As you sit down to Thanksgiving dinner with family, friends or your collection of blow-up sex dolls inflated and arranged in chairs around the table, be sure to do one thing the United States Secret Service didn’t do at President Obama’s first official state dinner Tuesday night — make sure everyone in attendance is on the guest list.

This will save you the mortifying embarrassment of having a couple in the mold of Balloon Boy’s parents, aspiring reality TV stars (is aspire the right word here?) Tareq and Michaele Salahi, crash your tofurduckenhamkey festivities.

These two skin-crawlingly gauche polo-playing pranksters managed to walk through 612 layers of security at THE FUCKING WHITE HOUSE Tuesday evening where, to the great relief of the 80% of the country who don’t daily pray for the president’s demise, they did nothing more than smell their own farts and pose for photos with Vice-President Joe Biden to document this tremendous breach of security. And apparently they aren’t too worried about pissing off the Secret Service, because they posted these photos on their Facebook page.

So please include the SS agents working the White House Tuesday night in your prayers today, because by now they must surely be unemployed and blacklisted, if not eating gruel from a bug-infested broken pie plate in a CIA-run secret prison, wondering when the next waterboarding session begins. Maybe Homeland Security’s decision to promote the former Pizza Hut employees working airport security for the TSA wasn’t such a good idea after all.

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