Posts by AustinJunkie

Is You Is Or Is You Ain’t An Ignorant Dumbshit

By AustinJunkie, 12 March, 2010, 1 Comment

The fine folks who brought intelligent design and Christian Founding Fathers to Texas school textbooks are back for a second round of stupid.

This time they’ve voted to give a conservative cast to the teaching of history and economics, thus ensuring the ignorance and reactionary-ness (heh) of the next generation of rednecks and hicks.

“They are going overboard, they are not experts, they are not historians,” complained fruit-whipped little fairy and crybaby Mary Helen Berlanga, who is nevertheless one of the few sane people on the Texas School Board.

A final vote, a rubberstamping, will take place in May, but consider it done that for the next ten years, at least, Texas schoolchilluns will be dumb, deaf and blind, at least insofar as the actual history of the world is concerned.

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You Know What They Say About the Greeks

By AustinJunkie, 11 March, 2010, 9 Comments

We should all be so lucky as to live in Greece, what with the Mediterranean weather, the beautiful islands and the ancient history.

Oh sure, they’ve hit a few bumps in the road lately, and their fellow €Euro countries want to throw them to the dogs, with nobody willing to help unless the government lines up all public sector workers and shoots them at dawn.

But before the killing begins, consider this — the Greek government classifies 580 jobs as hazardous to health and so allows women to retire from these jobs at 50 and men at 55. How sweet is that?

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Yes, Time is of the Essence

By AustinJunkie, 8 March, 2010, No Comment

Everyone’s favorite right-wing, warmongering Nobel Peace Prize president, Barack HUSSEIN Obama, doesn’t want anyone to think that health care reform isn’t a priority for his administration. Today’s New York Times headline says it all:

Obama Warns Democrats of Urgency of Health Bill

Yes. Only 13+ months into his presidency, after 13+ months of “debate” on health care reform, after letting Max Baucus highjack and delay, after inserting into the bill sop after sop to the Republicans who will never in a million years vote for this abortion wrapped in a turd, after proving that when a Republican says “boo” he runs to hide behind his mommy, after generally fucking up everything he touches, the anti-Midas now thinks it’s “urgent” that Democrats pass the remaining pieces of the biggest giveaway to insurance companies since, well, since the last big giveaway to the insurance companies (W’s prescription drug “benefit.”)

Whatever, dude. You guys are fucking toast in November. Say hello to President Rick Perry.

I Thought That Was the Other Daughter

By AustinJunkie, 5 March, 2010, 2 Comments

You might think Wolf Blitzer is a leprechaun. We won’t try to dissuade you from that belief. But we must alert you to the ongoing conspiracy between Wolfie and seriously-I’m-not-a-lesbian Liz Cheney to smear all government officials who might even think about not executing accused terrorists immediately (but only after torturing them.)

Liz can’t fool Shorts&Pants. No sirree. Try as she might to convince the world that she’s really really not a lesbian, what with her being married and her having kids and her generally slobbing any knob you put in front of her face, no amount of warmongering or race-baiting is going to convince us, no matter how many times she shaves her father’s back while masturbating.

Because, as we all know, real lesbians love war, torture and race-baiting. They’re all white, privileged brainless twats with an obscene sense of entitlement. And they love Dick Cheney. So much so, in fact, that incest with their father, if he were Dick Cheney, wouldn’t be out of the question. Nor would wondering if her kids are really her husband’s — or her father’s.

So keep it up, Liz. Keep fightin’ the good fight. We all know that, deep down, you’re really a sweet, loving patriot who is appalled at the downward slide God’s America has taken since your father took his sledgehammer to the constitution, lo these many years ago. It’s almost like that song from South Pacific was written specifically for you:

Gayer than laughter, are you
Sweeter than music, are you
Angel and lover, heaven and earth
Are you to…us

You’re Nobody ’til Somebody Pets Your Hair

By AustinJunkie, 4 March, 2010, 3 Comments

Every Texan’s favorite dumbass, Governor Rick Perry, barely made it over the first hurdle toward re-election Tuesday.

The potential Republican presidential candidate, who would be a worthy successor to the equally intellectually-challenged George W. Bush, had his secessionary thunder stolen by certified crazy woman and teabagger Debra Medina, who managed to win 18.5% of the vote, leaving the supposedly universally popular Perry with barely enough (51%) to avoid a runoff.

Also failing was Texas Senator Kay Baily Hutchison, who for some reason thought her big hair would win out over Perry’s big hair.

The difference, as Kaybay discovered, is not in the hair. It’s in other people’s hair. Nobody pets another man’s hair like Rick Perry.

And creepy Governor Hairpetter has a good a shot as anyone to replace right-wing warmonger Barack Obama in 2012.

You know the old saying — same shit, different pile.

We’ve Lost Our Boner

By AustinJunkie, 28 February, 2010, No Comment

Sometimes we lose track of the really important things in life. We become so focused on the trivial details of our existence that we lose sight of what really matters. And then something smacks us upside the head, gives us some perspective, and reminds us of the precious fragility of life.

