Hey, remember in 2000 and 2004 when the GOP Presidential candidate won fewer popular votes than his Democratic rivals, but through chicanery and Supreme Court chit-calling syphoned electoral college votes and became the President anyway?

Well, now the GOP has once again decided the best way to win political office in the future is to earn fewer votes. On the heels of the decisive victory in NY-23’s special election – in which GOP conservatives like Erick Redstate and Rush Limbaugh were thrilled to defeat a Republican who failed their personal litmus test, by electing a Democrat – some within the Republican braintrust are militating to roll that same program out nationally. In time for 2010 and beyond.

Here’s the skinny on the secret plot in which the GOP steals the Jonas Brothers’ purity ring shtick:

Yes, what celebrity endorsers Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Mike Huckabee, Tim Pawlenty, Steve Forbes, George Pataki, Newt Gingrich, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity did for Doug “The Dud” Hoffman (one of the few candidates in history who found it necessary to concede the same election twice!) they may now do for other anti-GOP candidates and the Republicans they oppose. It’s diabolical, we tell you!

GOP unter-mensch James Bopp has floated a concept that is getting much praise from within ever-diminishing Republican circles. Under Herr Bopp’s formula, if GOP candidates hope to receive money and campaign worker support from GOP Central, they must be uber-Rightists who meet at least eight of ten fairly arbitrary tenets in the GOP belief system. A mere seven out of ten, is not good enough, and the unworthy candidate is either cut off from funding and/or excommunicated from the sect when the GOP throws its weight behind somebody more appropriately retarded. Like Doug Hoffman.

The math geniuses who constructed the current fiscal clusterfuck have now turned their mastery of all things numerical to the issue of winning the forthcoming elections. They realize the best way to enhance their chances is to make it harder for voters to become members of a party that fewer people now wish to join. And to field candidates for whom fewer voters wish to vote. It’s not enough to merely garner enough votes to win elections; the candidates – and the people whose votes are cast for them – must all meet with the party’s approval.

With one in five voters now self-identifying as Republican, the GOP has decided it can afford to alienate even more voters by asking them to votes for candidates and positions that are even more voter-repelling. Michael Steele is now proudly brandishing the brand-new marketing slogan: “Join The New GOP, Now Even MORE Retarded!”

Critics have complained that this party – that once sought only to represent the common wo/man – is growing too exclusive and elitist in its quest for ideological purity. Not so says famed criminal fuckup Dick Armey, ring-leader of those who opposed but failed to stop Obama’s looming Death Panel victory:

It’s a very reasonable thing to say if you want the support of the Republican Party, demonstrate some allegiance to the primary positions taken by the party. That’s not a litmus test. That’s just saying if you want us to give you our money, our support, our troops in the field, our endorsements, then demonstrate that you’re someone like us.

Hell, yes! If you want GOP money and support and endorsements like Doug Hoffman received, you really should demonstrate you’re capable of losing elections. And preferably, like Doug The Dud, able to concede defeat more than once in the same election. But know this going into your electoral contest, Bubba: it’s not enough to simply lose the election; you’ve got to lose it up to the Aryan standard set by GOP HQ.

It’s solid common-sense reasoning like Armey’s that’ll have fewer than one voter in ten self-identifying as GOP by November ‘10. At this rate, by 2012 the “New” GOP will be able to compete toe to toe with Democratic Presidential candidate Lyndon Larouche. And perhaps even beat him.

Of course, there’s already pushback against the mere idiots from the idiot savants whom the purity tests are designed to purge from the party: people still capable of some form of thought. For example, idiot savant Kathleen Parker who committed the heresy of acknowledging Sarah Palin is only an idiot, has concluded this new marketing push of ideological purity is a suicide pact:

James Bopp Jr., chief sponsor of the resolution and a committee member from Indiana, has said that “the problem is that many conservatives have lost trust in the conservative credentials of the Republican Party.”

Actually, no, the problem is that many conservatives have lost faith in the ability of Republican leaders to think. The resolutions aren’t so much statements of principle as dogmatic responses to complex issues that may, occasionally, require more than a Sharpie check in a little square.

Oooooh, SNAP!!! But in today’s GOP, a Bible Spice with no brain but a Sharpie with the right dowsing ability beats an already-dead-to-us Kathleen Parker, hands-down. In the same way that Rush Limbaugh’s GOP would rather have Doug Hoffman than Colin Powell. Because Hoffman has a discriminating Sharpie, and Powell has only a chest full of medals and a life’s worth of experience. Not enough for this Armey’s Army, jack!

Why, even Charles Johnson of Little Green Footballs (!!!!) fame has withdrawn from the lunatic cabal in a fit of high dudgeon.  Why?  Apparently he doesn’t wish to remain part of a club that would have somebody even crazier than him for a member.  Here’s his list of ten points:

1. Support for fascists, both in America (see: Pat Buchanan, Robert Stacy McCain, etc.) and in Europe (see: Vlaams Belang, BNP, SIOE, Pat Buchanan, etc.)

2. Support for bigotry, hatred, and white supremacism (see: Pat Buchanan, Ann Coulter, Robert Stacy McCain, Lew Rockwell, etc.)

3. Support for throwing women back into the Dark Ages, and general religious fanaticism (see: Operation Rescue, anti-abortion groups, James Dobson, Pat Robertson, Tony Perkins, the entire religious right, etc.)

4. Support for anti-science bad craziness (see: creationism, climate change denialism, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, James Inhofe, etc.)

5. Support for homophobic bigotry (see: Sarah Palin, Dobson, the entire religious right, etc.)

6. Support for anti-government lunacy (see: tea parties, militias, Fox News, Glenn Beck, etc.)

7. Support for conspiracy theories and hate speech (see: Alex Jones, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Birthers, creationists, climate deniers, etc.)

8. A right-wing blogosphere that is almost universally dominated by raging hate speech (see: Hot Air, Free Republic, Ace of Spades, etc.)

9. Anti-Islamic bigotry that goes far beyond simply criticizing radical Islam, into support for fascism, violence, and genocide (see: Pamela Geller, Robert Spencer, etc.)

10. Hatred for President Obama that goes far beyond simply criticizing his policies, into racism, hate speech, and bizarre conspiracy theories (see: witch doctor pictures, tea parties, Birthers, Michelle Malkin, Fox News, World Net Daily, Newsmax, and every other right wing source)

Wow, Comrade Johnson… way to denounce the heretics.  And without even being sent to one of Obama’s re-education camps.   

The good news is that the impatient among us will not have to wait until 2012 for the planet’s ultimate destruction. That’ll take place much sooner….. on the day that all the Reagan fellaters realize St. Ronnie couldn’t pass the current GOP purity test. The implosion of that many heads simultaneously will render the Hadron Collider obsolete and cause the world to evaporate into a black hole the size of a pinhead.

Named James Bopp.

Hale Bopp spelled death for only a few loonies. James Bopp could mean death for us all.

The Taser of Wisdom is no math genius, but knows that one cannot divide and conquer by subtracting and calling it multiplication.

(Sparky Satori encourages everyone to ignore James Bopp and listen to Andy Bopp instead.)

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