Posts by shortsshortsshorts

Vote For Star Parker And Enjoy The Fruits Of All And Any Things— But Not Any And All Things

By , 12 April, 2010, 7 Comments

Star Parker would like to share with you a few simple facts. One of which is that she was on welfare. This welfare did not assist her, but rather RUINED ALL AFRICAN AMERICAN LIFE AS WE KNOW IT. She, being black, can even get away writing a book describing Social Services as “Plantation Politics.” Hell— she wrote a book about it. Yes— “Plantation Politics.” That’s when the Government sends you money that you need to continue living and, in an act of societal betrayal, you just stop working entirely. For any readers on welfare— how’s that turning out for ya? Do you have your Ferrari yet? Where the hell is your Ferrari? C’mon, people— get on that welfare train and buy yourself whatever the hell you think is necessary.

Star Parker is full of shit. This is clear. She’s a bit like a Michael Steele. While she wants to “relate to the people” it appears (and I’m being careful about this one) that her ultimate goal is to become a white person.

You may say “Jesus shorts— you must be the most racist person who has ever walked the planet in any way, ever.” Well, dear reader, you are incorrect in this assumption. Consider the following:

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Gays Have Failed To Destroy Governance of Montana— All Are Appalled

By , 12 April, 2010, 2 Comments

This is truly a time of sadness in our Nation. Missoula has been the center of the most lightning-hot political scandal since Watergate, and we haven’t put our attention into it. Your Shorts & Pants apologizes for this. There were other matters to attend to.

Opponents raised fears about unsavory outcomes, such as criminal offenses in bathrooms. But around the country, similar laws that protect people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender from housing and job discrimination are becoming more common, and some have been around for decades.

The results? Apparently mostly quiet. Fears of upticks in crime or frivolous lawsuits seem to be unfounded. In some cases, though, people such as transgender women banned from dressing rooms have used such laws to open those doors.

So— all you fuckers who believe that anti-discrimination laws are going to end the world in no less then 36 hours can suck it. And— as your Editor has personally seen hordes of women using the men’s restroom in the past, it is inquisitive that the linked article had this to point out:

Laws against sexual crimes, such as “peeping persons,” remain in full force. The ordinance doesn’t touch them, and Nugent said no current law addresses who can use what restroom now.

“I’ve had lots of women tell me they use the men’s bathroom,” Nugent said.

And that is that.

Christians Are Just Being Eaten Alive Everywhere— Who Will Stop This?

By , 30 March, 2010, 5 Comments

Dear readers— your Shorts & Pants has received an omen this morning from every tip received today. It is that Christians… yes CHRISTIANS… are being punished by every facet of humanity. This is a terrible occurrence, and your Editor won’t stand for it. No no. It’s time for a Christian Roundup. We must expose the TROOF behind these lies. Yes, that. Let’s do that. Sure.

First of all we here of this group of Christian Militants desiring to kill a peace officer in Florida. While this may seem to be a straight forward case of “insanity,” Christian News Wire would like to give you another take. In fact, as Christian News Wire points out— they are the victims in this debacle. It may be that religion has spawned multiple wars and killed millions of people for the last 6,000 years (as the world is only 6,000 years of age), but a few bad apples shouldn’t spoil the lot. Dr. Gary Cass of the Christian Anti-Defamation Commission would like to articulate this point to you.

“Even if they identify themselves as Christians, what they were allegedly planning is absolutely contrary to Christianity. They may have illicitly co-opted the Christian faith to justify their murderous intentions, but it is defamatory for the media to keep referring to them as Christians. They are simply terrorists.”

You may interpret this in any way you see fit, but my own interpretation is that Christians are terrorists. WHAT TO DO WITH THESE CHRISTIAN TERRORISTS? OH SWEET GOD.

Moving on.

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Fucking Idiots (Yes. This Is the First Time Your Shorts & Pants Has Used That Headline)

By , 30 March, 2010, 1 Comment

Alright people. What the hell is this thing? Honestly. Help us out. How’s your “Freedom Index” working out for ya? Not so well? WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT. Luckily World Slut Daily recognizes this and would like to point out something— anything.

The Ultimate In Wing-Nut Technology

By , 29 March, 2010, 3 Comments

No thing has ever scared the living hell out of your Editor then the following banter of mixed tribulations and useless fear tactics. You MUST READ IT. It is required curriculum in our post-Capitalistic America.

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Michael Steele Demands Jet: RNC Cannot Provide Said Jet Because They Have Absolutely No Money: Michael Steele Asks For Bondage Night-Club Party In Response— RNC Agrees

By , 29 March, 2010, 1 Comment

Yes, friends— we have received a number of tips regarding everybody’s favorite Republican National Committee Chairman, and they do not look so good. Unfortunately (and we hate to say it), Michael Steele is in a bit of a quandary. When he asked for a private jet, the answer was “no.” How could the answer be no? MICHAEL STEELE NEEDS A JET. Instead, he was given the opportunity to attend “voyeur sexy nightclubs” in Los Angeles, where apparently “bondage” is a wonderful theme embraced by all. Well done, Michael.