Amidst the celebration of winter athletes, the struggle over health care reform and the surge in Afghanistan that’s killing more civilians than “”terrorists,” emerges a story of the sad end to a life that began with such promise.

You’ve all no doubt heard the news by now, so there’s no need to go into detail. Andrew Koenig has shuffled off this mortal coil and slipped the surly bonds of earth.

We all grew up wanting to be Boner in Growing Pains. Oh sure, Kirk Cameron’s character Mike was the pretty one, but everyone knew he was just the flaccid boy to Boner’s man.

Occasionally derided by unknowing critics as wooden and stiff, deep inside the tumescent Boner raged. He was the heart of show, the one who made Growing Pains such compelling and groundbreaking television, paving the way for more successful, but ultimately derivative, comedies of the ’90s like Seinfeld, Cheers and Friends.

So today we say farewell to Andrew Koenig — a man who gave us so much pleasure but who, in the end, was simply too soft for this hard world.

Goodbye, Boner.

Roll Over and Play Dead

By AustinJunkie, 25 February, 2010, 2 Comments

Speaking of pointless compromise, while everyone’s attention is diverted by the health care circus, President Obama — who doesn’t begrudge his obscenely rich criminal banker buddies their “success or wealth” because “that is part of the free- market system,” where they keep the profits and we pay for the losses — is busy backtracking on another campaign promise.

Or stabbing his deluded supporters in the back. Whatever.

This time it’s financial industry regulation. Rather than create an “independent consumer regulator,” banking industry hostage and corrupt criminal Timmy Geithner, at the direction of our Goldman Sachs-appointed president, is once again giving away the store in negotiations with Republicans in debate over new financial industry regulation.

Because if you compromise enough then the Republicans are sure to join in and vote for the final bill.

By the time they’re finished looting the US treasury, we’ll have given the looters, whose gambling will ensure penury for the golden years of millions of Americans, over $20 trillion (from which Goldman Sachs paid out $23 billion in bonuses in December.) So there’s obviously no need to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

After all, Goldman Sachs is doing God’s work. If by God’s work you mean arbitrarily killing millions of people in (un)natural disasters.

The third world is just around the corner.

Republicans Want You to Die Quickly, Democrats Just Want You to Die

By AustinJunkie, 25 February, 2010, 2 Comments

The pointless health care summit, where Republicans grandstand and lie and Democrats obfuscate and dissemble, is currently polluting the airwaves of virginal CSPAN.

Shorts&Pants can barely suppress a yawn as the worthies in Washington decide who lives and who dies based on who’s having a temper tantrum today.

But don’t fret, President Bipartisan will be performing his soft shoe shuffle, blathering on about “honest disagreements,” ceding ground to people who wouldn’t vote for health care reform if it included a provision to murder all the poor people and feed them to the Chinese.

Which is probably the next thing the president will propose. Stay tuned.

War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Gates is Jackass

By AustinJunkie, 23 February, 2010, 7 Comments

Mean old man and willing child-killer Bob Gates, leader of the pointless American war effort in Afghanistan as US Defense secretary, metaphorically spanked those crybaby anti-war Europeans today, criticizing them for not fully embracing the blowback and endless death which the war on “terror” has visited upon those foolish enough to attempt to subjugate the same people who sent the Soviets back home with their tails between their legs.

“The demilitarization of Europe — where large swaths of the general public and political class are averse to military force and the risks that go with it — has gone from a blessing in the 20th century to an impediment to achieving real security and lasting peace in the 21st.”

So the peace-loving Europeans need to go back to their historical war-making ways in order to “achieve peace.”

Gates should probably not run this by a logician.

Summoning his inner Orwell, Gates excoriated Europe’s pussy, lily-livered, fruit-whipped little fairies who claim to be America’s allies but won’t commit whole-heartedly to a financially-crippling war in the midst of the worst economic downturn since the 1930s.

Instead of recognizing this salient fact, Gates instead chose to pretend that the only relevant issue is Europe’s’ bizarre aversion to total war. You’d think a continent that saw two devastating wars costing 100 million lives in the last century would be totally up for another round.

That Didn’t Take Long

By AustinJunkie, 23 February, 2010, 3 Comments

Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts took less than a month to go from hero to zero. The truck-drivin’ super maverick people’s candidate, whose election teabaggers expected to usher in the new anti-government revolution, has instead turned around and stabbed his loyal followers in the back by (gasp!) voting with the Democrats on a jobs bill.

Because as everyone knows the highest priority for any legislator is not to get the people back to work and turn around this 2nd Great Depression, but rather to stick their heads in the sand and show their dirty butts to President Obama.

I’m going to assume a recall petition drive is already under way as Massachusettsovians suddenly remember the late Ted Kennedy wasn’t so bad after all.

This Hurts Them More Than It Hurts You

By AustinJunkie, 22 February, 2010, 7 Comments

I hope you communists out there are happy.

All your crybabying about health insurance and how expensive it is and how you got denied coverage for your “cancer” or your “pre-existing condition” (why are you always getting sick?) has resulted in the worst kind of news for the insurance companies.

