Oscar Goodman is a man that many have heard nothing about. He is a warrior, scholar, and proud alcoholic. Therefore, we are delighted to share with you, dear readers, that Goodman is running for Governor of Nevada. This gives us great joy.

Nevada is known for many things — most of them vices — which is why Goodman is such a good fit. Luckily he currently leads the pack with 41% of the vote. Once again, this brings us great joy.

We must focus on his accomplishments:

1. He told a fourth-grade assembly that his favorite hobby was “drinking” and that he would take showgirls to a desert island instead of his wife.

You probably don’t have the integrity to tell a group of 10 year old students that drinking is THE BOMB, do you? Oscar Goodman does, however. He is truly an American hero.

2. He told the Philadelphia Inquirer: “I envision making my announcement to run for governor with showgirls on my arm. If they don’t like it, they can vote for someone else. And if I’m governor, I’ll cavort with showgirls and I’ll keep drinking my gin and betting on anything that moves. I won’t change!”

Indeed, this is another telling sign of why he is fit to lead. Every man deserves to have showgirls hanging off his arm during the course of all matters of business, whether professional or personal. Hopefully this will be the focus of the “new Nevada.” Men may starve, but they will always have a constant onslaught of scantily dressed ladies on the arm. This will not only save the economy, but probably the entire world.

Elect Oscar Goodman.

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