Once upon a time, Newt Gingrich was “a politician who in his private life [was] a seriously religious man but who [did] not make religious belief an upfront part of his political platform.” Well, thank the fuckin’ Lord those days are over!

Neut has apparently decided that his chances of becoming the Republican nominee for president are as slim as the those of Neut’s wife not being cheated on, by Neut, unless he starts banging the drum for The Lard and wearing his faith in Jesus on his sleeve.

And not only is Neut now a card-carrying member of the Jesus Brigade, he’s on a crusade to convince the world that Jesus caused the Berlin Wall and communism to crumble.  He even bored the pants off his acolytes Monday night by fatuously mumbling a speech he called “The Victory of the Cross: How Spiritual Renewal Helped Topple the Berlin Wall.” Yawn, right?

Well, just as his audience was falling asleep, Patriotic Neut gave them a vision of God’s America. God has revealed to Neut a future America bursting with Jesus, protoplasm and rhinoceri. They probably didn’t have a clue what he was on about, but…but…protoplasm!

“I believe the most important question in the United States for the next decade is: ‘Who are we?’ Are we in fact a people who claim that we are endowed by our creator with certain unalienable rights?” Or, are we “just randomly gathered protoplasm — and lucky for us we’re not rhinoceroses — but that in the end our power is defined by politicians and their appointees? Once you decide on this, almost everything else gets easier.”

Lucky for us! Or maybe we all file down our horn each morning, like Hell Boy, but then just as quickly forget it ever happened. See, we could actually be rhinoceroses and not even know it. Or worse, we could be randomly-gathered protoplasm, like the jizz on Neut’s chin after servicing a Congressional page.

Now, those of you more mean-spirited than me may be thinking “hey, didn’t Neut serve one of his ex-wives with divorce papers while she was hospitalized with cancer, and wasn’t he cheating on another wife while pressing for President Clinton’s impeachment over a blowjob?” Well sure, be like that. Neut will see you in hell for not forgiving him his sins. Who hasn’t dumped a chick with a cancer, when your secretary is way hotter and giving you hummers every day at work? Let you who is without this rather venial sin cast your first stones.

Newt Gingrich believes in God, Jesus and all that other stuff, probably. Who cares? So long as the gullible, racist clowns constituting the base of the Republican Party believe that Neut believes, that’s all that matters. Just don’t tell them that Neut recently became a Catholic. The Klan hates Catholics.

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