After an absolutely horrible 2008, when the profits of the five largest health insurance companies amounted to only $7.8 billion, 2009 wasn’t much better. Only $4.4 billion better, or an increase of 56%.

Have you ever tried to live on 56% more money than you got last year?

Well have you?

You horrible people are always going on about how America should be a caring nation, a country that takes care of its own, a place that boasts the greatest health care system in the world.

Yet, profits were so low last year that these same five companies had to relieve 2.7 million Americans of their health insurance.

How do you think that makes them feel?

The Next Communist Revolution

By AustinJunkie, 22 February, 2010, 4 Comments

The New York Times tells us that 6.3 million Americans have been unemployed for six months or longer, the largest number since the gubmint started caring about such things in 1948.

In the 1990s, radical leftist Bill Clinton, succumbing to pressure from racist Republicans, signed legislation encouraging states to impose time limits on welfare in an attempt to force lazy work-shy (black) people back to work.

Problem is, recovery from the 2001 recession was a jobless recovery, with the resulting economic expansion not coming close to creating enough new jobs for all those rendered redundant during the downturn.

And we can expect the same, only worse, whenever recovery from the current, bank-inspired depression begins. So millions of the less educated and older people who lost their jobs through no fault of their own can expect to never find another job before they die, of exposure, homeless, penniless, forgotten.

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Who Will Protect Us From White People of European Heritage?

By AustinJunkie, 19 February, 2010, 4 Comments

Our hero, Chris Floyd, over at Empire Burlesque, implores Homeland Security to protect God’s America from the new wave of terror sweeping across our spacious skies and purple waves of grain. It’s worth quoting the good man at length:

I urge the Department of Homeland Security to immediately institute stringent new visa requirements for all white people of European heritage who come from countries where there is likely to be anger about American policies. We cannot afford to let people like that into this country — and if they are already here, we must remove them.

Of course, most angry white people of European heritage will not go so far as to commit acts of terrorism. And it is indeed unfortunate that some innocent white people of European heritage might be caught up in the security net. But as long as there is even a one percent chance that someone like that might commit an act of terrorism, we must make the tough choices and act decisively, without worrying about “political correctness.”

Hear hear! Who will relieve us of our white man’s burden?

That Sash Makes You Look Purty

By AustinJunkie, 19 February, 2010, 8 Comments

Our inside operative at CPAC reports this guy was one of the totally-not-gay-at-all rednecks who verbally assaulted Rachel Maddow with homophobic comments yesterday. We’re sure his mommy is proud!

Other news from our secret CPAC infiltrator?

“john ashcroft is taking the stage. rolling out the fallen heroes.

also, just passed michelle bachman in the hallway. she’s tiny, wiry, like a feral cat.

redstate happy hour later!”

Is That a Gun in Your Pants or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

By AustinJunkie, 19 February, 2010, 2 Comments

Everyone knows the Constitution of God’s America guarantees us the right to own an automatic rifle capable of removing the target’s head at 100 meters. And it’s nice to see the gun fetishists have a table at CPAC. Click on the pic for the supersized version.

CPAC Stickies

By AustinJunkie, 19 February, 2010, 2 Comments

The southern United States would be nothing without its bumper stickers. It’s almost too bad that most of them can’t actually read. There’s probably a guy with an 8th grade education at the table interpreting for the interested. Click on the pic for the supersized version.

Terror Takes Over TV

By AustinJunkie, 18 February, 2010, 4 Comments

Your Shorts&Pants correspondent lives in America’s newest Town of Terror, Austin, Texas.

Today some pissed off clown here set his house on fire, climbed into his toy airplane and crashed it into the local IRS office.

S&P believes dead man Andrew Joseph Stack suffered from a tiny penis.

While S&P deplores acts of violence perpetrated by crazed, right-wing nutburgers, what really chaps our hide is that the local NBC affiliate spent all fucking day covering this not-terribly-impressive self-immolation — instead of showing the Winter Olympics.

More evidence that God’s America is going to hell in a handbasket. Priorities, people!

CPAC, Man

By AustinJunkie, 18 February, 2010, 2 Comments

Your Shorts&Pants correspondent can’t attend the CPAC convention this week in DC because he’s allergic to assholes. However, S&P does have a secret infiltrator attending who sent along two never-before-seen photos from inside the house of hate.

The first is some guy speaking, possibly Scott Brown. Anyway, a very important guy. Standing amidst about 400,000 American flags. The topic of his speech? “How best to extract and drink the blood of newborn babies.” Probably.

The second features two cardboard cutouts of Reaganus Maximus, patron saint of the icon-starved right wingnut crowd. Click on either picture for the supersized version.

S&P’s secret operative has already seen Liz Cheney (hubba hubba) speak, laid eyes on breaking & entering expert James O’Keefe, witnessed Dick Armey using a teleprompter (the horror) and managed to wangle Erick Erickson’s phone number from the man himself.

Shorts&Pants will sell that phone number to the highest bidder (somebody or something’s gotta pay my salary.) Bid now — time is running out!

UPDATE: Our secret infiltrator at CPAC has spied the Wonkette Goddess among the teabag tribe: “i saw ana marie cox today, she has big boobs and butt.”

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