It’s Morning Again in America

By AustinJunkie, 5 February, 2010, 6 Comments

For all you doubters and haters who said President Obama’s stimulus wouldn’t work, grab your knife and fork and prepare to eat your hat.

Never more will grown men weep as they watch their children starve. Never more will a man feel the soul-crushing blow of collecting unemployment benefits. Never more will college students ask “pot costs how much?”

For this week the Bureau of Labor Statistics released unemployment statistics for the month of January, and the news is good (click the link, then select “Alternative measure of labor underutilization U-6.”)

The “real” unemployment rate, “total unempoyed, plus all marginally attached workers plus total employed part time for economic reasons, as a percent of all civilian labor force plus all marginally attached workers” has fallen to 16.5%!

This is down from December’s 17.3% and last year’s high of 17.4%.

God’s America has truly turned a corner. Renewed prosperity awaits us. The New Great Depression is over!

Obama’s prayer: ‘Don’t question my citizenship’

By AustinJunkie, 5 February, 2010, No Comment

If you were wondering where did all the nutburgers and conspiracy kooks go who want to believe that Barack Obama wasn’t born in God’s America, rest easy.

In fact, were Obama to declare them all “terrorists” he could bump ‘em all off with one bunker buster, because they’ve all migrated to WorldNetDaily®.

Of course, Shorts&Pants doesn’t advocate grinding these poor souls into dust with a well-placed Mark 84 JDAM. No sir. We’d prefer they be tortured first, preferably in front of their children.

Whoops. Did I say that out loud?

Oh dear, I’m going to be trouble when Shorts gets back.

You Won’t Like Him When’s He Angry

By AustinJunkie, 5 February, 2010, 5 Comments

Through the long history of the United States, offensive speech has been protected by our courts.

Whether it’s dirty commies, racist Klan clowns or Jew-baiting neo-Nazis, they’ve been allowed to say what they want to say, even if their words are meant to incite violence or revolution.

Until now. Or until George W. Bush, to be exact, decided all that bothersome precedent kind of got in the way of the spree killing Bush’s minions enjoyed under the guise of “terr’ist huntin’.”

In other words — if you piss off the president he can have you killed.

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I’ll Give You Something to Cry About

By AustinJunkie, 4 February, 2010, 7 Comments

An aspiring college student in New Zealand this week auctioned off her virginity for the equivalent of $31,000.

This enterprising young woman acts as an example to all the whiners in God’s America who complain that “I can’t find a job,” or “I can’t afford health insurance,” or “my mortgage is too expensive,” or “my job was outsourced,” or “my unemployment benefits ran out,” or “the landlord kicked me out because I’m six months behind on rent,” or “I had to declare bankruptcy because I can’t afford the surgery that saved my life,” or “I was fired because I complained about sexual harassment,” or “I can’t afford to send my straight-A kid to college,” or “I can’t afford a funeral for my mom,” or “I lost my job because my car was repossessed and I can’t get to work,” or “I can’t afford to feed my children,” or “I can’t afford rehab,” or “I can’t afford the prescription medication I need to stay alive.”

This country is going down the toilet because too many people whine and complain about all the trivial little hurdles that get in their way in life without getting off their fat asses and doing something about it.

This ambitious and industrious New Zealander shows us all that excuses are for pussies and success only comes to those who really want it. Take heed, America, you big babies.

National Kill the Queers in Uganda Prayer Breakfast

By AustinJunkie, 4 February, 2010, 3 Comments

Thursday brings us the most super specialest Jeezusy day of the year at the White House. At least it is if you believe the bullshit proffered by the Hitler-, Stalin- and Mao-admiring The Family, who own the House of Sleaze on C Street in DC and sponsor the annual National Prayer Breakfast.

Every February, under the guise of humble Christian prayer, The Family brings their powerful, poor people-hating friends from around the world to DC for a week of lobbying, with the focus usually on arms deals to help The Family’s tyrannical friends maintain their hold on power back in their native banana republics.

This year, though, the usual NPB flavor comes with a twist. With the Family’s shroud of secrecy pierced by sex scandals (Nevada Senator John Ensign’s being the sexiest,) the media has shined an unwelcome light on some of their less savory activities.

And the least savory involves The Family’s friends in Uganda attempting to enact legislation calling for the imprisonment and execution of homosexuals.

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Hey China…Screw You!

