You Know What They Say About the Greeks

By AustinJunkie, 11 March, 2010, 1 Comment

We should all be so lucky as to live in Greece, what with the Mediterranean weather, the beautiful islands and the ancient history.

Oh sure, they’ve hit a few bumps in the road lately, and their fellow €Euro countries want to throw them to the dogs, with nobody willing to help unless the government lines up all public sector workers and shoots them at dawn.

But before the killing begins, consider this — the Greek government classifies 580 jobs as hazardous to health and so allows women to retire from these jobs at 50 and men at 55. How sweet is that?

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Glenn Beck to America: ‘I will Sexually Assault Men, Women, and Pets’

By Dana, 9 March, 2010, 1 Comment

While everyone is pooping their pants over Eric Massa’s shocking 24-hour, all-male tickle orgies, your Shorts&Pants can’t help but notice something that Glenn Beck–America’s Prince–let slip during his interview with Massa. It starts at about the 2 minute mark in the video above, where Beck says, to paraphrase:

“I groped male staffers, female staffers, I fondled a cat, and I will NOT FUCKING RESIGN, EVER.”

And that is that.

(Fox News)

We Must Repeal Laws That Don’t Exist Yet

By shortsshortsshorts, 9 March, 2010, 2 Comments

After all of these years of Health Care reform ruining our Nation and turning us into an angry breed of socialist scum hell-bent on destroying all that is right and true in the world, National Review would like to share with you the solution to this terrible thing that has gripped all persons in fear and dismay for far too long. Let’s repeal the thing. Never mind if no measure of law has been enacted. We must act.

This is a true advancement for us all.

“The Case for Repeal” is the name of the column in which we speak of. This thing is full of glorious tidbits unmatched by the best of minds. Newton, Socrates and the like could never have matched the wit of the great Rich Lowry, Editor of National Review, who has this to share with you.

If Pelosi somehow succeeds, Democrats will tell themselves they’ve finally attained a goal that has eluded them since Truman. But it won’t be over.

Alright, so Rich begins with a very strong statement. “IT WONT BE OVER.” Surely this article will be about Health Care Reform. Yes. It is beyond any doubt that Rich will go off about the subject in the headline.

In terms of the Iraq War, it will be the toppling–the–Saddam Hussein–statue phase of the operation, with more combat still in the offing.

What, Rich? That’s not Health Care. Now you’re talking about Iraq. That doesn’t make any sense, Rich. Are you off the meds?

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Glenn Beck: “I Am Currently Feasting On Paint Chips”

By shortsshortsshorts, 9 March, 2010, 3 Comments

Look at the GIGANTIC photo to the left. He is pointing at you and laughing, readers. Glenn Beck hates you, you see— but you shouldn’t worry about it. Anybody who says the following is obviously desperate for attention.

“I beg you, look for the words ’social justice’ or ‘economic justice’ on your church Web site. If you find it, run as fast as you can. Social justice and economic justice, they are code words. Now, am I advising people to leave their church? Yes!”

SOCIAL JUSTICE=COMMUNIST FASCISM. Yes. It is clear. The sheer idea of going against the grain of every normal human inclination is no match for Glenn Beck’s niche. Yes— true grit, that one. Who would be inclined to believe that Christian programs promoting “social justice” could be so evil? Well, friends, they are.

STOP GOING TO CHURCH, as Christians are filthy Communist bastards. The Lord Beck has spoken. You must worship him.

Washington Times: “All People In All Nations Hate Democrats”

By shortsshortsshorts, 9 March, 2010, No Comment

The Moonie Times has brought up something that every other massive news outlet has somehow missed— and we need to get to the bottom of it. According to our good friends over there, Democrats are horrible, horrible failures. In fact, nations the globe over have come to agree with this sentiment. Who would have thought?

The Democracy Corps-Third Way survey released Monday finds that by a 10-point margin — 51 percent to 41 percent — Americans think the standing of the U.S. dropped during the first 13 months of Mr. Obama’s presidency.

Yes— under George Bush we endured lasting solidarity with sovereign countries that can never be matched by a warmongering Democrat with intentions of using the notion of pre-emptive strike against anything and anybody it can. Do not question these poll results. Under every scenario the truth remains. We are so hated by the world because of Democrats. If only we could bring back the good old days of the Bush legacy— when all rejoiced and there was peace, love and understanding among the populace. With a bit of luck, we can invade MORE, as this, according to the Washington Times, is a great way to make allies. Finally the truth is known.

