… freedom?

All In the Family

By , 17 September, 2009, 6 Comments

oh jesus hell What usually happens when you put a group of carnivorous freaks in the same room results in a sort of “mini-Nationalism,” or as we like to call it— filthy fascism. There is no place for it in our country, and yet still we allow it. It’s a bit like the town hall mess that was forced upon us last month, but this time— it’s on the radio.

What happens when Michele Bachmann and Janet Porter go on the radio together? Well, as Right Wing Watch shows us all— it’s a nightmare.

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Religion is Insane! Culture Wars Edition

By , 7 July, 2009, 8 Comments

Here’s a new twist on the “cola wars”!  Forget what you thought about the blind taste test!  If you love Jesus, you must only drink Coke now.  Did you hear me Sheeples???!!111!!  Pepsi is the drink of FAGS! And probably Commies, libruls and MUSLIMS.  I bet NOBAMA even prefers Pepsi.  (Though I bet our hot sweaty svelte trim POTUS does the diet variety.)  How do I know this?  The American Family Association told me so. You see, Pepsico dared promote teh gay lifestyle by SPONSORING GAY PRIDE PARADES!

pepsi-obama-logoTell me, dear editor, that cute nice genuine homosexual you interviewed actually had Pepsi in that amber bottle, didn’t he!!1!1
Not only does Pepsico flaunt immoral deviant sexual behavior, it lied about it!

PepsiCo is telling those who call to complain about PepsiCo’s sponsorship of gay pride parades that it does not sponsor such parades. That simply is not true.

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The Real Austin Teabagging Party

By , 5 July, 2009, 4 Comments

The Real Austin Teabagger’s Party, held July 3, 2009, blew out of the water the silly, commercialized version held the next day at the state capitol building.

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I will teabag the conservatards in the name of LIBERTY!

By , 9 April, 2009, 3 Comments

Oh, hi there! Maybe you’ve all heard about this new, sexy thing the cool kids are doing these days called “teafucking” or “bagsucking” or “biblehumping” or “something.” Anyways, there are big, exciting republican orgies scheduled to take place in public around the country next Wednesday.

I went to one of these recent displays of ignorance and chlamydia and HO BOY WUZ THAT FUN!!! I will be attending the upcoming Seattle festivities because of the off-chance I’ll get to hang my sack on some libertarians goatee. I will bring my camera and ask them questions. Do you have something you’d like the Hobo to ask? Leave it in the comments.

Sample question: not counting the day you were born, how many times have you been in contact with female genitalia?

Conservative Columnist Discovers that Republican Party is Mostly White People

By , 16 March, 2009, 1 Comment

IT'S BLACK (??!)Well holy hell! Who would have guessed it? The “party of Abraham Lincoln” just can’t figure out why minorities despise them.  Luckily, the Wall Street Journal has decided to help:

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Conservative T-Shirt Website is Hilarious and Offensive

By , 2 March, 2009, 1 Comment

"Buck Farack."Do you like typing comments on places like “AOL” or “Redstate” in ALL CAPS!11!!!@? Are you a fan of “LOWER TAXES AND LEZ’ KEEP ‘DIM MESSICANS OWTTA OUR CUNTRY?”

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Republican In-fighting Will Prove to be Ultimate SUCCESS for GOP

By , 2 March, 2009, 2 Comments

NOM NOM NOMAs if CPAC could not have gotten more hilarious, it turns out that indeed, IT HAS!

Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich are BATTLING for their lives. It appears the gentlemen cannot agree on whether Ronald Reagan should continue to be the party overlord, years after he is dead, or if they should move onto other dealings, such as cutting the capital gains tax (because nobody from the right has ever argued that before, like ever).

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30 Rock Actor but Easily Recognizable Kenneth the Page is Apparently Bobby Jindal

By , 27 February, 2009, No Comment

DELICIOUS

Call it the Friday night “fun post,” but damn, this is particularly awesome. This has already exploded on the interwebs, but there it is.

For the Conservatives, Black is the New White

By , 27 February, 2009, 1 Comment

BUY THIS NOW. Sup yo. How are your conservative homies, gangsta?

Have you had to pull out your nine this week to cap some punk-bitch? Yes? WELL THAN YOU ARE A REPUBLICAN:

Alas! A new meme has crawled from the dusty man-orifice that is CPAC, but it didn’t come from a man! It came from Michelle Bachmann:

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