Posts tagged ‘Christians’

New And Exciting Things… On The Internet

By shortsshortsshorts, 5 March, 2010, 3 Comments

Do you want an exciting map to all kinds of witchcraft, occults and the like? Are you fed up with this damned idol worshipers getting between you and the mighty Jeebus? Well, friend— we have the perfect opportunity for you.

How does one do such a thing? What is our tact? Apparently, for some, it lies in something wonderful and true that out spans the strange notion of logic that we are supposedly founded upon. For Amarillo, Texas, this comes into a creepy version of “When Harry Met Sally” melded with “Full Metal Jacket.” It seems totally fucked, as it is that, but we mustn’t tie ourselves to the obvious mess of it. For example:

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We Are All Transsexuals Now

By shortsshortsshorts, 12 January, 2010, 1 Comment

Recently we mentioned that Obama appointed Amanda Simpson, man-turned-woman, to senior technical adviser in the Commerce Department. Well, of course, the Family Research Counsel jumped all over this one and have now released a statement that concerns us all. Soon we will either be transsexual, or we will have to kill them all off.

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Sneaky Pro-Life Fanatics Lose Yet Another Attempt At Being Sneaky

By shortsshortsshorts, 12 January, 2010, 4 Comments

Haha you pro-life people are such jerks sometimes. There was some blasted initiative in Nevada that sought to say the following:

The Nevada Personhood initiative proposed to amend the state Constitution by defining a person and extending due process rights from the beginning of biological development through end of life. The petition does not specifically mention abortion, but says its intent is to codify “the inalienable right to life for everyone, young or old, healthy or ill, conscious or unconscious, born or unborn.”

Sneaky bastards! This is their way of doing things, apparently. Various states have enacted parental notification laws, and various others are currently entrenched in utter warfare over the “definition of a person.” Well how would you define a person, reader? It seems pretty fucking obvious to your Editor what a “person” is, but not so for the “Nevada Personhood” folks. Luckily, they have failed miserably, once again.

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Pat Robertson Warns America: “The End Of Financial Days Comes Near To Us”

By shortsshortsshorts, 5 January, 2010, 4 Comments

Pat Robertson is a terrorist. We know this much. Just three years ago he predicted that a massive terrorist attack would kill all humans, and now he’s taken that moronic anti-American prediction and BLOWN IT UP. This should be the best 2010, ever.

Pat Robertson says God has told him that the U.S. is under a cloud of divine wrath and is headed for financial ruin. The Christian broadcaster announced his 2010 predictions on Monday’s broadcast of The 700 Club.

It must be nice to have “God” talk to you about various matters. Why is Pat Robertson the only human being with this ability? Whatever, Pat. We are all listening.

Pat Robertson: Economist.

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The Gay Litmus Test

By shortsshortsshorts, 30 December, 2009, 3 Comments

What to do in our modern society? How do we react to these changing times? There are “gay people,” and they are Republican? How did this come about? Apparently there are a few people in the world with very little self perception. This is common. We cannot blame them for it, but we can still ridicule them — and that is the subject, good readers! Just how do you know — IF YOUR CONGRESSMAN IS GAY?

Yes, this should take some serious thought, which is why Americans For Truth will guide us through this maze of confused “sleuthing” called “outing.” It is not only imperative for America, it is binding on our future. Never Forget. Peter LaBarbera explains:

My position and that of Americans For Truth has been clear: voters have a right to know if a politician or candidate is practicing homosexuality (or any other sexual sin) or is deeply sympathetic to same.

You are either gay, or WORKING FOR THEM. Hold on, people —it gets better.

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‘Even though Christmas is less than a week away, we are literally in a battle for our lives and our freedom,’ States Faith2Action President Janet Porter

By shortsshortsshorts, 18 December, 2009, 2 Comments

Faith2Action is currently wetting their pants over health care. The issues of Climate Change and Health Care Reform have caused them to call for a “fast.” The idea of this “fast” would be that Jesus would listen and start influencing world leaders to tell Satan to GET BEHIND THEM. This borders on “insane,” but we will toe the line and call it “INCREDIBLY PATRIOTIC AND SMART.”