Your Shorts & Pants Is Still On Fire

By shortsshortsshorts, 8 March, 2010, No Comment

Thank you to those who have given so far — but we’re still burning. This is a real barn burner. Please donate! And TIPS! MUCH LOVE TO ALL READERS. We really need any help we can get.

— Your Editor

Yes, Time is of the Essence

By AustinJunkie, 8 March, 2010, No Comment

Everyone’s favorite right-wing, warmongering Nobel Peace Prize president, Barack HUSSEIN Obama, doesn’t want anyone to think that health care reform isn’t a priority for his administration. Today’s New York Times headline says it all:

Obama Warns Democrats of Urgency of Health Bill

Yes. Only 13+ months into his presidency, after 13+ months of “debate” on health care reform, after letting Max Baucus highjack and delay, after inserting into the bill sop after sop to the Republicans who will never in a million years vote for this abortion wrapped in a turd, after proving that when a Republican says “boo” he runs to hide behind his mommy, after generally fucking up everything he touches, the anti-Midas now thinks it’s “urgent” that Democrats pass the remaining pieces of the biggest giveaway to insurance companies since, well, since the last big giveaway to the insurance companies (W’s prescription drug “benefit.”)

Whatever, dude. You guys are fucking toast in November. Say hello to President Rick Perry.

Sarah Palin: Filthy, Unapologetic Communist

By shortsshortsshorts, 8 March, 2010, 3 Comments

Finally — the tidbit of information we had waited for. It appears that America’s Most Horrible Person is actually a pinko bastard sent to subvert our glorious Nation and bring it to ruin. Will we let her get away with it?

I remember my brother, he burned his ankle in some little kid accident thing and my parents had to put him on a train and rush him over to Whitehorse and I think, isn’t that kind of ironic now. Zooming over the border, getting health care from Canada.

Why would she do that? She should have told her brother to lift himself up by the bootstraps and just hustle on. Screw him. Any relative of Sarah Palin should know that Universal Health Care is a terrible idea, and yet here she is being a proponent of it? Joe the Plumber would be so pissed right now, if he wasn’t…well…stupid.

So how long has this Sarah Palin person been a filthy Communist? We are searching… okay got it.

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I Thought That Was the Other Daughter

By AustinJunkie, 5 March, 2010, 2 Comments

You might think Wolf Blitzer is a leprechaun. We won’t try to dissuade you from that belief. But we must alert you to the ongoing conspiracy between Wolfie and seriously-I’m-not-a-lesbian Liz Cheney to smear all government officials who might even think about not executing accused terrorists immediately (but only after torturing them.)

Liz can’t fool Shorts&Pants. No sirree. Try as she might to convince the world that she’s really really not a lesbian, what with her being married and her having kids and her generally slobbing any knob you put in front of her face, no amount of warmongering or race-baiting is going to convince us, no matter how many times she shaves her father’s back while masturbating.

Because, as we all know, real lesbians love war, torture and race-baiting. They’re all white, privileged brainless twats with an obscene sense of entitlement. And they love Dick Cheney. So much so, in fact, that incest with their father, if he were Dick Cheney, wouldn’t be out of the question. Nor would wondering if her kids are really her husband’s — or her father’s.

So keep it up, Liz. Keep fightin’ the good fight. We all know that, deep down, you’re really a sweet, loving patriot who is appalled at the downward slide God’s America has taken since your father took his sledgehammer to the constitution, lo these many years ago. It’s almost like that song from South Pacific was written specifically for you:

Gayer than laughter, are you
Sweeter than music, are you
Angel and lover, heaven and earth
Are you to…us

New And Exciting Things… On The Internet

By shortsshortsshorts, 5 March, 2010, 3 Comments

Do you want an exciting map to all kinds of witchcraft, occults and the like? Are you fed up with this damned idol worshipers getting between you and the mighty Jeebus? Well, friend— we have the perfect opportunity for you.

