Hi, everyone! Did you enjoy your weekend? Good! Because you won’t live to see another one!

As you may have read or seen on FOX News, a public health emergency was declared this weekend due to several swine flu outbreaks across the country. The symptoms of swine flu are very similar to the symptoms of “regular” flu, but obviously swinier. Although it is very difficult to catch swine flu, and very little is known about the ways in which the virus is spread from human to human, this still has the ability to become a significant health risk, especially for the elderly, small children, and those with weakened immune systems YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

Fortunately, though, America’s wingnuts have come up with a solution to this problem. No, silly—their solution isn’t to provide more money to the National Institute of Health or the Centers for Disease Control so that we can find out what causes swine flu and how to cure it. Don’t be ridiculous! (In fact, Republicans fought $900 million in pandemic preparedness in this year’s emergency stimulus bill!) It is also not to prosecute Michelle Malkin who, as you can see from the picture above, is obviously singlehandedly responsible for the current swine flu outbreak (with a little help from Bacon Salt). No, their solution is so simple—yet so effective—that it’s hard to believe that America’s public health officials haven’t thought of it already:

KILL ALL THE BROWN PEOPLE.

As you know, when wingnuts require an explanation for something, minorities had better watch out. Whether it be using the Bible to mount a defense of segregation or blaming HIV and AIDS on “the government’s recruitment of thousands of homosexuals beginning in 1974,” there seems to be a positive correlation between “how bad the crisis is” and “how much racist, sexist, homophobic, batshit crazy the wingnuts can come up with to explain that crisis.” As a case in point, please note Shelley Malkin’s post entitled “Hey, maybe we’ll finally get serious about borders now!”:

I’ve blogged for years about the spread of contagious diseases from around the world into the U.S. as a result of uncontrolled immigration. We’ve heard for years from reckless open-borders ideologues who continue to insist there’s nothing to worry about. And we’ve heard for years that calling any attention to the dangers of allowing untold numbers of people to pass across our borders and through our other ports of entry without proper medical screening — as required of every legal visitor/immigrant to this country — is RAAAACIST.

This statement requires, I think, a bit of unraveling because it encapsulates just how crazy these wingnuts actually are. Ostensibly, Shelley is trying to tell us that she supports an immigration policy in which prospective citizens are registered and screened in order that they be properly logged “into the system” and in order that dangerous criminals be kept out of our country. Logically, this is a rational argument that makes perfect sense. What Shelley doesn’t want us to know, however, is that her “rational” argument falls flat on its fucking face when viewed beside her actual argument, which is just a flaming shitpile of racism.

For example: Heather MacDonald, who occasionally contributes to MichelleMalkin.com, had this to say on November 15, 2006:

Open-border conservatives love to tout the myth of the redemptive Hispanic, whose strong family values will allegedly return America to its traditional roots. Don’t buy it: No ethnic group in the U.S. is producing out-of-wedlock children at a higher rate than Hispanics.

Aaah, so. Um, Shelley, honey? Next time, when you try to be all sarcastic and cutting and say “There’s no way anyone can say I’m RAAAACIST,” do me a huge favor, would you? LOOK AT THE POSTS ON YOUR OWN FUCKING WEBSITE.

But what’s that you say? We can’t blame Shelley for the racist views of one of her own contributors? Okay, I’ll buy that. Is it all right, then, to blame Shelley for the racist views of, um, herself?

It’s no coincidence that most of the areas hardest hit by the foreclosure wave — Loudoun County, Va., California’s Inland Empire, Stockton and San Joaquin Valley, and Las Vegas and Phoenix, for starters — also happen to be some of the nation’s largest illegal-alien sanctuaries.

Oooooooh, is it really no coincidence? That illegal immigrants aren’t just spreading these cases of swine flu but that they’re also responsible for the New Great Depression? Oh, Shelley, pleeeeeeease tell us more!

For the last five years, I’ve reported on the rapidly expanding illegal-alien home-loan racket. The top banks clamoring for their handouts as their profits plummet, led by Wachovia and Bank of America, launched aggressive campaigns to woo illegal-alien homebuyers. The quasi-governmental Wisconsin Housing and Economic Development Authority jumped in to guarantee home loans to illegal immigrants. The Washington Post noted, almost as an afterthought in a 2005 report: “Hispanics, the nation’s fastest-growing major ethnic or racial group, have been courted aggressively by real estate agents, mortgage brokers, and programs for first-time buyers that offer help with closing costs. Ads proclaim: “Sin verificacion de ingresos! Sin verificacion de documento!” — which loosely translates as, ‘Income tax forms are not required, nor are immigration papers.’“

Shelley, sweetums, has it occurred to you that it would have been physically impossible for the majority of the subprime mortgage damage to have been done by illegal immigrants because THAT IS NOT HOW MATH WORKS? And also, have you considered the fact that, according to the New York Times, there is far greater concern about people who travel on airplanes bringing swine flu into this country than about people who scurry across the desert and shimmy under fences bringing swine flu into this country?

The United States said it would use “passive surveillance” in screening travelers from Mexico who would enter the country, isolating them only if they were ill. But other governments issued travel advisories urging people not to visit Mexico, the apparent origin of the outbreak, where 81 people have died and some 1,300 have been infected. China, Russia and others set up quarantines for anyone possibly infected.

Why don’t you report on those ILLEGAL MEXICAN IMMIGRANTS WITH SWINE FLU who cross the border into China and Russia, Shelley? That story would definitely win you a Pulitzer.

So, in closing, I would like to return to the title of your blog post. You say: Hey, maybe we’ll finally get serious about borders now? I say: Well, Shelley, maybe you’ll finally get serious about eating a bag of dicks now?

Sadly, this seems highly unlikely. But a man can dream, can’t he?

UPDATE: Please visit the USDA’s swine flu FAQ for the absolute saddest questions that have ever been asked on the Internet:

What is this flu that people are talking about in the news?
Is my potbelly pig in danger? Can I get it from my pet?
How do we ensure that we take the appropriate measures to protect our swine?

“Hey, Maybe We’ll Finally Get Serious About Borders Now” (Michelle Malkin)
(Thanks to my main man chascates for the tip!)

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