Hi ho! How’s everyone doing today? I thought I might have caught a bit of the swine flu, but it’s only allergies! I think! Oink, oink!

Speaking of pigs, let’s see what Shelley Malkin is up to today. What? What’s that you say, Shelley? Did you say, through the mouthpiece of one of your “staff writers,” that Barack Obama set up his New York photo shoot to freak out New Yorkers still living in the shadow of 9/11? You did? How great!

In a recent post on Shelley’s website, SelfLoathingIgnorantPrincess.com, some guy named Doug Powers wonders who exactly President Obama THINKS HE IS for organizing a photo shoot of a low-flying plane near the Statue of Liberty, even though Obama himself hadn’t actually organized the photo shoot and even though it had been cleared through the FAA and all other pertinent federal and local government offices and officials beforehand. None of that matters to Doug, of course, because WE ARE ALL NEW YORKERS 9/11 NEVER FORGET.

Like most of Shelley’s posts—whether they be written by Shelley or by one of her white slaves—this one is an ice-cream sundae made up of angry, sarcastic bitchiness and sprinkled with the jimmies of evil; a diatribe written on the papyrus of Sodom with the Crayola of…of…

Wait. Hang on a second. Just wait. Did you notice something strange about this post? Look at the screen grab to the right. Jesus, judging by the size of that blockquote, maybe Michelle Malkin is the new “Gray Lady”! (Har, har!)

Even though I was an English major, I think it’s time to do some math. Hang on while I copy and paste the whole thing into a Word document.

(Pause…)

Okay. Now let’s use the “Word Count” feature to see how many words are in the entire post. GO HAL!

Hal says that Doug’s entire post contains 307 words. Fine. Now let’s count all the words that he puts in blockquotes.

163. Of the 307 words in the post, 163 are directly copied from a Reuters article. That means that…wait for Hal…144 words were written by Doug Powers, super secret boyfriend of Shelley Malkin. If I round up, that means that he only wrote 47% of his screed post about President Obama’s “flyover.” Someone with a real job wrote the rest.

And here’s the thing: that post? It wasn’t even 47% written by Michelle Malkin. No, it was 47% written by some douchebag who Michelle Malkin pays to write posts on her blog because she is spending all her time trying to find ways to destroy America. So, basically—and try to keep up with the math here, folks—this post was actually -47% written by Shelley Malkin. I mean, are there even numbers low enough to express the amount of work that Shelley doesn’t do in a given day?

In the interests of “investigative journalism,” let’s see how other popular bloggers stack up. What percentage of a randomly-chosen blog post did each of these bloggers write him or herself?

• Andrew Sullivan, Obamasexual, The Atlantic: 31% (Ouch! Maybe you should spend less time lounging around Subway in your Mexican shirt and more time writing your own blog posts!)
• Ta-Nehisi Coates, Young Hip Dude Who Likes To Play D&D and listen to Mos Def, The Atlantic: 52% (Time for an intra-Atlantic feud! SULLY vs. TA: THE FINAL BATTLE, PART IV!)
• Kitty Jean Lopez, Truckload, The National Review: 13% (Go, Kitty, go—to Weight Watchers!)
• Jim Newell, Large-Penised One, Wonkette: 65% (That’s what I’m talking about, Newell. That’s what I’m fuckin’ talking about.)
• Heather Armstrong, Pregnant Ex-Mormon With Giant Knockers: 100% (Overachiever!)
• ShortsShortsShorts, God, Shorts and Pants: 61% (Someone needs to work a smidge harder, no? Just a suggestion.)
• PantsPantsPants, Fucking Amazing Cybernovelist and Superhero, Shorts and Pants: 100% (Not counting the video of the two dudes in the Pontiac 6000.)

So, basically, Michelle Malkin’s peon, Doug, does slightly more work than Andrew Sullivan, a fuckload more work than Kitty Jean Lopez (who spends all day looking at porn, so she’s kind of off the hook), and less than half the work of a woman who lives in fucking Utah and takes pictures of the shit that she balances on her dog’s head.

And you wonder why Conservatism is dead!

“I Feel the Need, the Need to Freak Out New Yorkers!” (Michelle Malkin)

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