How does one do such a thing? What is our tact? Apparently, for some, it lies in something wonderful and true that out spans the strange notion of logic that we are supposedly founded upon. For Amarillo, Texas, this comes into a creepy version of “When Harry Met Sally” melded with “Full Metal Jacket.” It seems totally fucked, as it is that, but we mustn’t tie ourselves to the obvious mess of it. For example:

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Holy People Agree: “Let’s Just Have Lots Of Gay Sex”

By shortsshortsshorts, 5 March, 2010, 3 Comments

Ah yes, the Vatican. Home to the ages of good and just. No matter if they’ve conformed to many pagan rituals (i.e. Christmas, Halloween, etc.), they are on the just path to righteousness. Screw the casserole of sex scandals that has plagued the mighty church— we have to do to this right. It’s time for the Vatican to go ape-shit in the gayest way possible. Your Editor is a proud Catholic.

Just the other night there was a man sitting in a bar claiming that you can only take some things from the Church, and not others. This is wrong. You have to do the whole thing, apparently, and not shirk the responsibilities of certain effect. Amazingly, this is not the case for even the highest on the garb— which is a bit hilarious considering how high and mighty these fuckers claim to be.

So you have two elements— ushers really. Choir boys. And these guys are running around butt-fucking any and every element they can find. They’re worse then Ron Jeremy, if we can even call the man bad (all humans look at porn on the Internet, so we cannot blame Ron Jeremy).

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You’re Nobody ’til Somebody Pets Your Hair

By AustinJunkie, 4 March, 2010, 3 Comments

Every Texan’s favorite dumbass, Governor Rick Perry, barely made it over the first hurdle toward re-election Tuesday.

The potential Republican presidential candidate, who would be a worthy successor to the equally intellectually-challenged George W. Bush, had his secessionary thunder stolen by certified crazy woman and teabagger Debra Medina, who managed to win 18.5% of the vote, leaving the supposedly universally popular Perry with barely enough (51%) to avoid a runoff.

Also failing was Texas Senator Kay Baily Hutchison, who for some reason thought her big hair would win out over Perry’s big hair.

The difference, as Kaybay discovered, is not in the hair. It’s in other people’s hair. Nobody pets another man’s hair like Rick Perry.

And creepy Governor Hairpetter has a good a shot as anyone to replace right-wing warmonger Barack Obama in 2012.

You know the old saying — same shit, different pile.

Bible Swapping

By shortsshortsshorts, 4 March, 2010, 5 Comments

You may furnish your own opinion of the following, as we have NO IDEA what to think of it. Perhaps this is a necessary trade?

A college atheist group is offering students pornography in exchange for Bibles.

Atheist Agenda calls the exchange “Smut for Smut,” prompting prayers and protests from Christian students at the University of Texas San Antonio campus.

Student Monica Cornado says it’s offensive to compare pornography to “the Word of God.”

PORN IS PUTTING DOWN THE CHRISTIANS AGAIN. WHY DOES EVERYBODY HATE THE BIBLE SO MUCH?

California State Senator Roy Ashburn: “Down With Gays— Oh Wait I Am Gay”

By shortsshortsshorts, 4 March, 2010, 3 Comments

Some men know what they want. They want the ladies, and commonly they will go to interesting lengths to get said ladies, Some men, however, prefer other men— they mustn’t be “blamed” for it, as it is arguably a very natural thing to be attracted to members of the same sex. California Senator Roy Ashburn, a man who represents a massive amount of California dirt, cannot come to terms with this fact of life. While frequently voicing a hate for all forms homosexuality, he was recently pulled over for a DUI while leaving— wait for it— a gay bar. Well done, Roy. Should we mention he was in State-owned vehicle? Oh, well yes that is also true.

Maybe he was studying the behaviors of his opponents? Perhaps he was so drunk that he happened on the wrong place of business? Not at all, as the apology inevitably follows:

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Ronald Reagan Is Not A God, Is Not Invincible, And Is Dead

By shortsshortsshorts, 2 March, 2010, 3 Comments

How’s that trickle-down economics thing working out for ya? According to John McCain, very fucking well. He’s on a new trip now, and it involves the absolute cream of Conservative ideology that ever walked the terra.

Reagan was to the economy as Nixon was to Panda Bear Diplomacy, so to hear that we should use him as a citation in any sense of the word is inert masochism. We mustn’t revert back to this man’s “cowboy legacy.”

