It has been a while since we last caught up with the one true Patriot, SkoalRebel.  Here is a clip of him just being a straight-up real fuckin’ ‘Murkin on the Hannity show.

Also, we must implore you to sign this petition to free SkoalRebel from whatever inhumane Muslim Commie Gulag that Obama has him tied up in.

It is the intent of this body to force Youtube, with pressure from the White House and the Obama Administration, to get skoalrebel back on the internet, and furthermore give him a studio from which to film his masterworks, and possibly an intern to show him how to use the green screen and upload 1080p to Youtube from his new Red One.

Do it now, lest America die in shame.

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While everyone is pooping their pants over Eric Massa’s shocking 24-hour, all-male tickle orgies, your Shorts&Pants can’t help but notice something that Glenn Beck–America’s Prince–let slip during his interview with Massa. It starts at about the 2 minute mark in the video above, where Beck says, to paraphrase:

“I groped male staffers, female staffers, I fondled a cat, and I will NOT FUCKING RESIGN, EVER.”

And that is that.

(Fox News)

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John McCain continues to defend known breeder Sarah Palin against the vicious attacks that she brings upon herself constantly.  Why would he bother defending the ridiculous cartoon character of a politician that caused him to lose an election to a black man with a terrorist-y name?  No clue.  Here’s what he said about Palin writing bullet points for her speech on her hand–which is what children do to cheat on tests before they discover the multitude of more effective ways to cheat.

“I guess it’s OK to use a teleprompter but not OK to write something on your hand,” McCain said during an appearance on Fox News.

That’s pretty much spot-on if you ignore the sarcasm.  Yes, it is totally okay for a politician to use a teleprompter, because they all do, but it is not okay to write notes on your hand, because you are a fucking adult and should be able to remember the, what, four words that you can manage to fit on your hand?

(The Hill)

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Yes, we know that there has been a woeful lack of activity at your S&P lately, and we aim to change that IMMEDIATELY.  As long as The Fox Nation has scoops like these to post, your S&P will dutifully let you in on what the Liberal, Jew Run Media does not want you to know, and also, too…!!!

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The man really does have one hell of a well-kept beard.  That’s really all we have to say about this.

(NYT)

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Mark Halperin is clearly using all that “Game Change” money to buy some pretty great weed, because he has apparently turned a pretty bland political speech into, like, the trippy-est episode of “Yo Gabba Gabba” ever.

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VERY IMPORTANT THING THAT YOU MUST DO: Your Shorts & Pants has slaved over our typing machines for years now (what, has it been 50 years of S&P already?  time flies).  Your humble editors “Halden” and “Dana” are both fans of things such as “music.”  This is why I must implore you beautiful S&P readers to follow THIS LINK and vote for “DANA” to win two free tickets to the Coachella music thingy, in the desert, in California.  And don’t worry, “Halden” will also get his cut of our sweet sweet winnings.

So, as I said, nay BEGGED, please go to THIS WEBSITE and vote for “DANA” in the comments.  You can also say other things, like trucknutz, or whatever.

(THIS WEBSITE)

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EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT: Make sure you order your copy of the official Pro-Life Celebrity Death Match video game, today!  (Note:  Sarah Palin has a huge advantage as her character comes complete with a high-powered rifle and helicopter.)

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Here at Shorts&Pants we wholeheartedly endorse underage drinking and indiscriminate drug use.  Having said that, THE PALIN FAMILY IS OUT OF CONTROL.

• 15-Year old Willow Palin was caught at a wild teenage party, “involving drinking, beer pong, loud music and property destruction, held at the old residence of one of Palin’s buddies who had earlier broken into the house.”  We’re told by an anonymous source that there was also a severe lack of Christian values at this party.
• Sarah Palin’s oldest son, Track, is reportedly addicted to Oxycontin, probably because he’s bitter about his stupid name.
• Bristol Palin — the one who birthed a human child — claims, “I’m not going to have sex until I’m married…I can guarantee it.”

The only Palin that really has his shit together is Trig, who is just keeping a low profile, waiting for the heat to die down before he starts moving coke again.

(Huffington Post)

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From the comments:

• Neckcarjim: “I feel bad for the people of Hatia but untill I see Obama get off his wallet and donates some of his Nobel Peace Price money or Al Gore sends some of the billion that he has made off of Global warming this American will not be sending one dime too Hatia.
  Hatia has one of the most corrupt governments in the region and I will not be sending moeny so that the President can build a new Presidential Palace.
  You have to love progressives they are real good at handing out someone elses money.”

And that is what the Fox Nation accomplished today.

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The creepy gentleman pictured here is Michael Moriarty, who is apparently an actor of the “Big Hollywood” variety–which is to say that you have never heard of him.  But today–luckily for us–Mr. Moriarty decided to combine his hatred for the Communist Takeover of America with his ability to type words into the internet.  Bravely, he took to Andrew Breitbart’s “Big Hollywood” blog, completely disregarding his nominal understanding of grammar, syntax and vocabulary, as well as his tenuous relationship with what a lesser man might call “reality.”

Without spending too much time slogging through this thing trying to figure it out (which is pointless–I tried), let’s take a look at some of Mr. Moriarty’s more interesting points, and then we’ll have a delightful screening of some of his on-screen work (which is fucking amazing, for reals).  This should be fun.

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No domestic attacks under Bush??  Really, Rudy???  Don’t you even remember 9/11?  We know you do.  It was that thing that made you famous for being a make-believe hero.  At least now we know for sure exactly how drunk Rudy Giuliani needs to be to forget to bring up 9/11 when someone puts him on camera.

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GUZZA-HUUHHH??????

As always with the Patriots of the Fox Nation, the comments are absolutely spot-on.  Here’s a taste:

• DESTROY THE LEFT: “Everyone in Obama’s family is a half breed.”

(Fox Nation)

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Rudy Giuliani, America’s most evil human, will not be running for any public office in 2010.  This is bad news for nobody.  Giuliani, who you may remember from such terrorist attacks as 9/11 (which was his career’s highest point), is literally a styrofoam cup filled with excrement, and we can only hope that he will disappear into some kind of hole from which he cannot be seen or heard.  Unfortunately this is unlikely, and Rudy Giuliani will probably continue to serve in his role as our country’s foremost terrorist–just annoying the shit out of everybody while endlessly patting himself on the back, because of 9/11, which is a thing that happened near him.  Truly a terrible man.  Seriously.

(Reuters)

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THIS IS THE WAY THAT YOU WIN AN ARGUMENT BECAUSE WHEN YOU TALK LIKE THIS YOU DEFEAT ALL OF YOUR DETRACTORS IN THE NAME OF AMERICA PRAISE CHRIST ALL OF OUR ENEMIES WILL BE CRUSHED BY THE SEVERITY OF OUR SPEECH AND ALSO ABOUT HEALTH CARE TOO!!!

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What are you people doing to kill time before glorious American Football quenches your insatiable thirst for violence?  If you answered “meuhnngg?” I have a suggestion.  This little VBS documentary is pretty old but maybe i’ts Nooz2Yooz, if you like.  Anyway, it’s good and it’s about Afghanistan, which is that place in the middle of nowhere that our country is occupying for reasons too complex to actually be reasons.  Enjoy!

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