“All I want for Christmas is my life and my freedom. But it’s going to take prayer, fasting, and action to achieve that.” Porter emphasized. “Even when you’re standing in line at the mall, use that time to pray, and put the Capitol Switchboard number on speed dial: 202-224-3121.”

Liberals must counter this by praying to Satan and calling the same number to explain to Congress that, even though a minority of psychos are derailing Health Care Reform, they are exactly that — a “minority of psychos.”

PrayerCast To Ruin Health Care Reform With Direct Action From God Himself

By shortsshortsshorts, 14 December, 2009, 1 Comment

jesus-icon-1-770127.gif
Wingnuts are tired of the conventional means in which our Nation is addressing health care. After all, mankind has failed to deliver a bill that is fitting to Conservative Jesus. As a number of matters continue to be ignored, it is time to break out the nuclear option— Jesus.

Jesus will be showing up at exactly 8:30 p.m. on Wednesday, December 16, 2009. He will probably be armed heavily, so be weary of this. Jesus only has so much time to kill the liberals and their awful health care initiatives. Who will he be present with? Why, all of his closest followers, of course. Here is a list of people who will be conferring directly with the Lord Almighty in anticipation of the coming slaughter:

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Religious Indoctrination Is All The “Hip” These Days

By shortsshortsshorts, 11 December, 2009, 2 Comments

Alright, religious people— enough is enough. We’ve been poking fun about this Christmas stuff for awhile, but you are getting a little bit insane. Are Christians experiencing a rare sort of paranoia? Everything is “THEY ARE TRYING TO GET US” and “BEING CHRISTIAN IS LIKE BEING BLACK.” Now it’s “if you don’t indoctrinate children to sing Christmas carols in schools, you are not only Satan— but will be given a hefty fine for being Satan.”

Yes, this new initiative is a real hoot, and it’s all being organized by a nice lady named Merry Hyatt. We do not know what else Merry has done— but she sure is Merry (CHRISTMAS, THAT IS).

Hyatt, who moved to Redding four months ago, said she joined the Redding Tea Party Patriots and recruited several members to help her collect the 433,971 signatures needed by March 29.

Good for you, Merry! Just why are you gathering these signatures?

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The Worst World Net Daily Thing We Have Ever Seen

By shortsshortsshorts, 10 December, 2009, 4 Comments

Here’s something that should make the heathen-blood boil! His name is Kenneth L. Hutcherson, and he wrote a thing that is just RANDY, we tell you. World Net Daily has never made such an honest and straight-forward point.

Another way secular society is trying to control Christians is by the fallacy of the separation of church and state. That establishment clause was intended to protect the church from the state, not to keep the church from participating in the state. Christians’ ignorance of the meaning of the establishment clause has allowed us to be controlled just like the African Americans were in the 1950s and ’60s.

READ THE BLOCK QUOTE AGAIN. Read it 80 times. Christians are not just the new black, they are SUPPOSED to be intermingled with State affairs, all the time. The roughly 60 words you see above are spot on. No questions, please.

Headline of the Day

By shortsshortsshorts, 30 November, 2009, 2 Comments

BBC Abandons Ballet With

Deformed Rapist Pope

You are welcome.

Your Essential “War On Christmas” Watch List

By shortsshortsshorts, 30 November, 2009, 1 Comment

“StandforChristmas.com” has compiled a list of retailers who aren’t Jesus enough for your sweet Holiday money-dollars. They have posted this, on the Internet. Yes— that is where it is.

As most of us Americans are fully engaged in this meaningless agenda, we encourage all of you to check out percentages, such as this!

“           Retailer                       Friendly   Negligent  Offensive

American Eagle Outfitters 27%        9%            64%”

While these numbers come from some unknown source and are patent bullshit— it is still important to share. No work from the War on Hanukkah people yet but are sure they’re around— somewhere.

