Lost amid the cacophony of war on two fronts, our president’s historic fusion of two ideologically opposed political systems — communism & fascism — and the debate over how much to charge for a license to murder a homeless person in the new health care bill, has been the secret and successful plan by the Frankenstein genetics company Genentech to replace members of Congress with malleable clones easily manipulated to parrot the politics of Genentech’s parent company,Tynacorp, and its allies.
This marks a brave new turning point in the history of Congressional corruption. In the past, members of Congress were controlled, rather predictably, by enormous wads of cash and an unending stream of underage boys. These days, with saturation media coverage of politics and the Google able to tell us what type of underwear President Clinton wore during trysts with Monica Lewinsky (an early model Genentech clone, the Chubby Chaser 3000,) those wishing to bend Congress to their will have resorted to more high-tech means of getting what they want.
Shorts & Pants can reveal that clones designed by Genentech, one of the world’s largest biotechnology companies and subsidiary of Tynacorp, makers of Towelie the marijuana-smoking talking towel, recently made their presence felt across both parties during the debate on less deadly and more profitable sections of the health care bill. Forty-two House members, 22 Republicans and 20 Democrats, entered statements into the Congressional Record supporting particular sections of the health care bill.
“Democrats emphasized the bill’s potential to create jobs in health care, health information technology and clinical research on new drugs. Republicans opposed the bill, but praised a provision that would give the Food and Drug Administration the authority to approve generic versions of expensive biotechnology drugs, along the lines favored by brand-name companies like Genentech.”
As every red-blooded American can attest, Democrats and Republicans can’t agree on anything. For example, Republicans know that only tax cuts and a direct financial siphon from the Treasury Department to Goldman Sachs will bring our country out of its current depression. Democrats, who are all not-so-secret Communists, know the only way to solve our economic problems is to systematically murder the rich, nationalize industry and give everyone on welfare a guaranteed income of $10,000/month.
So when, out of the blue, 20+ members of both parties in Congress spoke last week, almost to a word, in support of the same parts of the health care bill, eyebrows were raised across Washington, DC. And your Shorts & Pants investigative team, at no little cost to life and limb, has uncovered the horrifying future that will soon turn Congress into a Towelie Army responsible, not to the American people, but rather to the dark vision of Arthur D. Levinson and Swiss drug maker Roche.
When confronted with the eerily similar language employed by these 42 cloned members of Congress to support Genentech’s sinister plans for high-tech job retention, a man looking suspiciously like Representative Bill Pascrell Jr., Democrat of New Jersey, attempted to address the issue: “I regret that the language was the same. I did not know it was. I regret that the language was the same. I did not know it was. I regret that the language was the same. I did not know it was…” This went on for nearly 45 minutes. An aide was finally summoned to kick the Congressman in the balls (reset button,) but the secret was out.
Genentech’s pilot program completed its successful trial last week, as a glance at the Congressional Record shows. And while the results of this test were fairly benign and will probably result in nothing more sinister than the retention, stateside, of a few hundred high-tech jobs, Genentech’s future plans for the Distopic States of America should make your blood curdle. We can’t reveal those plans, as we prefer to remain among the living. But the next time you hear the same words coming from the mouths of both Joe Wilson and Dennis Kucinich, you’ll know the takeover of America by Swiss hot chocolate fanatics is complete.
In the future lobbyists will be able to post directly to the Congressional Record and then add their bitches names to it.
I was going to write my Congressman about this but then I got high.
Don’t besmirch Dennis Kucinich’s good name. In fact, if you go to his website, he bashes Genentech and Roche. There are few other members of Congress who so freely hand out kettle corn and hugs.
@Brendan M.: You are correct, yes. Kucinich is a Real American Hero. Especially compared to his excrement-in-human-form colleagues.