By AustinJunkie, 4 February, 2010, 4 Comments

You’d think it would be enough that the United States nags China to devalue their currency, or nags China to stop torturing and imprisoning human rights activists, or accuses China of criminal hacking to gain access to American industry trade secrets, or hassles China over its internet censorship, or criticizes China for its repressive governing of Tibet or its devious investment in Africa, or it’s use of dirty coal to pollute the atmosphere at staggering rates, or its refusal to reign in the excesses of North Korea and it’s crazy clown dictator, etcetera, ad nauseum, ad infinitum.

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Looks Like Crab — Tastes Like People

By AustinJunkie, 4 February, 2010, 1 Comment

Before you swallow the obscenely fawning stories in the media about the supposed great work being done in Haiti by the Church of Scientology, specifically the knob-slobbing of John Travolta, patron saint of self-aggrandizing weirdos, Shorts&Pants directs you to top investigative reporting site Gawker, which has the real story of the colossal fuckup these freakshows have made of (allegedly) aiding unsuspecting Haitians.

Why Does Iran Hate Turtles?

By AustinJunkie, 3 February, 2010, 2 Comments

Iran launched a can of worms into space today — two worms, a mouse and a turtle, really — to die in the cold, cold vacuum of space.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Iran launched a Kavoshgar-3 rocket, capable of carrying satellites into space.

Contrary to all the crybabies decrying the threat of a belligerent, nuclear-armed Islamic republic, today it became clear that Iran only wants what everyone else in the developed world already has — satellite television.

Iranians, like the rest of us, are goddamn sick and tired of the lousy service and crappy channels offered by their cable companies, and now they’re doing something about it.

It won’t be long now before Iranians stop revolting and start voting — for Iranian Idol. Television, as it has for dozens of countries around the world, will bring peace to Iran. God bless television. GOD BLESS TELEVISION!

Three Out of 126 Ain’t Bad

By AustinJunkie, 3 February, 2010, 4 Comments

Before December 30, 2009, in a more innocent time, back when the CIA trusted double agent recruits from the Jordanian intelligence service, drone attacks on suspected Al Qaeda bad eggs were just business, one of the many facets of the “war on terror.”

Then a trusted double agent the CIA recruited from the Jordanian intelligence service walked into a supposedly safe CIA outpost in Afghanistan and blew himself up, along with seven CIA agents.

As a consequence, when the new year dawned CIA drone attacks became personal. So personal, in fact, that the CIA kind of went apeshit last month in Pakistan, killing a grand total of three Al Qaeda operatives for the low low price of…123 dead civilians!

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Nuclear Proliferation — Doubleplusungood?

By AustinJunkie, 3 February, 2010, 4 Comments

Shorts&Pants presents Big Brother’s doublethink lede of the day, neatly illustrating the agenda for peace of our president, peace-loving Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack Obama, who loves peace:

“The Obama administration plans to ask Congress to increase spending on the U.S. nuclear arsenal by more than $5 billion over the next five years as part of its strategy to halt the spread of nuclear weapons and eventually rid the world of them.”

So the president wants to spend $5 billion building more nuclear bombs…to rid the world of nuclear bombs.

George Bush Does Not Care About Penis

By AustinJunkie, 2 February, 2010, 8 Comments

The New York Times top story headline, “Huge Penis Deficit May Alter U.S. Politics and Global Power,” contains this opening paragraph:

Projections suggest there is virtually no room over the next decade for new penis initiatives for President Obama or his successors.

Indeed, there is no room. Probably. Who knows. Ten-year penis projections are about as useful, and accurate, as a two-week weather forecast.

Apart from the NO SHIT, DUMBASS obviousness of the assertion, the problem with this story, and others like it, is what it leaves out, implying that, one year in, the penis deficit is now OBAMA’S PROBLEM.

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С Днем Рождения McDonald’s

By AustinJunkie, 2 February, 2010, 5 Comments

The destruction, desecration and disintegration of Russia by The West is complete. Russians celebrated McDonald’s 20th birthday in Russia yesterday, presumably by downing 30-odd shots of vodka, eating 12 Big Macs and fries, then throwing it up all over themselves in their decrepit Soviet-era flat at 2am.

The sage New York Times claims that “McDonald’s is always a good lens through which to view the 118 or so countries where it operates.” If it’s a fisheye lens that makes everyone look like overweight rednecks, they didn’t add.

Despite Tom Friedman’s “suck on this” worship at the altar of Butter McCheese, this is hardly a milestone worth celebrating. Despite the old adage that anything in moderation is OK, or whatever, the beef tallow-soaked french fries or bizarre “eggamuffin” that requires you to be up by 10:30am (who gets up that early?) are hardly models of good nutrition.