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“Two Nukes Just Wasn’t Enough”

By , 28 March, 2010, 2 Comments

Things are happening in New Hampshire— interesting things. State Representative Nick Levasseur is receiving a bit of guff for saying— when talking about Japanese “Anime” (Sp?), that “two nukes wasn’t enough.” Yes, this is one way to get elected in the State of New Hampshire. Trust us.

Friday Fun Post: “Where Did This Come From?” Edition

By , 26 March, 2010, No Comment

Yes— there it is. We do not know “what” it is, but it exists now, so enjoy.

Headlines Of Vast Importance

By , 26 March, 2010, 2 Comments


GET YOUR FUCKIN’ FEAR ON, friends. As FOX has explained, even breasts will destroy you with the fire of a thousand burning suns. You will be comfortable on your crappy, uncomfortable (wait did we just say comfortable?), overpriced airline seat and all of a sudden the woman next to you just EXPLODES. Her chest, which you may or may not have been staring at for reasons of her “little plastic surgery” escapade will literally kill us all. You may not see it coming, but at least FOX does.

When did breasts become so dangerous? From the days of antiquity women breasts have been hailed as life-giving instruments. So WHEN DID THE BREASTS START GETTING SO VIOLENT? FOX would like to explain.

The shocking new Al Qaeda tactic involves radical doctors inserting the explosives in women’s breasts during plastic surgery — making them “virtually impossible to detect by the usual airport scanning machines.”

FEAR! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE! THE BOOBS ARE COMING! THE BOOBS ARE COMING!

Finally— An Article From CBN That Makes Your Shorts & Pants Seem Well Written

By , 26 March, 2010, No Comment

Do you see the angry Christian to the left? Yes— he was one angry Christian.

Apparently there are a number of angry Christians. They are so very angry that it appears the ability to write things has just gone out the window. Dear God— they know not what they do. Therefore we mustn’t blame them for the following, repetitive, grammatical mistakes.

It would be one thing to just talk about what was tipped to us, but that’s not even possible when you consider the following. The great James Delingpolem shall explain:

“I’ve seen America’s future because what is happening in America now has been happening in Britain for at least the last 12 years,” Delingpolem said. “I’ve seen my country pretty much ruined by what is essentially a socialist administration, presented by this plausible likable guy (former Prime Minister Tony Blair).

Your humble Editor has never been a fan of the “Christian Broadcasting Network.” After all, any place that Pat Robertson resides is allegedly steeped in hell-fire. Therefore it brings us great joy to talk about a horrible PLANT. Yes, dear readers, a PLANT. It is a PLANT by Britain to watch citizens closely and all of that (or is it? ONLY CBN KNOWS!)

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By , 25 March, 2010, No Comment

ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE BEGGING POSTS: Thank you so much for your continued support of Shorts & Pants. Your starving Editor very much appreciates the support, but we once again (yes it has been a month) have one of these financial issues to take on. Your Editor loves you, readers. We will keep typing out words, on the Internet, for your hopeful amusement or disdain. That is up to you, but we REALLY NEED DONATIONS.

Thank you for reading this little website and have a wonderful day. And did you know George Washington was a filthy Socialist? Neither did we. But at least we all know now.

Your hopeful support and ongoing love are truly admired. Thanks!

John Ensign Once Again Wins The Infamous Shorts & Pants Quote Of The Day Award

By , 25 March, 2010, 2 Comments

John Ensign has won many things. From his infamous love of banging loyal staffers to his new-found hate of the press, we are proud to once again concede our most treasured possession to his graceful words. Yes, dear people, John Ensign has once again won the Shorts & Pants Quote of the Day Award.

Previously John had won with this statement:

Ensign has denied any wrongdoing during the nine-month affair with Cindy Hampton, which lasted from December 2007 to August 2008.

Yes. Somebody who has an affair can indeed deny any wrongdoing. Amazing. But that’s not the point. Ensign has come out in stride with the following:

“Whether it’s Republican or Democrat, it’s about nailing somebody,” Ensign said. “So sometimes people look at something, and whether or not it’s true, they want to try to nail them on it.”

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Oh Jeebus Not Another Set Of Statistics

By , 25 March, 2010, 2 Comments

Alright… this is getting out of hand. As you can see from the “screen-grab” compiled by the “U.S. News and World Report,” we have all lost our minds. Anybody with any sense at all would run like hell after seeing such bile. If anyone who reads this site wishes to run away to China with the Editor, this would be the time to act. “Who is the worst President in history?”

