Maybe you’re one of the two or three people still watching the NBC drama Heroes. Remember the character Nathan Petrelli (http://votepetrelli.com/), fictional senator from New York? Of course you do — he can fly! How cool is that? What if your elected representative could fly — or had any ol’ superpower like, say, x-ray vision? Well, fictional Sen. Petrelli has nothing on real life US House Rep. John Shadegg (http://johnshadegg.house.gov/), R-AZ. You see, Rep. Shadegg possesses an extraordinary superpower (italics) — he can read the mind of babies.
Imagine, if you will, that you can read the mind of babies. Imagine the scientific breakthroughs, the revolution in communication, the sheer number of lives (italics) you could save by changing the way humans care for babies! A baby could tell you “hey, I’m about to kick the bucket from what you clowns call ‘Sudden Infant Death Syndrome,’ so how ’bout a little help here.” Or “I can’t hear anything, I think I might be deaf, not retarded, you fucking idiot parents!” Or even “if you don’t stop holding me like that I’m going to pee on you every time you change my diaper for the rest of my life, you bastard!”
But John Shadegg doesn’t have time for such trivia. He’s not interested in saving baby lives. He’s not even bothered if all babies everywhere pee on their diaper changers. No, Rep. Shadegg, upon realizing he can read a baby’s mind, seized upon something far more important to our nation’s future. He asked a baby, Maddie, the seven month old daughter of his chief of staff, what she thinks about the health care reform bill currently winding its way through the US Congress. Remarkably, in a twist unforeseen by even our nation’s greatest prognosticators, the baby’s views on health care reform mirrored almost exactly those of the minority Republican Party.
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“Maddie knows if this bill passes, she knows her mom’s health care will go away and won’t be around for five years. If the bill passes then no more health care for her mom because it has to change. Maddie wants patient choice. She doesn’t want her mom’s premiums to go up. She doesn’t want her mom’s taxes to go up by $730 billion…She wants America’s health insurance companies to have to compete with each other. she believes in choices. but most of all, she says, don’t tax me to pay for health care that you guys want. If you want health care, pay for it yourself, because it’s not fair to pass your health care bills on to me and my grandchildren.”
What great lesson for mankind has this reader of babies’ minds taught us? Well, that the voting age should be lowered to six months, obviously. That school is pointless, as babies apparently learn by osmosis sophisticated concepts like how a bill becomes law. That babies are incredibly selfish and douchey, not unlike the fringe whackos who’ve taken over the Republican Party. And that communist indoctrination can’t start soon enough.
Maybe you’re one of the two or three people still watching the NBC drama Heroes. Remember the character Nathan Petrelli, fictional senator from New York? Of course you do — he can fly! How cool is that? What if your elected representative could fly — or had any ol’ superpower like, say, x-ray vision? Well, fictional Sen. Petrelli has nothing on real life US House Rep. John Shadegg, (R-AZ). You see, Rep. Shadegg possesses an extraordinary superpower — he can read the minds of babies.
Imagine, if you will, that you can read the mind of a baby. Imagine the scientific breakthroughs, the revolution in communication, the sheer number of lives you could save by changing the way humans care for babies!
A baby could tell you “Hey, I’m about to kick the bucket from what you clowns call ‘Sudden Infant Death Syndrome,’ so how ’bout a little help here.”
Or “I can’t hear anything, I think I might be deaf, not retarded, you fucking idiot parents!”
Or even “If you don’t stop holding me like that I’m going to pee on you every time you change my diaper for the rest of my life, you bastard!”
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Let’s face facts. Your Shorts&Pants correspondent is a red diaper baby. A commie born and bred. Every evening before he goes to bed he turns on all the lights in his house and sings L’Internationale (in the original French) at the top of his lungs.
Chascates— ShortsandPants’ worst enemy (HE HATES THIS WEBSITE SO VERY MUCH)— submits a solution that will make most Conservatives immediately diabetic. Seizures all round. It may involve “logic,” which is far too much for many of us to bear — but let’s give it a shot.