Nevertheless, your Shorts&Pants correspondent, who sleeps late because it’s easier on his constitution, joins our Russian friends in their celebration. Now that they’ve been raped by the IMF and fattened up by McDonald’s, it’s only a matter of time before God’s America invades and liberates Ivan. But will he greet us as liberators? The fuck he will, ingrate.

Interesting Propositions

By shortsshortsshorts, 2 February, 2010, 5 Comments

Oh boy! Finally! A real world solution. There is someone from Idaho that wishes to speak to you about the real dangers of society. You may not know him by name, but his message belongs in the greatest halls of our Nation’s libraries, museums and other such civic gathering places. Bobby Fischer (not the chess playing one) proposes we ban the hell out of gay people. Imprison them, in fact, because that’s what Jesus said.

If you believe that what drug abusers need is to go into an effective detox program, then we should likewise put active homosexuals through an effective therapy program. Secondly, I’m afraid you’re simply wrong about the Bible’s perspective on the law and homosexuality.

What you have just read is his response to a bunch of complaints regarding something he may actually believe.

via Joe.My.God:

In November, Fischer called for banning all Muslims from the U.S. military. In addition to his radio show for the American Family Association, Fischer is the executive director of the Idaho Family Alliance.

What a peach.

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HIATUS!

By shortsshortsshorts, 2 February, 2010, 2 Comments

Hello, dear readers. This is your Editor speaking to you from the depths of a thing somewhere near the Pacific Ocean. Your ShortsandPants took a break for a few days, and is now saying “hello” again. We are returning to you unfettered. Stop calling/e-mailing your Editor with stories about withdrawal from this website, and Happy Tuesday.

Fetch, Roll Over, Play Dead

By AustinJunkie, 29 January, 2010, 4 Comments

Here’s in God’s America we have our very own 9/11 whore, Rudy 911iani. For years the dress-wearing lunatic waltzed around America, shouting 9/11 at whatever and whoever, trading on the fact that he managed not to look like a jackass on that fateful day.

Then he ran for president, fell flat on his face and everyone laughed at him. The end.

As Rudy martyred America on the cross of terror, UK Prime Minister Tony Blair was matching him lie for lie, though perhaps with a bit more sang froid (our editor has never managed to make italics work on this site.)

Like Dick Cheney and his whiny daughter, Blair continued to explicitly and implicitly intertwine Saddam Hussein and the 9/11 terrorists, as if that whole dumbass canard hadn’t been disproved years ago.

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Threw Him Away Like a Piece of Garbage

By AustinJunkie, 29 January, 2010, 3 Comments

Last May deranged psychopath Scott Roeder pathetically gunned down the late-term abortion-providing Dr. George Tiller while Tiller was serving as an usher at his church.

Leaving aside how it’s always men who perpetrate these crimes, that Roeder’s justification was “If I didn’t do it, the babies were going to die the next day,” (notice the impersonal “the babies,” this guy was programmed like a robot) or the fact that Roeder had been planning to kill Tiller for ten years.

No. Just remember that this sad, deluded individual was actually mentally ill. But, instead of recognizing this obvious fact and helping him, the bloodthirsty, selfish media whores (all men) who make up the radical, violent anti-abortion sect saw fit instead to stoke his paranoia, to use him, to throw away his life in the service of their own agenda.

These are people who claim to value life above all else, yet they tossed this man in the garbage with no regard for his life, or that of Dr. Tiller. Such wonderful people, those caring Christian fanatics.

Happy Friday!

Let’s Give A Rousing Cheer

By AustinJunkie, 28 January, 2010, 6 Comments

Governor Howdy Doody of Virginia, who took office all of 12 days ago, gave the Republican response to President Obama’s State of the Union clapfest last night from the Virginia House chamber.

Surrounded by sycophants, including one token Asian and one token African-American, whose on-cue applause was even more irritating and false than that for Obama, Bumpkin Bob McDonnell delivered snooze-worthy, dissembling platitudes with a dopey smile pasted on his face.

Governor Gomer looked like a Nebraska corn farmer who’d won a raffle to host his very own Hollywood game show.

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World’s Most Perfect Beard Will Continue to Control Your Money

By Dana, 28 January, 2010, 3 Comments

The man really does have one hell of a well-kept beard.  That’s really all we have to say about this.

(NYT)

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