“DAAAAAA BARACK NOBAMA!!11!’

“Good job, Timmy. Now see if you can count to 10.” C’mon people.

Statistics That Should Make You Proud

By , 25 March, 2010, 1 Comment

It’s Thursday, folks. And you know what Thursday means, right? Well, neither do we, but that’s beside the point. THERE IS A NEW HARRIS POLL, and we are posting it here, so there ya go.

If you’ve been reading this retarded website for a long time you may or may not have noticed that your Editor isn’t a fan of “polls.” Whether these are of a phallic or statistical variety. However, the one that was tipped to us is worth mention for the following reasons:

1. People actually believe what we are about to post here.
2. We are a Nation of dim-witted cretinous slobs.
3. See Items 1 and 2, above.

We’ll just go with the Republican train of thought:

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Can’t We All Just Get Along?

By , 24 March, 2010, 5 Comments

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS INAPPROPRIATE FOR ANYONE UNDER 120 YEARS OF AGE.

According to the linked article, we have no choice but to create a dialogue of what happened during the Israeli Consulate’s trip to Washington this week.

Then, minutes before Mr Netanyahu’s fence-mending visit to the White House on Tuesday, it emerged the Jerusalem municipal government had approved the building of 20 new apartments.

Mr Gibbs told reporters on Wednesday there were still areas of “disagreement” between the sides, following the two meetings in Washington, one of which was unscheduled.

And here is something to give you better context:

The Israeli prime minister delayed his departure from Washington on Wednesday to meet the US Middle East peace envoy, George Mitchell.

Okay. Here is what happened in Washington:

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What The Hell Does This Photo Indicate?

By , 24 March, 2010, No Comment

This photo (above) was sent to us by “Viyh.” It is horribly offensive. Yes— this is true. However, your Shorts & Pants wishes to inquire on how the fuck this thing came into existence in the first place? AND WE HAVE THE ANSWER.

African nations are putting these horrible things up all over the place to get people to leave. After all— less people means less exhaustion of resources, a lower unemployment rate and the like… but JEEBUS PEOPLE. Do we really need to advocate RAPE in a foreign country in order to draw people out of it? Yes. Africa is fucked. How’s that imperialism workin’ out for ya?

(Ed. Note: We don’t have a source for this. It just came to us by carrier pigeon randomly. Your Shorts & Pants takes a strong stance against violence of any kind— especially towards women. Finland is an exception to this rule according to some cultures. Who knew?)

Riding Out Our Impending Doom

By , 24 March, 2010, 2 Comments

Is your family in dire straights at the thought of slight changes to our Health Care system that really don’t effect you unless you make $250,000 a year or more? Are you cringing at the idea that these socialists will be giving huge bags of money to insurance companies in order for them to deny you benefits you should have in the first place? WELL MY FRIENDS— YOU NEED A BUNKER.

Yes. A bunker. Chascates sends word from the Huffington Post. With just a few hundred Moon Bucks (as that is what we will be using for currency in our post-apocalyptic American society) you too can enjoy knowing that the Devil Beasts wont get to you— just yet.

Even though it’s only a matter of time before you are consumed in God’s Fire, at least you can sit in a box and contemplate your inevitable end for just “that much longer.” We consider this to be an important development. Perhaps, if you’re Christian, you can sit there and say “I TOLD YOU SO” to all the Godless swine festering about who didn’t heed your call to “repent.” Even though the Book of Revelations clearly states that those who are “chosen” will be taken from this earth, you can do your very best to stick around as long as possible. Why not? You have every right to say to the God you worship, “YOU CAN’T HAVE ME YET, JEEBUS. KEEP TRYIN’.” But we digress.

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One Way To Settle Your Perceived Injustices

By , 24 March, 2010, 1 Comment

Why are Germans so insane? Your Shorts & Pants cannot figure out this particular truth, but it exists.

For instance— say you’re the victim of a $2.5 Million loss due to the mistakes of your former banker. Why not take matters into your own hands and settle the score in the way you see fit? That’s why the only way to handle a situation such as a great loss is to kidnap the bastard. There is simply no other way to handle such a sad thing.

The men tied Amburn up in a purpose-built container, in which they transported him to the boot of Roland K’s car. Along the way, they beat him up, breaking two ribs when he tried to flee during a stop. The group then brought him to the garage for questioning, during which they served him coffee and cake, and forced him to sign documents in which he promised to pay back the lost investments.

Why yes! Of course! Surely this will come without consequence. After all, it goes to show that kidnapping a banker shows true grit. Unfortunately they will have to deal with that damn thing called “the law” that dictates that taking vigilante justice against the man who raped you out of your money is apparently against the grain of society. We cannot judge them for their actions— but a distinguished Judge apparently will.

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