Your Sometimes Daily WTF

By WilsonEdgar, 20 November, 2009, 7 Comments

From Wilson Edgar: “(Okay, again, not funny… but it could be a good starting point)

This thing starts with:

Citing the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s call to civil disobedience,
I mean how cute is that?? Funny thing is that while MLK was fighting for the rights of blacks these same people would come up with gems such as “If God intended people of different races to marry He would have not put them in different continents”.. but now interracial marriage is fine, Negroes can have the fat and the ugly (Meg I’m talking to you, come to daddy), it’s okay for them to cite MLK.

Huffington Post Skirts the Truth About Southern Obesity

By shortsshortsshorts, 19 November, 2009, 7 Comments

A study was done about fat bastards! It turns out they are numerous, and that 80% of them are in the South and Appalachian Mountains. What does that say about southerners, according to the Huffington Post? Let’s take a gander:

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It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like the War On Christmas

By shortsshortsshorts, 18 November, 2009, 8 Comments

It’s that time of the year, again! The time when the American Family Association, in conjunction with Fox News, makes all of their sweet cash dollars! It’s around Christmas time, after all, that the AFA gets most of their donations. The reason? THE LIBERALS HATE THE CHRISTMAS. Now, we’ve talked about this impending doom before — and have of course done the same for other pagan holidays that are somehow intertwined with Jude0-Christian beliefs, but we would still like to check in with our friends at the AFA just to see how the efforts on the ground are going for them. Our findings have concluded — they’re screwing the pooch.

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Lying Liars Who Love to Lie (Newt Gingrich, et al.)

By Random, 18 November, 2009, 2 Comments

It is commonplace in our Nation to appoint “Judges” to various Courts. In fact, for the last 225 years this process has gone relatively unabated. BUT THINGS CAN CHANGE!

For some reason the GOP loves to bitch and whine— that’s why your Editor got an e-mail from “Tom Phillips” about the appointment of David Hamilton. If you believe what the e-mail says, you will secede from the Union. Luckily, it is full of lies.

Here is the e-mail, UNEDITED, as it is both terribly formatted and just generally insane:

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Sarah Palin: Humans Evolved from (Christian) Monkeys

By Dana, 16 November, 2009, 6 Comments

Sarah Palin would like America to cut the bullshit with the whole Evolution vs. Creationism debate already, because she’s got this thing figured out.  So to you 97% of Americans who believe that the Christian God Jesus Hussein Christ personally hand-crafted all of your human bits from love and magic and blind hate–you’re mostly right.

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Happy Halloween

By shortsshortsshorts, 30 October, 2009, 9 Comments

It’s the time of the year for dressing up like an idiot and feeling “cool” about it! Everyone is very excited about this prospect, except for a few angry Christians, who bequest to discover the EVIL ROOTS of the pagan Holiday that is Halloween. You see, there is no Jesus associated with Halloween, unlike the pagan Holiday of Christmas— therefore Halloween must end.

Chascates, who continues to hate this website more then anything (he literally sends death threats to me on a daily basis— in the form of tips) sends us two articles for your consideration.

1. Halloween is evil.
2. Halloween is REALLY REALLY evil.

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Obama and His Love For Militant Gays is Urinating On Jesus

By shortsshortsshorts, 28 October, 2009, 5 Comments

Angry Christians abound! They are everywhere! You see, various “Leagues” are incensed by various “things.” We will feature two of these in one post. IT’S LIKE A BUY ONE GET ONE FREE SALE!

Your Editor is very tired after waking up early to go to the protest-fest down on Market Street and therefore hasn’t been “writing,” but no worries! There’s another protest tomorrow against the coal industry, and of course your ShortsandPants will be there— camera in hand.

Anyway, CHRISTIANS— you keep making up shit, and that is rather entertaining. One such story involves the “Hate Crimes” bill that recently made it illegal to beat the living shit out of gay people. This is, of course, an outrage. As a Nation we are bound by our Founding Fathers to senselessly destroy the will of another. It is the American way, god dammit.

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