Well HEY LET’S GO FOR IT, NONE THE LESS.

“Basically, which is it?” the man asked Mr. McCain. “Straight talk: Do you want to raise taxes, cut entitlement spending, cut defense spending, or have a deficit?”

Mr. McCain did not explain how he plans to balance the budget, but spoke generally about hoping to stimulate the economy – and cited President Reagan.

So Ronald Reagan, our righteous overlord in these dark times, will lead us from adversity and into an amazing new decade. According to John McWalnutsCain, we just need to cut taxes for the rich and see where that goes. Were any of you readers alive in the 1980s? Your feedback is appreciated. We have a sense, however, that this Reagan thing is getting out of control. Oh and fuck you John McCain. That’s that. Remember, whenever you’re in a bind with a reporter, just scream “RONALD REAGAN” at the top of your lungs and hope that any human being within earshot will fall into a carthetic rememberance of an asshat who railed the economy, drove up the national debt, and basically hated you and your children. At least he loved privatized health care.

[WE ARE STILL IN NEED OF YOUR DONATIONS. LIKE BADLY. MUCH LOVE TO THOSE WHO HAVE HELPED SO FAR.]

Fox News To America: “I AM A FILTHY LIBERAL.” America to Fox News President: “You are Lying, You Bastard.”

By shortsshortsshorts, 2 March, 2010, No Comment

Something is delectably uncertain with America’s favorite news outlet, and we do not know where to place responsiblity. On the one hand you have a Rupert Murdoch scorning the lands of hope with Agent Orange, and on the other you have a strange character by the name of Roger Ailes, who is a man more full of gusto and true grit than the Augusto Pinochet. As President of Fox News he has scoured the spirit of free will and raped the souls of those who have yet to see God’s Green Earth. Roger is a corporate warrior. This isn’t your average can of soup. While Fox was running around screaming about lapel pins, Roger failed to get the memo. HE’S ACTUALLY A LIBERAL? What?

Not that it’s actually possible. The world is well aware that Roger is a hell-bent neo-con consuming the vast reaches of good that surround the typical human spirit, but he’s on a new kick, now. Like Shep Smith, he’s going AWOL in all ways Fox News. By even bringing up any contempt for the network he runs, there is not really the hope of vindicating his awful legacy, but getting more viewers. We can only assume this is the case, because Roger Ailes is no fucking liberal. He’s a fucking fascist. No human can deny this raging, poignant fact. Speculation went on vacation a long time ago and doesn’t appear to be returning anytime soon.

Take Rupert in the last few days. Everybody’s favorite dwarf fucker decided it would be a great idea to tear into the New York Times by saying it’s— unavailable in Mexico?

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Ways To Achieve A Strong Relationship With The Media

By shortsshortsshorts, 1 March, 2010, No Comment

Who says a pitcher can’t be a hitter? Jim Bunning reminds us of this fact. Yes, he’s really sparking it up with the right people. During his Fabulous Filibuster Against All That Is Good And Right With Society, he decided it would be a great idea to stare in the face of a major media outlet, and just sort of, well— tell it to fuck off. Well done, Jim.

Jim has just read the book “How To Make Friends and Influence People,” but is having a hard time putting it into action. PRAY FOR HIM.

We still really do need your donations. PARTY ON, WAYNE.

Michele Bachmann Lists Her Various Accomplishments

By shortsshortsshorts, 1 March, 2010, No Comment

Like many human beings, Michele Bachmann endeavors to do what is right and true for the sustenance of her own advancement. This is just and true for the nature of the American Dream, as she is a strong proponent of advancing the causes of good for her constituency. You see, our elected leaders are obviously there to protect the interests of those they serve, and Michele is no exception to this glorious rule of thumb.

On that same vernacular, the rule of thumb exists because of people like Michele Bachmann. Not to offend our female readers, but at least you know why it exists. This is why we are very proud to announce the following headline from the Minneapolis/St. Paul City Pages.

Michele Bachmann agrees she’s sponsored no significant legislation

Oh?

I am in the deep minority in Congress and a fairly new freshman, so I don’t have substantive bills that I have passed. I would love to. The very first bill I introduced was the Health Care Freedom of Choice Act.”

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